The Second Chance
by The Chocolate Cow
Summary: Life gives Severus Snape a second chance. He now has the power to fix his greatest mistake that had cost him his friendship with Lily. This time, he will protect her, care for her, and love her. Oh, and there's a little, dark twist with Severus. New chapter 1. Rewritting chapter 2 and 3 now.
1. Remorseful Eyes

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Harry potter. This disclaimer will be for this chapter and every upcoming chapter.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Hi guys. I would just like to quickly say that English is not my native language. I don't have a BETA and I'm too much of chicken-shit to PM one. However, if you're an English-Nazi, and like my story, then please, send me a PM and we can talk stuff out! (:

Anyways, I'll shut up now. Oh, before that though. This story has a _slight _(or maybe not) AU. In my story, Severus is/was a little darker than what the original books made his out to be. Just in his true Death Eater days! Not when he became a spy. Kinda. I don't know. I guess we will see as I develop the story how dark Severus will be.

_Enjoy._

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**Chapter One**

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**※ ****Remorseful Eyes ****※**

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'Look…at…me…' Severus Snape croaked, chocking on his own blood. It was his last request––with his final breath. Severus had no reason to live anymore. He had lost his reason to live a very long time ago––when he lost her. So––Severus Snape had indeed lost everything he had once held dear, because the _only_ thing he had ever held dear was Lily.

Harry watched horrified as the man in front of him slowly died––every breath Severus took was like the countdown on a timer––he pitifully gasped for another breath, ticking him closer to his end. Harry could see the light slowly begin to leave his eyes, making them dimmer. They looked like never-ending tunnels, and Harry could do nothing but fall deeper into them.

This man, slowly dying had detested Harry from the first day he had set foot on Hogwarts. Year after year, Harry put up with this man's temper. Year after year, Harry had to deal with those black eyes burning hole on the back of his head––spiting and hating him for no reason.

Now though, Harry could find no hatred in Severus's eyes. The only thing Harry could find in those pitch-black eyes (as Severus gasped and chocked painfully) was _remorse. _It was so powerful in his eyes, that Harry swore he could feel the pain with his own heart––it twisted and coiled with such force it made him sick.

The only thing Harry wanted to do was look away from those black orbs––the pain and grief becoming too much for him. Was it… morbid curiosity that kept him from looking away or was it the fact (that for once), Severus was showing him something else than hate with his eyes?

For once, in seven or so years, Severus Snape and Harry Potter had found something in common––and that was the heart wrenching pain of losing a loved one. Because when you lose someone you love––you also lose a part of yourself.

As the seconds ticked by, Harry watched as Severus Snape's eyes became lifeless.

The fight was now at its end… and with one final feeble breath, Severus Snape's eyes closed––forever concealing his remorse within.

With a soft and quiet thud, Severus' hand hit the floor...

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**※ ****The Bell ****※**

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Severus could feel the physical pain slowly melt away as if a pain-relief potion was taking effect. Something warm was spreading through every muscle in his body as he fell deeper and deeper into Death's embrace. There was no pain. There was no sadness. There was only darkness.

The last thing Severus could recall were her eyes––her emerald eyes. How he missed those eyes…

Then––like a slap across the face––everything hit him. A loud growl ripped through Severus and then (in his mind) he hissed, 'No!'

Those eyes had not belonged to Lily, but rather––Harry Potter, the son of Lily _Potter_. Lily _Evans_ had long ago disappeared from his grasp––from his life…

Severus put the thought of Lily aside, and slowly lifted a shaky hand towards his neck. As much as he loved thinking about Lily, he now had a much more important matter at hand––his very death. He slowly and gently ran his hand over his neck. Then, with his eyes wide open––the realization of his death truly hit him.

_Dead_.

Everything was suddenly coming back to him like an ice-cold shower first thing in the morning. Severus groaned as he placed both his shaky hands on his face. There was no cut on his neck, which meant he was definitely dead, and he was now drifting in some twisted universe––in Limbo, perhaps?

'_What now…?' _Severus thought to himself. He strained his ears for the slightest sound; softly sniffed the air for the slightest smell; and quietly composed his mind so he could feel the slightest presence of something else––someone else. There was nothing, though. Only complete silence filled his ears; his nose picked up no scent; and there was no presence––of anything.

Slowly and insecurely, Severus parted his hands that were on his face; allowing a small crack for his eyes to peek through. He hissed as the bright, white light seeped through the cracks between his fingers, burning his pitch-black eyes. The light was absurdly bright, and he wondered for a second if it had caused him to lose his sight.

'_Where am I?' _Severus thought. '_Surely, this is not heaven_.'

Severus knew there was no such place for a man like him––for a Death Eater––For a killer.

'_Heaven,' _Severus sarcastically thought, letting out a low, hollow laugh.

If there were a heaven, the chains of sin would stop him from ever reaching the gates. The chains of sin around his body were heavy and powerful. They were _just right_ for a man like him––for a man who had sinned so heavily. The list of people who were dead because of him was infinite, because, in his _true _Death Eater days, he had killed without affliction or remorse. It was just so simple for him and he was just so _good _at it, too. Sometimes, he would sit on his worn-down, dark-red sofa in his living room and think of all the people he had killed cold-heartedly, and no matter how he looked at it; how he ran the person's death in his mind––he could still feel nothing…

The only death that had caused him to feel remorse was _her_ death––Lily's death. It had been something so chaotic; that he had come close to ending his own life from the sheer pain her death had caused him. It was as if half his body had been torn from him, and no matter how much time passed––the pain never stopped.

_Lily…_

Throughout their friendship; she had put in her patience, kindness, and _love, _in attempt for him to be a better man. In the end, everything she had done for him had been in vain, because, in the end…he had become a baneful man.

Day after day, year after year, she had endured his anger and malicious personality. His father, his mother, his friends, his fellow Death Eaters––none of them had endured it. No one. Only Lily. Scream after scream, fight after fight, she had stuck with him. He would yell until his lungs were raw, and all she did was take it. Even though his anger wasn't directed at her (just the world in general) she had always listened. Then, once he had calmed down, she would sit beside him and whisper words of encouragement in his ear as she rubbed his back with gentle strokes. She had plainly _been_ there for him… something no one else had ever done for him.

_Lily…_

She had been (and still was) his everything. Lily had been his guardian from the first day he had laid eyes on her, until his dying breath. She had always looked out for him; attempted to teach him good from bad and tried to show him the wrong in his ways, but he didn't see them––he didn't_ want_ to see them.

In the end, she had failed to change him.

No. Lily had not failed––it was the other way around.

_He_ had failed _her_.

'Lily…' Severus whispered brokenly. The emptiness in his voice matched the emptiness in his heart.

To have respect was all Severus wanted. He believed that with every assignment he accomplished for the Dark Lord, he would gain respect from his enemies and from his fellow Death Eaters––but in the end, all he managed to accomplish was self-disdain.

A foreign, yet, familiar feeling was forming in his gut; it twisted them around painfully.

'Respect,' Severus whispered into the emptiness of the room. The thing he looked for so desperately had become the unreachable as his life stretched on. Rather, he lost all respect from the one he loved and gained little from the one he served.

'_I had her––with me––__in my life__––in my arms...' _Severus thought. The guilt now twisted his guts in to a painful knot. His body began shaking and the excruciating pain (that only guilt could bring), was settling in his body. Slowly, it wrapped itself around his throat, making his breath short and quick. His eyes began stinging with tears.

'_It hurts, Lily... it hurts so much…' _

Severus rolled onto his side, then onto his stomach. With shaky arms, he began pushing himself up off the ground. With every drop of effort he put into pushing himself off the ground––his burdens would kick him back down. Once he was standing, his legs could barely hold him up. He felt weak and empty from his emotional struggle.

'_I was resentful, lonely, and…astray,' _Severus thought as his body swayed side to side, threatening to fall down. Slowly, he tilted his head up and let the tears fall down the sides of his face. The tears were hot against his cool skin and they gave him an unpleasant, burning sensation as they fell. The heavy feeling on his chest never ceased its punishment.

_If only he had listened to her…if, he had _learned_…_

Severus never learned to control his emotions. Anger, frustration, and sadness were his most powerful and common emotions. These emotions contributed to making his life Hell. Maybe…if he had learned to control them––understand them––maybe things would have been different. He didn't learn though. The only thing he did learn (after years of practice), was to _conceal_ those emotions from others, making everyone believe he was okay. After a years of this, Severus had managed to fool himself in to believing that having emotions was a setback––a weakness.

Lily had always offered to hear his distress but he was afraid to look weak, so in his defense to protect his childish pride, he shut his feelings away and denied her help. It was a moronic way of dealing with his pent up anger, because it would build and build, like books stacking on top of each other. Inevitably, they would collapse and by then, his anger had morphed into something bigger––something dangerous––something cruel. In to _consummating_ rage––thus, _wrath_.

It swept through his insides viciously and quickly, filling him with adrenaline––making him feel high; it oozed into his brain, melting all his coherent thoughts and turning them to poison; and, as a final result, he could only see through a murderous red.

Anger, though, was something that made him feel so…_good_. It was ecstasy––it was bliss––it was like having _sex. _He _loved_ how rage made him feel; so powerful and destructive_. _And because of this craze obsession of his, he had become (and still was) a baneful man. As much as he hated losing his tempter, he also _loved it_ when he lost it and gave into his desires––to hurt––to destroy––to… _kill._

Severus's hands were shaking––from anger and self-loathing. He hated (yet loved) this half of himself; it was despicable and disgusting. It was a _monster. _It was his _Death Eater_ half. It was _who he really was_ deep inside. He grabbed his head and violently tugged at his jet-black hair, trying to yank out the demons in his head. He could _feel_ it consuming him––his anger. Little by little, it nibbled at the small "good" portion that was left of his soul; it engendered gruesome thoughts, igniting his bloodlust; and it made his Dark magic crackle around him savagely with excitement. His body shook with adrenaline and––_pleasure_.

'Stop!' Severus hissed to nobody but himself, as he fell to his knees. A sharp pain went through his body as his knees made contact with the solid ground. 'S-stop! Stop!'

Severus pulled at his hair harder and began rocking back and forth, while continuously mumbling the "stop" to himself. His tears ran down his face endlessly as he sobbed uncontrollably. He did _not_ want this. He _hated_ it when this happened. He did _not_ want to be a monster. He did _not_ want to be a Death Eater. He did _not_ want to be…a killer…

But deep inside… Severus knew he wasn't being completely honest with himself…

A ferocious scream left Severus' lungs.

**※**

After Severus had cried his eyes dry and his knees were bruised from rocking back-and-forth on them, he had finally calmed down––finally ridden himself of his demons. He was emotionally exhausted and he wanted nothing more than to rest. He looked down at the white floor and debated whether to rest or not. As his tiredness got the best of him, he began laying down, planning to sleep for as long possible…maybe forever…?

_Ding… Ding… Ding…_

The soft sound of bells filled the air, and echoed through the spacious white room. The sound startled Severus and he pushed himself back up to standing position and hissed threateningly, 'who's there?'

Severus reached for his wand, and, to his surprise found his pocket to be empty. 'Shit,' he mumbled angrily. No wand; no magic, which meant vulnerability.

'Who's there?' Severus asked a second time, feeling rather foolish because he was sure there was no one here with him.

_Ding… Ding… Ding…_

'Who's there!' Severus said loudly, no longer asking but demanding. He spun around in the direction he thought the sound had come from––

'_What?'_ Severus thought in his mind, utterly baffled.

Severus's eyebrows rose high up in to his forehead and his jaw loosened as he looked at the peculiar scene in front of him. Slowly, with cautious steps he began walking towards the table that sat in the center of the white room. (Whatever the "center" was, sense the room seemed to be a never-ending scene of_ white)._ It was beyond him, how the table had arrived there without him noticing.

Severus stood in front of the dark-brown and shiny table. He looked around, checking if someone else was here with him before he sat down. There was only one chair, so he assumed he wasn't going to meet anyone. The table was so well polished, that, when his eyes scanned over it, he could faintly see his own reflection. As his eyes made their way to the center of the table, Severus was slightly surprised to find a small, beige-colored piece of parchment paper on it. Slowly and smoothly, he reached across the table with his left hand. He pinched the corner of the note, then, just as slowly and smoothly pulled it towards himself.

_Good things come to those_

_who do the right thing, Mr. Snape._

_Please do as the following instructs:_

_Clear your mind._

_Drink the glass of water._

_Breathe._

_P.S. The bell only has three rounds left._

_Ding… Ding… Ding…_

'_Glass of water?'_ Severus questioned, his right eyebrow rising and the corner of his lips curling upwards in confusion. He placed the note of paper down and scanned the table with his beady, black eyes once more.

There––as the note had mentioned––in center of the table was simple glass of water. The water was completely tranquil, as if it had been sitting there for hours…

A sudden chill crawled down Severus' back, starting at the top of his head and quickly making its way down to his toes, giving him goosebumps. Someone had been here, right under his nose and politely placed the cup of water on the table for him. He spun his head around (hoping to find someone––_anything_), and cracked his neck from the sudden vicious movement.

No one––there was no one but him. He was complete and evidently alone.

Severus placed a hand on the back of his neck and began to rub it. If someone had wanted to cause him harm, he or she would have done so long ago by now. With the reassuring thought in mind, he reached for the parchment paper once more.

'Good things come to those who do the right thing…' He read aloud quietly and confused. Surely, there had been a mistake. This clearly stated "_for those who do the right thing"_ and not for "_cold-blooded-killing Death Eaters."_

_Ding… Ding… Ding…_

Over all, the situation was mind bottling and maddening––but time was running out. Severus––thinking wiser of the situation and his time––re-read the note and did as it told.

'_Clear your mind,' _he read in his mind.

That was simple.

He cleared his mind. Something he could do with ease and at will because of his expertise at Occlumency. After a few minutes, he quickly and smoothly reached for the glass of water. He paused for a second, considering it might be poisoned but then thought better of it.

With his eyes closed, he began drinking the water.

The water felt surprisingly pleasant. As it went down his throat, it made his whole body cool. He leaned back, relaxed his muscles, and steadied his breathing. Feeling more relaxed than he had ever felt in his entire life, he took his last instruction with leisure. He inhaled a large amount of air and then gradually let it out.

The cooling sensation spread through his body, beginning in the center of his stomach and working its way to his arms and legs. Then, the cooling sensation began shifting to a warm one, and it slowly overpowered the cool one. Every muscle in his body was becoming numb, making him feel detached from his body––from himself.

His mind was becoming quiet (unnaturally so), as if he was on the verge of falling asleep. Every emotion, thought, and doubt he had felt since he arrived here was now melting away, along with the rest of his body. He couldn't even move because the sensation was pleasant…

Severus was so completely gone with the wonderful sensation, that he didn't notice the white room had begun to pick-up colors and shapes, or hear the soft mumbling of voices in the background; he didn't even notice, that, he was being thrust back in time––back to his worst memory.

**-※****※****※-**

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**ANOTHER AUTHORS NOTE:**

Well there you have it. Ain't this a weird way of introducing a "second chance"? I know it's not the best but oh well. I still have to rewrite chapter two because… well… it's complete rubbish! If you are going to read it then do not forget that I have _warned_ you. When the new chapter-two is up; you will know, because this message will cease to exist.

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_1/17/2013._


	2. Atones

AUTHORS NOTE!

I would like to say thank you too…Eclaire Stones, Alethea27, and Ani-Padmeforever! As they were the first to give hope in the new journey, I have begun. Thankyou! (:

I would now like to present the new chapter! I have perhaps taken too large of a bite from the apple… This was a hard chapter! So please forgive any grammatical and spelling errors! Overall, I had a lot of fun with this one. Enjoy

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter! I might make a new character soon though…maybe.

**Atones**

Severus felt his whole world turn upside down viciously as if a giant grabbed his feet and pulled him upside down. He no longer had the warm wonderful feeling overpowering his body. He felt completely normal, apart from the annoying, uncomfortable position.

He gave a futile struggle, trying to shake himself lose.

'LEAVE HIM ALONE!' Shouted a familiar voice…

'_Lily_,' Severus thought. He stopped struggling. He stopped thinking straight. He stopped breathing. The only thing on his mind was her, her voice, her eyes, her hair, and her gorgeous face. She was here, alive, with him. His emotions betrayed him, and hot tears began pouring out of his eyes. Although he felt no emotions from the overwhelming situation, he knew, that for once in his life, those were tears of happiness.

'Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you,' said a voice that filled Severus with reality. He groaned, realizing that if she was alive, **he **was alive. He cleared his mind and recalled this day from his previous life. '_Now, she's about say "take the_-'

'Take the curse of him, then!' Protested Lily, more anger surfacing in her voice. A smile appeared on Severus face. He rubbed the tears on his face, making sure they had left no trace of his emotional moment.

'_Do the right thing_.' On their own, the words crawled into his mind, as he fell to the ground, unprepared.

'_Damn, this hurt more than the first time,_' he thought as he rubbed his wrist, glaring at the ground. '_Focus. You will not make a fool of yourself, and you will not hurt Lily's feelings,_' he educated himself in his mind. He knew he had years of magic beyond the Marauders. He was agile, powerful, and had wit far beyond theirs.

He stood up, still rubbing his wrist, '_this is my chance, and I will __**not**__ mess it up,' _he mentally trained himself. He slowly lifted his head and looked straight at Potter. He flinched at his hard stare, and he gulped. '_Nervous, are we, Potter? _' Severus thought, reading the kids face like an open book. Potter was just a kid, and Severus was a grown man, who can easily throw a child of his feet with a stern look.

'Thank you, Lily, 'Severus said proudly, holding his gaze with Potter. She was probably shocked, and confused by his politeness, something she had never heard from him. He had never thanked her for much in his previous life, or been truly kind to Lily for her amiability. He stopped rubbing his wrist and slightly tilted his head upwards.

'You're lucky Evans was here, _Snivellus_ –'Potter began.

'I am Potter. I truly am,_'_ he began saying. Refusing to look at Lily, knowing that the second he did, he will lose control of his emotions. 'However, how about we play fair?' he finished.

'What are you talking about, _Snivellus?' _Questioned Sirius, taking a step forward, 'you mean, use Dark Magic? Like you just did with James? That's hardly playing _fair, Snivellus!' _Proclaimed Sirius, who was no longer enjoying the situation, none of the Marauders seemed to be. 'Ah, I forgot about that…' he thought out loud, 'no, no dark magic Potter. Just you and I, and no pathetic little sweepers,' he sneered, a smile crawling on his face.

That through them off, Potter looked taken a back, Sirius looked rather ugly with anger, Pettigrew shrank behind his friends, and even Remus took an interest in the situation. 'Remus, I hardly doubt you would care? I assume. You never seem to pay much attention when your little friends go bullying… the weaker,' he said, spitting the last few words. He looked shocked, with a guilty streak crossing his eye. Severus smiled. He was really throwing them of their foolish game.

'Do you accept my offer, Potter? Nevertheless, you do have another option. You can politely apologize, let me gather my things, and let me walk away, like a mature student' he said strictly, intensifying his gaze.

'He would never swoop as low as to say sorry to a greasy dark git like you!' Yelled Sirius, 'since when did you get so stuck up, _Snivellus_? Don't forget, if it weren't for Evans, you would still be upside down!' he finished.

'Well, of course I would be, _Black. _You and your little friends_,_' Severus spat, 'seem to always attack as a pack of hyenas. Pathetic, if you ask me.' He growled at them. He calmed his voice and continued, 'well, if you so strongly refuse my second offer, the first one still stands,' he said, another smile appearing on his face, 'If you are this afraid, all four of you may fight me. Although, I do believe, your repulsive little _rat _friend will be too busy cowering behind you – '

'THAT'S ENOUGH!' Up roared James, pointing his wand at Severus chest, 'take that back, take that back! I'll hex you if you don't!' he finished his sentence, attempting to control his voice.

Severus began laughing. He had never seen the Marauders so… pitiful. They had always strutted, acting as if they owned anyone, or anything. '_These are the people who made my life a living Hell?' _He thought to himself, letting out a cold laugh. '_How, How did I ever let these immature kids get to me?' _He thought as he gripped his gut, afraid his ribs might burst from laughter. He hasn't laughed this hard in years. He only laughed this hard when he was with Lily, playing tag and other childish games.

'Sev, are you okay?' Asked Lily, placing a tender hand on his shoulder, he stiffened. He stopped laughing. He topped moving. He stopped breathing, and he stopped thinking ones more, the second she placed a hand on him. It felt like an electric shock, stopping all nerve function in his body. 'Sev…' She whispered.

'Lily,' was all he managed to get out. She was here, beside him, touching him… caring for him. He lifted eyes. His heart stopped as he met her eyes, her beautiful emerald eyes. 'Lily, I- I,' he stuttered, unable to get the words out.

Without thinking, he instinctively reached for her face and held it between his hands. 'Forgive me,' he whispered, only wanting her to hear him. He felt it. Sudden warmness was falling along the side of his face. He hated it. Unable to fight them, he gave up. He let the tears fall as they pleased. Wanting to hide his face, and make sure that Lily was really with him, he embraced her.

He gently wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her, softly, to his body. He laid his head on her shoulder, sneaking his nose towards her neck. He breathed in the gentle smell of Roses he longed for so desperately in his previous life. 'Sev, what's wrong?' She asked, sounding extremely worried.

Abruptly, their moment shattered.

'GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OF HER!' Yelled and oh so familiar voice. Of course, leave it to James to ruin Severus happiest moment. Using his skills in Occlumency, Severus quickly shut his feelings off. He pulled away from Lily, making sure to avoid eye contact.

'Would you be so kind, as to let me have one moment of peace, _Potter_? He said, venom running thickly through his voice. 'Lily, I need a few minutes to deal with this problem,' holding his gaze at the Marauders, 'please be patient and wait. Also, I ask, politely, that you do not interrupt,' he finished, saying as good-manneredly as he could muster. He took a few steps towards the Marauders.

James took a few steps towards him in return, followed by his friends, representing little ducklings. Only Peter hesitated. 'Pick up your wand! We're going to settle this!' James began, 'you're going to pay for what you said to Peter, you greasy Dark Magic loving git!' Sirius finished.

Severus sighed. He lost all enthusiasm to battle them now. All he wanted was to be with Lily. He hastily made his way towards his wand, in hopes of dealing with the Marauders quickly. He turned around and sneered, 'go ahead, _Marauders._'

'_I must be wise about this. I cannot show my abilities,' _he mentally told himself. He concluded, that he will say all his spells aloud, and use harmless spells, and '_no Sectumsempra this time_,' knitting up his thoughts.

'LEVICORPUS!' Yelled James, making Sirius and Peter smile while Remus maintained a straight face. Remus was the one out of the four with the least character, but he wasn't stupid like the rest.

'_Are they really so foolish as to believe I would fall for that, again?' _Thought Severus, saying the counter spell_ '_Liberacorpus,_' _with a single flick of his wand, sighing with boredom. 'Is that all you got?' He began jeeringly, 'well, I guess it's my turn. No worries, the _dark greasy git_ won't use Dark Magic' and finishing with a mockingly voice.

As expected, they were not going play fair. Sirius already jumped on him with a spell. He easily blocked it, along with James _Obscuro _spell and Remus Stinging Hex. Peter had attempted a spell that was fatuously pathetic. This was too simple for Severus, much too simple. He kept their hopes up by letting them think they had him cornered. Severus thought it might fun building up their hope and then shatter it.

Severus smiled. It was his turn now.

Before anyone had expected anything, the Marauders were on the floor. Severus had used _Incarcerous,_ gluing the Marauders feet together causing them to tumble to the ground. Peter fell on Sirius, costing him to lose his wand. James and Remus were wiggling like worms in the attempt to get up. '_Expelliarmus,' _he said, disarming them all one by one, and finally, 'Calvorio!' Making all the Marauders bald, leaving them with shiny heads.

'This was fun. I must say _Potter,_ the look rather suits you,' Severus said with a cold laugh. He spun around, making his way to his scattered books. He grabbed his books, placed them in his bag, and began looking for Lily.

Blimey, he had not realized how much of a crowed there was. They all had stupid looks their faces. Some flinched when Severus met their eyes. '_Good, good, the sooner I get these dunderheads of my back, the sooner my life will become peaceful and undisturbed,_' he thought happily.

He spotted Lily. She didn't have a stupid look her face. Rather, shock was masking her face. '_Did I frighten her? No, that's impossible. I didn't do anything foolish this time, no Dark Magic, no swearing, and no threats. She must be confused that's all. After all, in my previous life I would have never dealt with the Marauders this way. Yes, that must be it,' _Severus assured himself.

He took one last look back at the Marauders. They were all still struggling, red in the face with anger and humiliation. They looked stupid, people around them laughing. Sirius and James were most determined, pulling the weight of Remus and Peter in the attempt to reach their wands. Sirius reached his wand and yelled, 'COME BACK YOU COWARD!'

Something in Severus snapped.

He was not a coward. If they only knew, knew how much pain and constant threat he had to live through. He was the farthest thing from a coward. He calmed himself down, making sure to keep his temper at bay. He had to learn to control this feeling... anger. However, he was not about to walk out without having the last word.

'Expelliarmus!' Severus yelled, disarming Sirius at once. He placed his bag down, stomped towards the Marauders, and stopped far enough from their reach, as James and Sirius resembled wild animals clawing through the bars of a cage. James glared at him, a forced smile appearing on his face, making him look stupid without hair. He got on his hands and pushed his torso up and said, 'did Sirius touch a never, _Snivellus?_ He was only speaking the truth you know –'he couldn't get the last few words out. Severus had knelt down to meet his eyes and placed his wand on his neck, digging it in.

James swallowed. He had never seen Severus like this before. The rest of the Marauders looked completely shocked and at loss for words. Severus dug his wand deeper into his neck. Complete anger and hatred morphing his face. With a voice that shook with wrath and threat, he said, 'as long as live Potter, you will not call me a coward. If you fail to do so, _Potter_ … 'He was shaking from anger, unable to finish his sentence. It felt as if his emotions towards James had represented a ticking bomb that had finally gone off.

He lost control of his anger.

'Sev, that's enough…' Came in Lily with a soft voice, placing a gentle hand on his, attempting to push his wand down. Severus fought back. He refused to look at Lily's face because of the murderess look in his eye. He was not finished with Potter. He had nothing to say to him… Well, nothing that wasn't going to scare Lily. In the end, he just glared at Potter, filling every bit of Potter's eyes with his anger, scaring him, making sure Potter would not forget this moment. He slowly and smoothly lowered his wand. He stood up, and said, 'Lily, I am sorry. It seems that I took much longer than I predicted,' looking at her eyes, 'there are things I wish for you to hear, Lily.' He told her, trying as hard as he could to clear his mind and calm himself down.

She blushed from his intense stare. 'I think it would be a good idea to let them go first,' taking a quick glance at the Marauders and looking back at him, 'I think you proved your point, Sev,' she said in a worried voice.

'If you wish,' he replied. '_I am only doing this for you, Lily. If it were up to me, I would have left them here to rot,' _finishing his sentence in his mind.

He took a few step backs, sinking in the image one last time. He wanted to remember the sweet moment. He let an evil smile crack his face. He really, really enjoyed seeing the Marauders in such a pathetic state. He did the counter spell, and looked back at Lily. She nodded in approval. Severus grabbed his bag and they began walking.

'Lily, don't! Come back! Can't you see! Can't you see he's dangerous! He's a Dark wizard, Lily! A _Dark wizard!' _said James as he stood up. Sirius got up quickly, picking up his wand and pointing it at Severus' chest.

Lily was annoyed now. She had enough of this barbaric act. She got out her own wand and said, 'don't tell me what to do, you arrogant git. I think I would know Severus better than you, Potter! Now, I'm tired of this barbaric play. I ask that everyone go back inside, now, please. You too, Marauders, or I will have to take points from Gryffindor, _a lot_ of points!' She finished, threating look on her face.

Everyone began walking away, afraid she might take points from their Houses. She looked frustrated now. She grabbed Severus arm, and yanked him forward. She didn't even bother looking back at the scene.

'They never give up!' she began, letting go of Severus arm. He wished she hadn't. He had enjoyed the moment even though it was only for a few seconds.

Severus spun his head around to check is it was safe to go. The Marauders stood there, flabbergasted with the sudden uproar of Lily's. James and Sirius seemed to be having an inner struggle on whether they should risk the House points. Deciding it was safe to go, he turned his head back towards Lily. She was slightly pink with anger. Her hair swooshing behind her as she stomped forward. 'I'm so sick of them! Strutting around the school, thinking they're all that!' She continued. Severus couldn't help but smile. He was relieved that she disliked the Marauders so much.

They stopped walking when they were beneath a tree that seemed to have kept the lake company for years. 'Finally, some peace,' she whispered, sitting up against the tree, letting out a sigh. Severus preferred not sitting on the ground, but it seemed there was no other option for him, so he sat down, facing Lily.

She was staring at him, examining every each of him. She looked at his face, watching for any emotions. He could not help feeling anything but raw happiness swell inside his heart. He smiled, slightly. Lily kept her face stern, continuing her examination. Severus knew he was acting strange but he could not remember how his old self would be acting if he had been in the present situation. '_Barbaric, most likely,'_ Severus told himself mentally.

He moved his eyes away from hers. He looked at the rest of her face, admiring her features. She was beautiful. He could not help but only feel joy when being with Lily. As if all his worries melted away and not a single diseased thought was contaminating his mind.

'Sev, is something wrong? You're not acting like yourself. You're acting…strange.' She said, finally breaking the silence. She met his eyes, 'why did you cry? I was worried… I've never seen you like that. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen you cry! You didn't even cry… when Eileen passed away, Sev,' she looked deep into his eyes. Her eyes seemed to fill with sadness, making him feel uncomfortable.

It was true. He had not cried when his mother passed away, did not even shed a single tear. He had never gotten along with his mother, and especially not his father. All they did was fight. Fight for no reason, no reason at all. They were so busy arguing they had forgotten their child was in the corner, crying, and frighten. Bruises covered the boy's body, from his attempts to stop them fighting. In the end, he gave up trying to stop them. Disgusted with the fighting and sick of the bruises he would get every time. In result, he became cold towards his mother, shutting away all sentimental feelings towards her. In the end, Eileen became a complete stranger to him. Peace filled part of him when she had passed away. It meant fewer fights at home. It was better this, not having Eileen in his life. Severus was sure she was happy too. As she now rested from her combatant life, sleeping peacefully in her grave.

'Sev,' she said, dropping her head to meet his eyes, interrupting his thoughts, 'why do you keep zoning out?' She questioned. He lifted his head, 'sorry. I don't mean to,' he apologized, attempting a smile. 'That! That's not like you either, you never use to apologize! When you said thank you back there, I was at loss for words for about fifteen minutes!' she stated, shock covering her face, lifting her hands in exaggeration.

'I know. This is what I wanted to talk about, Lily.' He began, looking deep into her eyes, 'forgive me Lily. I have been a fool… I have been pushing you away with my inimical behavior. I know I have been rude, immature, and someone who only cares for himself. Even so Lily, please, don't leave my side,' he murmured, tears harboring his eyes. He told himself he wasn't going to cry again, but remembering how lonely and miserable his past life was because he had lost Lily, was making him infirm.

'Lily, please forgive me, I don't wish to push you away. I **won't **push you away any longer,' he whispered, talking to himself more than to her. 'I will change. I promise you.' He said, letting her get lost in his black abyss, hoping she'll find the truth in his eyes. 'Lily, I am now aware of the consequences that will come If I choose to follow the Dark– him, He Who Most Not Be Named,' catching himself, before giving away unnecessary information.

'Sev,' she gasped, 'did you do something? Did something happen? Are you in trouble? You have to tell Dumbledore straight away!' she said, looking afraid. She had begun to stand up, urgently.

'No, no Lily! Nothing like that has happened! Please, calm down. I am not in any form of trouble.' He quickly answered, wanting her to calm down. She relaxed, leaning against the tree again.

'_Did she really believe I was this deep in the Dark Arts…?_' He interrogated.

He gently, slowly, making sure he did not startle her with his sudden movement, placed a hand on hers. He hoped his hands were not cold and clammy like they always were.

'Lily, I know in the past few years I have been pushing you away. I have become involved with the Dark Arts, and caused you to ache over it. Please, give me a second chance. I will do the right thing. I want us to be close again, like we use to be.' He cupped her hands in his, gently.

'I-I… I don't know…' she said, dropping her gaze. 'We said we would always be friends. I kept my promise but you constantly seemed to be trying to push me away. You regularly ignore me when you're with Avery and Mulciber… you go around, calling everyone Muggleborn that disgusting word. Why should I be any different? If you hate Muggleborns so much, why are you still my friend, Sev? You became ashamed of me over the years. When I talk to you in front of your Slytherin friends, you act cold and unfriendly… not at all like the Sev I once knew.' She said, looking away from his eyes. 'I don't know… I will always be there for you. I always have, even when you don't want me to be… To be honest, I'm afraid, Sev. I'm fearful of losing my best friend to Dark Magic, afraid he'll fall in too deep and I'll be powerless to help him.' She pleaded, tears forming in her eyes. She pulled her hands away from his, leaving Severus with a sting in his heart.

'_Look at you Lily… You always cared for me, but I was too blind to see it. You were so patient with me all this time…_' he thought, feeling guilty as ever. He cleared his throat and began, 'Lily. I promise you no such thing will happen. I am aware it might take some time to believe considering the way I have acted in the past. However, I will not leave you Lily. I will always be your best friend.' He said, feeling childish at the use of the two words.

Lily said nothing in return. She was not convinced, he could tell. It was going to take time to fix his atones.

'I speak the truth, Lily. All you have to do is give me a chance to prove my loyalty to you,' he said, whipping away one of her tears with his hand. He was glad his eyes were open with kindness this time, and not blinded form hatred. He was able to see and admire her love for him. She loved him, not as lover, but she loved him dearly, and he could see it.

'I hope so…' She whispered, as she stood up. Severus could tell she was saying this to herself rather than to him '_I promise you my life, Lily._' He told her mentally, before grabbing his bag and standing up.

They walked up the hill, across the courtyard, and into the school. He had not realized it, but he was famished. He was thankful it was dinnertime. As he entered the Great Hall, he stopped.

He never thought about this before, and this was going to be a good chance to prove himself to her. 'Lily, do you mind if we sit together today?' He questioned, as he looked for a spot to sit. He found it. He really thought this was a great idea.

'Sure, where do we– 'He cut her off by gently grabbing her arm and pulling her towards the Hufflepuff's table.

'The Hufflepuff table? I thought. You thought. They were brainless dunderheads?' she questioned, a surprised look on her face.

'Oh, I do, that has not changed. However, because of the circumstances between the Slytherin and Gryffindor, it will be considerably more peaceful seating here. Rather than getting looked down upon from our Houses,' he finished explaining, as they reached an empty spot at the end of the table and sitting down.

'Oh, I- That's brilliant!' She beamed at him. His heart leaped. She was smiling at him for the first time since he had begun this absolutely mad adventure.

Severus searched the food, trying to find something he would savor. He decided to grab some rice, chicken, and some steamed veggies. Something he always had in his past life. He dug in, with manners, that is. He looked up Lily, and notice one of her eyebrows was hovering. He arched his in returned.

'Sorry, I just remember you being a little pig when you were little. Actually, you still are or _were, _up to this second at least,' she said with a giggle, as she grabbed some rice and placed it on her plate.

'Oh, that must be because whenever I was with you, you brought food from your house. My mother never made cookies, sandwiches, and such. I guess I got excited,' he recalled, purposely avoiding the second part of her comment. He smiled, as he remembered the days of his childhood with Lily.

'Oh, sorry I didn't mean to remind you –'she began before he cut her off.

'It's okay Lily. I didn't mean it like that. I was happy back then. There is no need for you to apologize.' He finished, putting some rice into in his mouth.

'Oh, okay…' she said, as she placed her fork down.

'Are you not hungry?' He questioned her, noticing she had barely touched her food.

'No, I'm not really hungry today.' She said, letting out a sigh.

'Is everything alright, Lily? Is something bothering you?' He asked worriedly, trying to meet her eyes, but she determinedly looked at her plate.

She looked up and met his eyes. 'Sev, will you explain to me _why_ the sudden change? I mean, right before exams you and Avery were whispering to each other about blood traitors and Dark Magic… A person can't change so suddenly!' She blurted out. It seemed she was holding this question for a while.

'That's what's bothering you?' He asked, surprised by the sudden action. '_I already knew she was eventually going to ask me about this but I do not have an answer for her, yet._' He thought. In the end, he came up with a satisfactory answer for the moment. Severus knew she was not going to be happy with his answer.

'I promise, Lily. I will tell you, but not tonight. I need to find the proper way of telling you this. So please, give some time,' he answered, looking at her with tenderness. He was not going to hide things from Lily this time. He would eventually tell her the truth. He wanted to live an honest life. He wanted to be someone Lily would be proud, and not a cold-hearted murderer she would be afraid of. Severus felt a guilty lump rise to his throat, making him lose his appetite. '_I became everything she hates… I became one of the monstrosities she despises. How, how… how will I tell the women I love, it was I the one sinful for her death._'He sorrowfully thought, the guilty lump growing bigger in his throat, making it hard for him to breathe.

She looked at him, and said, 'okay, if that's what you want. I will hold you to that, though.' She said, pointing a finger at him. He had come back from his dark pit, lump still in his throat. He looked up at her. Severus kept his face natural, hiding all emotions like the expert he really is.

'Lily, would you like me to walk you back to your common room?' He asked, in hopes to change the subject and busy his mind with other thoughts.

'Really?' she asked, looking rather happy. 'Yes, that would be nice,' she finished, a warm smile appearing on her face. He returned the smile, forcefully. Lily took his smile as one of his natural ones, unaware of the grievous feelings Severus was harvesting inside.

'Shall we be of then?' He asked, knowing neither of them were going to eat any further. She looked confused, and asked, 'oh, and one more thing. What's with the politeness? I mean, it's nice, but it's no _you_ Sev. You've always been bossy and well… _rude,' _emphasizing the last word, as she stood up.

He was about to reply but was suddenly interrupted.

'Hey! Hey! Snape, there you are! I've been looking all over for you! Why are you sitting – 'Avery stopped, spotting Lily. She glared at him and quickly stood up. Before she could walk away, Severus grabbed her arm, and said, 'Lily, please stay put, there is no need for you to leave,' as he stood up.

Severus spun around. 'Avery. I am rather busy at this moment. You have no need to look for me, I am fairly confident you can manage without me, 'he said, glaring at Avery. 'Now, I was about to walk Lily back to her common room. Would you be so kind as to leave us alone,' he stated, not ask. He grabbed his bag, signaled Lily, and they began walking away.

'What's up with _you_ today? You first defeat the Marauders single handily, sitting at the Hufflepuff table, sitting with _her, _the Mudblood –. 'He began rambling, with a defensive tone.

'Mister Avery! We forbid the use of such language at Hogwarts! Five points from Slytherin! You will also be attending detention tomorrow. With me,' interrupted Professor McGonagall, coming to a stop in front of Avery. She pursed her lips. 'Now, please head to your common room,' she finished, pushing him towards the hall. Avery did not argue, but looked rather mad.

'_Thank you Minerva,'_ Severus thought, letting out a sigh. If Minerva had not come, he was quite sure he would have hexed Avery raw. Worried Mulciber might come. He gently placed a hand on Lily's back and cued her to walk forward. Severus let go when they reached the exit. Lily sighed. He looked over at her and realized how exhausted she looked, '_has she been like this for a while now? Is she getting sick?_' He questioned in his mind, worrying.

'I think a good night sleep will do us both good,' he said. 'Yeah, I'm extremely exhausted' she replied, just as he had interpreted. They began walking. They reached the stairs that led to the Gryffindor common room, and began climbing.

'Sev… Why… no, never mind, it's nothing,' she mumbled, jumping the trick step. 'What is it, Lily? Is something bothering you?' He asked, eagerly. Why had she suddenly become so quiet? The Lily he remembered was always upfront about everything. He took some time to think about it, _'perhaps, yes. Yes, it's definitely the way I'm acting.' _He assured himself. 'It's nothing. I'm just tired. You're right. A good sleep will do me well,' she said, letting out a yawn.

'Hey, Sev, would you help me for Transfigurations tomorrow?' She asked, looking at him and smiling. 'Certainly,' he replied, returning the smile.

They reached the Fat Lady. Lily smiled at the Fat Lady and said, 'Rosa Vobis' and the Fat Lady replied,' Thankyou!' and swung open to let her in.

Severus was dreading for this moment to come, wishing she could be with him every second he had. He sighed. 'Goodnight, Lily,' he said, fighting the urge to embrace her once more. 'Night, Sev,' she replied, as she walked in. She turned around, and gave her last warm smile. It took Severus every bit of self-control to hold himself back.

He panicked. Worrying this all might be a dream that he will wake up from and never be able to see her smile again. The portrait swung shut, leaving him standing there, feeling completely empty.

'Are you okay, dear? The Fat Lady asked, interrupting his moment of distress. He looked up at her. Not bothering to reply, he began walking away. As he turned the corner, he heard a small 'hmmp!'

He made his way to his Slytherin common room, wishing all the Slytherin students would burn and disappear in the spot. He did not want to deal with the stuck-up attitude he knew he was going to get from Avery and Mulciber. He groaned, as he leaned against a wall, a more important thought crossing his mind. '_I will have to wait to get in,' _He thought, pinching between his eyes. He was physically and mentally exhausted. He longed for a goodnight sleep…

Suddenly, a pudgy Slytherin boy appeared. Severus followed him, knowing he was heading to the common room. The boy reached the stonewall and said, 'Excetra,' and walked in. He waited a few seconds, then made his way to the stonewall and echoed the password and walked in. To his great relief, no one was inside the common room.

Severus took a seat by the fireplace and admired the decoration, and quietness. He remembered how peaceful it always was in his common room. The Slytherin kept to themselves. They had groups for alliances, not friendship. However, he could not speak for all the Slytherin. Some could be different from him. For all he knew.

He looked up at the large Slytherin clock that hung above the fireplace. The clock had two large metal snakes hugging its border. The snakes had beautiful, carefully carved, skin. Every scale perfectly engraved into the snakes, giving them a realistic look. Shiny red jewels shone from the sockets of their eyes.

Severus felt a cold shiver run down his back as he remembered his master.

He leaned forward, cupping his face with his hands, and letting his hair cover the sides, '_I have no need to worry about the Dark Lord. He is no longer part of my life.' _He thought, as he reached for his left forearm, '_I cannot fool around. I must somehow inform Dumbledore, as I am the only one who knows of the Dark Lords secretes,' _He concluded, as he pulled his sleeve up urgently, desperate to see his forearm.

Naked, pale, and veiny skin was all he found. Severus was no longer a Death Eater. He was just a schoolboy, unchained from the sins of murder and betrayal. Well, at least he was in this life. The mental picture of Lily in his arm after the Dark Lord had murdered her was a dire reminder of his past life. He groaned, rubbing his face with fury.

It took Severus a few minutes to compose himself from the turmoil of emotions.

After what felt like an hour to Severus, he finally stood up, and began walking towards his room, stopping a couple of times, wondering if he was making the right turns. He arrived at the door, placed a hand on the doorknob... he stopped.

He could hear whispering coming from inside, he leaned closer to hear, 'and you should have seen that git, giving me attitude!' Severus heard Avery say aloud.

'Yeah, he's acting weird. I saw him and the Mudblood, – 'Severus tighten his grip on the doorknob, '– walking together to the Gryffindor common room, and not sneaking it like he has in the past.' Mulciber replied. He let out a cold laugh and continued, 'how stupid does the idiot think we are? Does he really think we have never notice he fancies the Mudblood? It's disgusting!' He sneered, his laugh growing colder. They barked together with laughter at Mulciber's statement.

'_How did ever come to trust these two brainless imbeciles? Or even endure their idiocy?_' Severus hissed inside mind, clenching his teeth in anger.

'Hey, do you think if I scare her friend Marge –; Mary, you mean? –; Yeah, whatever. Well, if I scare her off do you think she'll get mad at Severus again?' Mulciber asked Avery, excitement in his voice. 'I don't know. Like I said, Mulciber, he's not acting like his usual self… You didn't see the look on his face when I called Evans a Mudblood today. I never seen him so ticked off about it before.' Avery growled, sounding angry, 'who cares though. Maybe a little Dark Magic will bring the moron to his senses. Maybe, this time… we should try the Imperius curse on the Mudblood. – '

Severus flung the door open, he stood there, rage deforming his face.

Severus snapped his eyes at Avery and said, 'Avery. I might have heard you incorrectly, but I'm sure I just heard you might use Dark magic on Lily?' Obvious menace covering his words. Severus was well aware of what he had said. However, knowing how mischievous Avery was, he knew he would lie.

'No, you heard wrong Severus. Mulciber and I were just talking about the time we used the Imperius curse on Marge, – I mean Mary. _Right_, Mulciber?' He bogusly asked, looking at Mulciber, 'Yeah, Severus, you must be hearing things.' Mulciber sneered, glaring at Severus.

'Oh, good, because if you dare to do anything to Lily or _Mary_ by a matter a fact… You might find yourselves in a very painful situation. Do we have ourselves clear?' He threatened, mustering his deadliest look.

It worked. He saw a streak of fear strike their eyes. He had developed this ability over the years. It always worked in his past life with the students, shutting up there annoying little mouths quickly. 'Now, I wish to not be disturbed.' He finished, as he walked towards his bed, closing the curtain, not bothering to look at their stupid faces. To his relief, they shut their mouths and silence dominating the room.

He chucked his bag under his bed, took off his shoes, loosened his tie and shirt, and went under the covers, not bothering to look for his Pajamas. He was too exhausted and had to control himself from doing anything awful to Avery and Mulciber. He knew better though, he had to be bigger man, but he could not help worry… '_What if these idiots do decide to use Dark Magic on Lily?' _He questioned, tightening the grip on his wand. He glared at curtains, where Avery would have been if it were not for them. They had the guts to lie, right to his face. He passed a hand through his hair, frustrated with the situation.

He used Occlumency to clear his mind. He breathed, and tried to relax his muscles one by one.

He had to catch some sleep.

He reassured himself with a little peace by mentally telling himself that he would keep a closer watch on Lily, and Mary, for Lily's sake. He placed his wand underneath his pillow, put his hands behind his head, closed his eyes, and began sinking into a slight sleep.

–&–

A small smile crawled on Severus face that night.

Severus was dreaming of a young girl with red hair, laughing, smiling, and holding his hand as they ran up hill. The hill had Lilies rolling down its bright, green back. The boy and the girl ran up the hill, laughing and chasing each other. 'Come on, Sev!' The girl yelled, encouraging him to chase after her. Finally, the two children became tired from the running around. They climbed to the top of the hill, and lying down on their backs. Their skin pink from hours in the sunshine, knees stained green from all the running and falling, and their cheeks were sore from all the laughter of the day. They looked up and faced the lightly stared sky. The sun was setting, giving the sky multiple shades of red. Their little hands intertwined together, happy with one another's company. They used their free hand to point at silly shapes in the stars, laughing. The boy faced the little girl, a smile appearing on both their faces… the young boy who was holding the little girls hand and the boy who was sleeping peacefully in his bed.

ANOTHER AUTHORS NOTE:

Hehe, I hope you enjoyed the chapter as much as I enjoyed typing it! The next chapter probably will not be out for some time… sorry! Exams are coming up and I need to focus on them. However, I will try my best to update soon! (:

COME TO ME REVIEWS!

P.S. I still can't seem to figure out how to reply to peoples reviews. :d


	3. A Quiet Day

OMG. I. AM. SO. SORRY. ABOUT. THE. SUPPER. DUPPER. EEPPER. LATE. UPDATE.

I had my exams last week and this week. But I finished Friday :D so I partied super hard… jk, I didn't. I stayed home all day to rewrite a chapter for you guys! I made it super long, hoping it will make up for my lateness.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

**A Quiet Day**

Severus woke up early in the morning, thanks to a ray of sunshine that was peaking right between the eyelids of the curtains. He groaned, grabbed his wand and shut the curtains with a single snap. He rolled on his back, scratched his head, and then stretched his body awakening his stiff, well-rested muscles.

He froze, midway through the stretch, and shock morphed his face.

'_It was not a dream… It was not a lovely dream with a sad awakening…_' He thought as he finished his stretch. He sat up, and slowly pulled the curtains of his bed, making a small peaking hole. _'Fantastic, the morons are still asleep_,' Severus thought, as he silently placed a foot on the ground. He quickly and soundlessly gathered some clean clothes and left the room.

The common room was still dark, untouched by the morning sunrays that lid up the room its usual mossy green. Severus passed the clock, and took a glance at it as he paced through the common room. It was 5:17. The time one bit did not surprise him. He was never the type to get many hours of sleep. He was thankful knowing that this is early in the morning, you barely saw any students or even teachers up and running around.

Severus swooshed out of the common room and quickly made his way towards the Prefects bathrooms, making sure he was stealthy just in case Filch's ugly cat was up and sniffing for trouble.

He took the steps two at the time as he ran up the stairs to the fifth floor. He was so pleased with the fitness his younger body had. Running up the stairs was a breeze. Perhaps he would concern over his body more this time around and take up a healthier life style.

He spotted the statue of Boris the Bewildered and whispered, 'pine fresh,' and ran in. He had known about the Prefect bathroom from Lucius Malfoy in the past, as he bragged about its exquisite superiority over the other normal bathrooms. '_That's the only thing Lucius ever did. Boast about himself and the things he had,' _Severus thought. He began turning two taps, letting the water pour in great amounts. Soon enough the tub was full, emitting the soft smell of cotton.

'_I promised Lily I would study Transfigurations with her today…_' Severus thought, stepping into the tub. He reached for the shampoo and began lathering his head. He still could care less about looks but knew he should try to look presentable the least. He had always believed appearances were a minor worry in life. Knowledge was what led men to greatness. Not looks.

He reached for the soap and thought, _'having clean hair will meliorate my condition with the Marauders…_' He finished scrubbing his body. He was finished bathing but thought he would enjoy the hot water for a few minutes. He sat back, placed his arms on either side of the tub and tilted his head backwards, staring at the celling.

'_How will tell Lily about my past like? Furthermore, if I do tell her, will I be able to do it without scaring her? Telling her the truth is inevitable. I cannot construct an innocent image of myself, when in reality I was nothing but a Death Eater. Lily, please don't think ghastly of me…_' He tilted his head back to normal position and placed a hand on his face from disillusionment. _'I am fearful of losing you once more._' He cracked his one hand open in to a star, letting his eyes stare through them. His eyes wondered upward and found a mermaid on the window who looked invitingly at him. She was curling the tips of her hair with an index finger, smiling. He suddenly felt extremely exposed.

'That's quite the frightful look, you know…' came in a nasally sounding voice from the ceiling.

Moaning Myrtle was floating right above the mermaid, hiding in the glare the sun and window made. She slowly floated down in to view. She was on her side as if she was lying on a bed, with one arm holding her head up.

Severus felt twice as exposed now. He was humiliated, and extremely furious with the lack of respect the girl had. He looked her in the eye and said, 'do you mind getting out, you _insufferable_ girl?' loudly and rudely, aware of how touchy the girl was. He wanted her to leave as quickly as possible.

She looked as if she had sucked on a lemon. Tears began forming in her eyes and she let out a throaty cry. 'Oh _sure, _yell rude things at _Moaning Myrtle _cause she's dead and she has no feeli –'

'Get out! Get out! I heedlessly care for your feelings you annoying girl!' He said, louder than he had meant to. She let out another cry, stuck her tongue out, and dove into the water, disappearing.

Finally, all was quite once more.

Severus looked up at the mermaid. She looked shocked and disappointed with him. In her disappointment, she crossed her arms and spun around to give him her back. He could care less about what she thought of him.

He got out of the water, and quickly wrapped a towel around his lower body. He then picked up his clothes and wand, and made his way towards a stall to change.

He came to a brute stop as he passed a mirror and noticed a reflection. He hesitantly walked towards mirror, looking to the sides nervously as if someone was watching him.

He reached the mirror, standing only a few feet away. He began examining his younger body with great surprise, passing a hand over his face. He was shocked at how youthful he looked. He moved his hand from his face to his neck and then to his ribs. He was lean, but he was walking on the line of being scrawny. He could faintly see the outline of his ribs, as he passed a finger through the faint dents. He moved his eyes to look at his arms. They were lean, with good muscle definition, but they were not anything impressive. He fisted his hands, watching the veins grow more define.

His eyes were now crawling on the mirror, looking at his full reflection. He was extremely pale, veiny and with slight olive color that made him look somewhat sick. Perhaps he was doing a lousy job at taking care of himself? Apart from that, he thought he was in good shape for a boy his age. He leaned closer to the mirror to take a closer look at his face. His nose was large, but it was not as large as the Marauders portrayed it to be, they just wanted any reason to bully him and make him miserable.

He continued his examination, twisting his torso to look at his back.

Silvery-white, thin lines ran across his back. Severus violently glared at the scars with intense enmity. 'You had your ways of showing your love, _Tobias_.' He spat with a malevolent voice, as he ran a hand along the side of his body, over a more perceptible scar.

Severus leaned his weight on the sink and fixed a fierce grip with his hands. He intently looked into the sink, avoiding to look at the mirror. He did not want to see the man he would find if he did. He squeezed the sink harder, making his knuckles white.

'I should perish the man with my own hands…' He hissed between clenched teeth. People like Tobias had no reason to exist. '_It was because of him I had come to believe all Muggles were nefarious... disgusting, weak beings._'

He slowly lifted his head.

The man looking back at him from the mirror was not the same man that he had seen minutes ago. The man standing in the mirror had a lifeless look to him. He looked heinous, cruel, and heartless and his eyes had no mercy. They were deep with hatred and dark with resentment, representing a pit of despair.

Those were the eyes of a killer and he knew that. He was well aware that he was a killer. He had broken the line of innocence a long time ago, violently and without any hesitation. His lips curled in to the slightest satisfactory smile. He was a killer. A cold, heartless killer and he got a sick pleasure from it.

Severus placed a hand over his face, not wanting to look at the man any longer. '_Why? Why am I like this…? I have no desire to be that man any longer,' _he thought. He began shaking slightly, disgusted with his thoughts. The man in the mirror was a part of him, the part that scared him, the part that would scare…_'_Lily,' he whispered into the sink. He felt light headed and his hands were now sweaty. If he had any food in his stomach, he was sure he would have disgorged it all.

Severus lowered his hand from his face, ran it along the back of his neck, then slammed it back down to the sink, once more gripping it fiercely. He gradually lifted his quivering head.

Another man had walked in the mirror. The man who now stood staring back at him had sorrowful eyes, filled with pain and regret. He looked miserable to the core, rotting from guilt and affliction.

This was the other half of him. Severus knew this half better than the other half. This half had spent more than half his life companying him. He was the only one who could comprehend the pain and guilt he lived through every waking day.

He _despised_ this half of himself. It was his _weak_ half, the _soft _half, the _better _half of himself. He hated something more though, much more, and that was never listening to its notions. Listen to the voice that kept telling him that the road he was choosing was the wrong one.

The voice would whisper in the back his mind, '_think about her..._' However, in time, he learnt to quiet the voice. He pushed it so far into a hole in his mind that eventually disappeared completely.

So he thought…

The voice had come back after Lily's death, taunting him, hissing at him. It hissed, almost every day into his ear, '_feeling remorse?' _The question burnt into his ear every time, scarring his brain and soul, slowly engulfing him in to nullity.

Severus let out a lifeless laugh, sounding like a lunatic. He could not handle the sudden distress. He scared himself, knowing that the man in the mirror was deranged. After his laugh faded to silence and he had gain control of himself, he snapped his neck away from the mirror.

He walked into a stall and quickly changed into his uniform. He then haltingly walked out of the Prefects bathroom, making sure no one saw him as he stepped out.

Some students were up now, making their way to the Great Hall for breakfast. Severus did not feel the slightest bit of hunger after his moment in the bathroom. He never felt hungry in the morning anyhow. However, he made his way to the Great Hall for another reason. He was in hopes of finding Lily sitting down and having breakfast. He stopped at the door and looked for a girl with red hair.

There was no sign of shimmery red hair, only finding blondes and brunettes taking up seats. He sighed with disappointment. He then sourly made his way over to the Slytherin table. To his relief, there were only a few people sitting. He sat down as far away possible from everyone.

Severus wrinkled his nose, disgusted with the sight of the food. His stomach did a flip in agreement. He grabbed a cup and poured himself coffee, thankful there was some. He enjoyed coffee in the morning. It was only thing that would go down his throat in the mornings without making him nauseous. He sipped the cup and then grabbed his bag, rummaged through it, and pulled out his Transfiguration textbook. He placed it on the table with a thud and opened it.

There was absolutely nothing, nothing in the textbook he had already not known. He knew mostly everything from his past life in school but he had learnt most things from his own personal training, and witnessing some of the greatest wizards in action, even the Dark Lord himself. He closed the book shut, disappointed. He had always enjoyed learning. He believed and _always_ will believe that knowledge was what brought power to a man. _Not_ looks.

'Morning, Sev,' came in a sweet, weary morning voice. Severus tilted his head sideways and found a tired, messy haired, yet beautiful, Lily. Severus thought, that no matter what condition Lily was in, she would still somehow look beautiful.

He smiled. Nothing could make him happier than seeing the women he loved. 'Good morning, Lily,' he replied, with a note of happiness in his voice that sounded rather foreign to him. 'You're up early too, I see,' she claimed, grabbing some toast and placing it on her plate. 'Yes, I am.' He passed her the jam that was out of her reach. 'Is that coffee?' she asked, peaking into his cup and lifting an eyebrow.

Severus gulped, remembering small little things like these were crucial to keeping him unsuspicious. 'Oh, yes. I thought I would try it. Turns out, I quite enjoy it.' He smiled at her, and took a sip from his cup. 'Well, I suppose that it's a good thing. It's better than having nothing for breakfast like you usually do.' She slammed a large amount of apricot jam on her toast, and took a bite that seemed too large for her mouth. Lily was still eating her first piece of toast but she was slamming jam on a third one, and grabbing a raspberry and blueberry muffin and placing them on her plate.

Severus watched her with surprise. How could a petite looking girl like Lily, be able to fit all that food in her stomach? '_She must be making up for last night,' _he thought, taking a sip of his coffee and never taking his eyes of her. He was rather intrigue by her ferocious eating.

'Will you quite staring at me, Sev. You're making me feeluncomfooutumble,' mumbling her last words from another large bite, from her muffin this time. She swallowed, which looked rather painful, as her bites had indeed been too large for her mouth. She poured herself some milk, gulped it down and after a few seconds she was refilling her cup. When she swallowed, she said, 'is there something on my face?' she asked, picking up spoon and looking at her reflection.

'_I really need to be more attentive to my actions,' _he noted, placing his cup down as he had been holding it in midair since her mumble of words. 'Sorry, it seems I have, haven't I?' He knew it was a rhetorical question. 'Lily, do you still need my assistant with studying Transfigurations today?' he asked, hoping to get her mind of the previous question.

'Yes, if you're still up for it, that is.' She lifted one eyebrow, waiting curiously for his answer. She picked a piece of her muffin with her fingers and popped it into her mouth. 'Yes, of course. Shall we be of then?' He asked, gathering his books and neatly placing them in his bag. He knew the sooner they left the Slytherin table, the better. He did not want Lily to become uneasy with the whispering, hissing and scowling she would surely get when the puffy eyed Slytherin began arriving. 'What's the hurry?' She asked, pouring herself a third cup of milk. '_Is the human stomach capable of sustaining such large amounts of food?' _He thought, looking bemused. How sick would he feel, if he eaten _half_ of what she had just engulfed? He looked at Lily, and said, 'it would be wise, Lily, to leave before more Slytherin students fill the table.' Lily looked back at him, grabbed her last bit of muffin, and replied, 'that's a good point. Okay. So I was thinking that we should go back to where we sat yesterday?' She got her legs out from underneath the table, spun her body around, popped the last bit of her muffin into her mouth, and looked up him. He looked down at Lily, and smiled. 'That's a lovely idea.' Lily stood up, and they began walking.

What Severus had predicted had been correct; as he and Lily began walking towards the exit, passing by the more crowded section of the Slytherin table, they had to endure dirty looks. Lily seemed to be unaware. Instead, she looked happy and walked with a spring in her feet, completely oblivious to the hissing and staring.

On the other hand, Severus was not. He was giving glares to anyone who dared look his way. If they were looking to scowl at him or just peek with mere curiosity, he did not care. He gave a deadly glare anyways. When they reached the exit of the Great Hall, Severus let out a silent sigh, happy to be out of sight.

They walked down the hallway, both with a note of happiness in their steps. Severus was tempted to look at Lily, but thought better of it. He did not want to make Lily uncomfortable again, or make himself suspicious. He was finding it to be quite the challenge so he occasionally let his eyes have a peak.

Taking their first step out of the castle, the sun welcomed them with warm hugs. There was a slight, cold morning breeze. Nevertheless, the weather was quite enjoyable. Lily tilted her head to face the sky, and a smile just as warm as the sun spread through her face. '_She beautiful,' _Severus thought, wishing he could stare her all the time.

They had reached their destination, Lily smiling as she faced the lake, 'this spot is perfect.' She placed her bag down. 'Yes, it is,' he replied also placing his bag down.

Severus watched as Lily left the border of shadows casted by the tree and sat on a sunny spot on the grass, hugging her knees to her chest.

He watched her like a predator watching their prey, never taking his eyes off her, as she was unable to accuse him of staring because she had her back to him. He knew was greedy when it came to Lily. He always had been and always will be. He hated it when Petunia would come along and take Lily away for dinner when they had been younger. He could not even explain in words how much hatred he would feel when Potter would come along and snatch her away. It was as if his own limb would be ripped away, leaving him in severe pain.

'Sev, come lay down with me.' Lily smiled at him, making his greedy and dangerous face melt away in to tenderness. 'I rather not,' he replied. She turned her torso around and said,' oh, come on! Do you not remember how we use to lay by the river when we were younger? Well, this is the same thing.' She tapped the ground next to her with her hand, indicating him where to sit. He let out a sigh of defeat. Sitting on the ground was one thing, but placing your head on it was a completely new level of filthiness.

Severus looked into her eyes, becoming more and more convince by the second. How could he say no to Lily? He sighed once more, letting go of his adult pride. Slowly walking towards her, her smile growing bigger with every step he took. He slowly sat down, never taking his eyes away from hers. He gave her a cheap smile and looked towards the lake, still refusing to lay his head down on the grass.

Lily faced the lake with him, and whispered, 'I miss days like these. They remind me of the old days…' Severus faced her, finding slight sadness in her eyes. For him, the "Old Days" had a different meaning and a painful one too. The day he had lost Lily, the ''Old Days'' had become a miserable reminder of what he had lost. He eventually locked most of those memories away, only bringing them up occasionally when he missed her uncontrollably.

'There is nothing wrong with the present, Lily. I rather enjoy this moment with you.' His greedy gaze had returned.

She decided to lie down by herself, as it seemed Severus was not going budge. 'I know, I just miss how we use to spend all day together and not worry about anything. Nothing mattered those days, Sev. It was all about you and me.' She sighed, hiding her face between her arms.

Severus could sense how her happiness had shifted to sadness but he could not grasp where the sudden mood shift had come from. He looked down at her, wanting to place a hand on her shoulder, wanting to comfort her. He fisted his hand, holding back his desire. He knew it would come as shock to her. Showing physical comfort was the type of thing the young Severus never did. He had to try his best to stay in character.

'Sev,' Lily mumbled into her arms, breaking the silence, 'I don't know if you're spending your summer with Avery or Mulciber… but if you aren't, would you like to spend the summer over at my house?' She rolled on her side and held head up with one arm, looking at his face. 'You use to spend almost every day at my house when we were little, remember?' She said with a timid voice.

Where was this sheepish character coming from? He could not place his finger on where the lack of character was coming from. This Lily was not the one he knew.

Yes, of course he remembers those days. However, the sleepovers from back in the day were not suitable for the present. Being best friends with a girl when you were eight years old and wanting to have sleepovers was not a big deal. Once you were a teenage boy with raging hormones, parents no longer thought of you as an innocent little eight year old. Severus knew he would obviously never do anything along _those_ lines. However, like any adult, like Lily's parents and himself, he knew her parents would not allow him over for sleepovers, _especially_ the whole summer.

'We'll see what happens after you ask your parents, Lily, and no, I will not be spending my summer with either of those two, or Malfoy.' Severus said, hoping this was the reason behind her sulky attitude. To his relief, it was. Lily had relaxed her body, let out a sigh, and her voice had become softer. 'My mom misses you, Sev. She will be happy to see you. I can't say the same for Tuney though,' she giggled, smiling at Severus. Severus smirked, running a hand through his hair. He had forgotten all about Petunias sour attitude towards him. He looked down at Lily, expecting to meet a smile but instead found a troubled face. She sat up, looking at him with serious eyes and said, 'and my Dad, well, you'll just have to show him you're not who he thinks you are. He still thinks _badly _of you since the day Tuney told him about the book in your bag…' She bit down on her lower lip and looked sideways with disappointment and anger. Severus took in a deep breath of guilt, he too looking to his side with disappointment.

He began hating the Evans family that summer. He felt betrayed and lonely as if no one was ever going to accept him. He surrounded his life in Dark Magic, and secretly pledged to become a Death Eater and rid the world of filth. Everything changed for him that summer, and nothing was ever was the same again.

* * *

Flashybacky:

Severus and Lily had spent the day in the park, sharing thoughts about their second year at Hogwarts, their summer days, his father, Petunia, and their future. In second year, Severus had already started to believe Death Eater road had everything life could offer. It had everything he wanted, power, respect, and superiority. Being a Death Eater seemed to prove everything he wanted and more…

Lily grabbed his hand, snapping him out his thoughts. She was tired of sitting around so they headed for the swings. Far too excited by Lily's hand he had forgotten about his school bag and had left behind unwatched. They ran to the swings, both fighting for the one that apparently went higher. They both knew it did not, but it had become a habit to fight over it whenever they went on the swings. After a few minutes, Severus gave her the swing and they began swinging, laughing uncontrollably for no apparent reason. They enjoyed each other's company more than anything the world had to offer.

Then, a sudden ear-splitting scream had come from behind them. They both placed their feet on the ground, wanting to stop swinging and find the source of the scream. Once they finally stopped swinging, they spun around and found a crying Petunia who was running away from a viciously chomping book. Lily ran after her sister with her wand in hand; ready to protect her sister from harm.

Severus stood there, not moving a muscle, cemented to the ground with hatred. How could some possibly be so _nosy?_ The little annoying Petunia could have only found that book in one place, and that place, was his bag.

Severus watched as the book was having a good go at Petunias ankle, inches away from taking a good chunk of her ankle. He let a vile smile spread across his face at the thought of it happening. She deserved this for rummaging through his things.

'Sev! Will you stop standing there and help me!' Lily yelled, bringing him back to the reality from his wicked thoughts. Lily had replaced her wand with one of her shoes, attempting to hit the book that was now attacking her feet. Severus protective side for Lily took over and within seconds, he was at the scene.

Seconds later, the book was wailing in pain as Severus stomped on it, trying to knock it out. Eventually the book settled and became harmless. Severus grabbed it, stomped back to his bag and grabbed the piece a rope that had been holding the book shut. He checked his bag to see if everything was in there and to his horror, the one book he cared about the most was sprawled open on the ground. He looked at the book with horror, and then at Petunia, and then back to his book again. His _A Beginning: Understanding The Dark Arts _textbook was wide open to an especially gruesome page of a wizard torturing a young woman. He gulped. He felt guilty for being caught red handed with such a malicious book.

Petunia took the chance of the silence and yelled, 'Lily, he's a creep! I-I saw what was in his bag and it is plain _wrong_, Lily!' She grabbed her sister's hand and looked at her with same eyes she did whenever her little sister got hurt. Lily pulled her hand away, and protested, 'might I remind you! If it were not for Sev and me, _Tuney_, you would still be running around like chicken without a head! It's not nice to say he's a creep right after he saved your sorry arse!' She fumed, crossing her arms in outrage. 'It's not my fault you _freaks_ go around carrying monsters for books!' Petunia yelled back, crossing her arms, mimicking her sister.

Severus had had enough; he trampled back and came face to face with Petunia and spat, 'if you weren't such a nosy girl,' he threw his bag on the ground in anger, 'things like this wouldn't happen to you, now would they?' He fisted his hand on his side, controlling himself from wanting to hex her arse back home. Petunia recoiled and took a step back but kept her glare. 'I saw that book of yours and if that's what you're in to, then you're a-a ruffian creep!' she spat, pointing a bony finger at Severus. Petunia faced her sister, softening her eyes once more, 'Lily, he's creepy… why can't you see it?' She asked with a worried look in her eyes.

' Stay. Out. Of. My .Stuff.' Severus spat every word through clenched teeth, taking a step towards her, making her recoil once more. Petunia looked at him with real fear now. How could Lily not see that the boy was bad news? She moved her eyes back and forth between her little sister and the wicked boy.

Petunia had no choice, Lily was still her little sister, and even if they don't get along as well as they use to, she will protect her.

She let out a loud 'Hmmp!' and stood her ground, showing Severus he did not scare her. She looked at Lily with furious and determined eyes and in a very calm and threatening voice, she said, 'I'm telling Mom, Lily. That the people you hang out with are the wrong lot. No, wait, I'mtelling, _Dad_.' With that, Petunia stomped towards her house, her ponytail flying back forth.

The next day, when Lily and Severus were at the park sharing sweets and laughing, Lily's father had shown up with Petunia at his side. 'Lil, grab your things, were going home, it's getting late!' Mr. Evans yelled from the exit of the park. Lily looked at Severus, confusion in her face, and then she looked back at her father, 'Dad, it's not even dinner time-' She began yelling back before her dad cut her in with a stern,' _now_, Lily.' Lily gulped, gathered her things and gave Severus an apologetic smile before she ran towards her dad and Petunia.

Severus felt a sting in his heart, and a stone of guilt hit the pit of his stomach when Mr. Evans had given him a look a pure disapproval as he placed a hand on her daughter and encouraged her to walk forward. Lily fought back, giving Severus glances of worry while Petunia looked back at him with a mean, triumphant smile on her face.

From that day on, it was never the same for Severus to hang out with Lily, as Mr. Evan was making sure their meeting times were cut annoyingly short. Severus had become bitter with the unfair treatment Mr. Evans was giving him, that eventually he began leaving Lily alone. He hated it. There were times he was so angry he would cry and begin breaking stuff in his room like an eight year who was having a tantrum.

That summer, Severus had his world spun around for him, changing dramatically the way he viewed the world and Muggles. That was when Dark Magic had become something comforting and soothing to him. It had openly accepted his undesired love with open arms.

Every day and night, he would read deeper and darker books than ever before. Sometimes, he even recoiled away from some books as they had such grisly images and vivid descriptions of foul torture. In time, he got over the pictures and stories. Eventually, he became fascinated with what Dark Magic could do.

He changed a lot that summer, even physically. From missing Lily or maybe it was the Dark Magic kicking in. He did not know or cared. He had become pale, skinnier, and there was a dark smile blooming in his face. His parents yelling, late night readings and the fact that he was incapable of sleeping in like normal boy was really taking effect on his facial features. He noticed the circles around his eyes become far more definitive from the lack asleep, and there was a twitch in his eye from time to time…

End of flashybacky.

* * *

'Sev, hey Sev, Severus!' came a loud voice with a rough shake to the shoulders. Severus fixed his eyes, and found a rather angry looking Lily. She let go of his shoulders in fright the second he placed his glare on her. Why did he look so angry?

Severus realized his glare, intending to be to his memories, had gone to Lily. She recoiled. Right away he softened his stare, 'I'm sorry, I seemed to have dozed off,' he said, gently, placing a hand on hers, gesturing an apology.

'That summer changed me Lily. It had been then I had chosen to get deeper in to the Dark Arts than ever before.' He told her, spilling out one of his secrets. He sighed, letting go of her hand and closed his eyes. 'I will attempt to recondition Mr. Evans thoughts.' He said aloud, emboldening himself.

He suddenly felt a warm hand on his forehead. His eyes shot open at the sudden touch. Lily was looking at him with an eyebrow raised high, and an overly perplexed face. 'Are you sick?' She asked, letting out a snort of laughter, 'honestly, since when do you care about stuff like that?' She moved her hand form his face and shoved his shoulder. She let out another snort of laughter, this time becoming a preposterous laughter, making her grab her ribs as she began rolling on the ground in pain.

Severus was dumfounded. What was he supposed to do in a situation like this? He shifted his weight, uncomfortable with the situation. He did not say anything funny. He was being serious and Lily took it as some joke? He huffed silently at her immatureness. Lily looked up at him, laughing even louder, and placing a hand in mid-air and gasping, 'Sev, stop, please, before I burst a lung or something.' She wiped tears of laughter away from her eyes as she began settling down.

Still, Severus had no clue on what could possibly make Lily laugh so outrageously. 'I don't understand what you found _laughable _about my words?' He said with a thick layer of annoyance in his voice. Lily suddenly realized his attitude and stopped laughing at once. She sat properly and faced him. 'Sorry, it's just; you seem so _strange _today… it's really unlike you! Dozing off, thinking about me before you Slytherin lot, wanting to _fix_ things with my Dad… it's all too much!' She shoved his shoulder once more.

He grabbed her hand, and squeezed it lightly. 'Lily, please don't find my words a ridicule matter. I'm being solemn about the things I'm telling you.' He placed her hand down on her lap, keeping a stern face.

'I- uh, sorry… you're right, I shouldn't be laughing. I've ever seen you act like this, so… genuine.' She began fidgeting with her hands, looking guilty.

'It's quite alright.' He replied.

'I really am sorry. I guess all these changes you're having really throw me off,' she whispered and looked up at him, and found the softest expression she had ever seen on Severus.

'Lily, I promised you I would change and I will.' He whispered, moving a hair from her face with a gentle hand, 'I know you doubt me and I understand, but I wish you had a little more faith in me.' He smiled at her and placed the hair behind her ear.

He took his hand away with a jolt, realising his odd behaviour. He cleared his throat and asked, 'why would your mother be happy to see me?' Hoping to change the awkward atmosphere, he caused.

Lily placed a hand behind her ear, where Severus had touched her mere seconds ago. It felt nice being treated that way, especially from Severus. He _never_ touched her. She had always been the one grabbing his hand, shoving him, hugging him, and occasionally laying her head on his shoulder. He always seemed to get annoyed with her public affection. He would shove her off, feeling awkward from all the stares he got, especially from Avery, Mulciber, and Malfoy. She felt as if he had to prove them he had no feelings for a _Mudblood_ like her. It broke her heart every time.

She sucked up the bitter thoughts and smiled at him, lifting her head to meet his eyes. 'My mom has always liked you, you know that. She always said you were "lost and confused and needed a good friend." She argued once or twice with Dad about how he was wrong about you and that you were actually a good kid. He didn't buy it though. He said he grew up with kids like you and knew exactly how you would turn out. You know, a delinquent, a drug addict, anything along those lines.'

Severus snorted, a smirk appearing on his face. '_He would probably accept a delinquent with open arms if he knew what a Death Eater was,' _he thought, as he placed a hand on his face from shame. 'I told him those types of people didn't really exist in our world and I told him about Death Eater and You-Know-Who. He said he would not be surprised if you ended up following him. I told him he was wrong. Even when I expected you were on the path to becoming one… Still, I would always tell him you were good! '

Severus froze in the spot as a bucket of ice-cold water of guilt poured over his head. He looked at Lily, who was smiling at him with an angelic face. Mr. Evan had been right about him, and right about keeping his daughter away from him. Severus let out an empty laugh as bitter reality washed over him.

'I'm so glad schools over after tomorrow. I have something to look forward to this summer.' Lily smiled at him. She was hoping to get Severus out of the uncomfortable atmosphere she had made for him. She could see the guilt in his face.

Severus returned a forced smile. 'Let's begin reading those notes of yours, Lily.' He no longer wished to continue the awkward conversation.

'You're such a nerd, Sev,' she replied, grabbing her bag and dumping her books on the floor. She picked up her Transfigurations textbook, opened it and placed a finger on a page, 'this, this is the part I don't understand.' Severus grabbed the book and carefully read over the page. After a minute, he placed the book down and began explaining.

Time passed and the sun danced across the morning sky and did a leap at noon. Severus had explained everything there was to the chapter that Lily had not understood. He even went beyond that. He explained how and why the spell worked the way it did. He showed her quicker wand movements than what the textbook read and fixed her posture when it came to holding a wand. 'Sev, you're a really good teacher!' Lily said, turning her book in to a guinea pig, and back in to a book again, as if she had done it for years.

Severus laughed, and looked at her with the most comical face ever. 'Lily, I hardly doubt I would make an acceptable teacher. Believe me, the kids would hate me.' He laughed a bit louder, tilting his head back with a hand on his forehead. 'Yeah, I guess… you would probably give a lot of homework and scare the kids with your mean glares,' she replied, mustering a fake glare that looked rather amusing. Severus laughed even louder, astonished at how well she knew him.

They laughed and laughed for no reason at one point. Severus felt the worries he had been carrying for years melt away with his laughter. He was holding his gut, feeling sharp pains from the laughter. Lily was back on the ground, rolling on the floor, and grasping her gut from pain.

'Sev, I haven't laughed this much since you sat on gum at the park that one day!' She mumbled through fits of laughter, clawing at his shoulder. Severus found nothing funnier than seeing Lily laugh like a maniac, now that it was _appropriate_ to laugh.

He was not laughing with her, he was laughing at her. He had forgotten how crazy Lily could get at times.

'That was anything _but_ funny, Lily. It was revolting! Who goes around placing gum on children's swings?' He grabbed her hand, as she was clawing deeper into his shoulder. He was sure there was going to be marks there the next day if she kept it up. 'Lily, please, you are ripping my shoulder apart!' Apparently, she had not heard as she had gone in to another wild spasm of laughter. 'Sev, please, stop, you are killing me!' She wiped tears from her eyes.

'May I ask, stop what, exactly? As I recall, I have not done anything to cause you to laugh like mad.'

'Hey! A second ago you were laughing along with the _mad_ one!' She said. She was calming down now. She wiped the last tears of laughter away.

It was true, he had been laughing like madman a few seconds ago. He knew he would savour this day and this moment for as long as he lived. He has not been this happy in a long time nor had he ever laughed so outrageously.

At last, silenced took over. They sat there for a few minutes before Severus broke the silence. 'I think we should head inside, Lily. I believe it's about lunch time.' He had become aware of how hungry he was. Apparently, so was Lily. Her stomach let out a growl of hunger in agreement to his suggestion. 'You're right. All the laughter really worked up a hunger!'

They gathered their things and headed for the school. If Severus could skip, he probably would be. It had been a perfect day. Too bad, it came to a stop…

'Snape!' came in a demanding voice. Severus tilted his head upwards and found a blond, petulant Malfoy.

'Malfoy,' Severus replied with a nod. As much as he disliked the man's self-righteous attitude, he was the only Death Eater he could find mutual ground when it came to disagreements.

Malfoy's nose cringed at the site of Lily, as if she was some sort of filthy dog Severus had dragged in. Severus cleared his throat, 'is there something you need, Malfoy?' He wanted to leave as soon as possible. To the looks of it, Lily was taking Malfoy's unendurable attitude quite well. She made no rude remark to his obvious dislike of her presence. Instead, Lily seemed to be taking an interest at her hands as if there was nothing more interesting.

'Where have you been? I heard from Avery and Mulciber about your attitude problem. I must say, Snape, I am rather disappointed ' Malfoy was about to continue when Severus cut in. 'Malfoy. The ways I choose to act are none of your concern. Now if you excuse me, I will be heading inside.' Not even having to ask, Lily began walking ahead of him.

'Watch that tone of yours, Snape. If I may remind you, I am the only one able to guarantee your _path_.' He sneered, holding his head up high. Lily stopped at her tracks and spun around, shock covering her face. Soon enough, her shock faced turned in to a sheer hatred one. Before anything out of hand happened, Severus put a hand in front of her, and gave her a deadly look so she would keep her mouth shut. 'Malfoy, I wish to speak about these things in private. However, as you seem to be incapable keeping that mouth of yours shut, I would inform you, I no longer need you to lay out my stepping-stones.'

Malfoy's eyes widened. He took a few seconds to recover his loathly face. He spat between clenched teeth,' have you forgotten, Severus, of all your goals? I do believe, _someone,' _he glanced at Lily,' is once more getting in _your_ way to great things.' Severus cleared his throat and intensified his gaze. All he wanted was peace and it seemed almost impossible to find it. 'I have nothing getting in my way, Malfoy.' His patience was beginning to drain. 'I wish to be left alone,' he said through clenched teeth, 'and to not be pestered about my decisions any longer. There is no need for you or either Avery and Mulciber to be effected by this choice!'

Malfoy looked as if someone had slapped him across the face. He took a step back, and huffed. 'You're making a big mistake, Snape, and if you don't smarten up it's going to cost you.' Malfoy said in calm voice, with a streak a threat. Malfoy gave Lily one last glare, as if she was to blame for everything that just happened, and then he walked away.

Severus blood began to slightly heat up; if anything, he knew, Malfoy's held true to their threats and he definitely picked it up in his tone of voice. When Lily placed a hand on his shoulder, the heated blood began to cool down. He looked at her and sighed. He was frustrated; he felt he had to work so hard to maintain peace. He knew he was far, very far from peace. He ran a hand through his hair, pushing his worries to the back of his mind.

Lily could not help but stare as he ran a smooth hand through his hair. This was a new trait of his and it rather suited him. It made him look… handsome?

She looked up and found an intense stare from Severus. For some reason he was searching her face, looking for something. Bemused by his keen stare her cheeks began to blush.

'Do not listen to a word Malfoy says, Lily. I have no intentions of following him.' Severus said, breaking the silence that was becoming uncomfortable for Lily. 'Oh.' She mumbled. She cleared her throat, discovering there was a frog in it. 'It's okay, I believe you.' She smiled at him, hoping to look convincing enough. It was not that she did not believe him. She just felt rather flustered at the moment and she didn't know why.

Severus looked into Lily's eyes, wishing he could use his Legilimency powers to able, for once, to fully understand her mind and be able to make her believe his words. He was rather confused by the actions she _didn't_ do. He thought she would latch out and begin lecturing him about his choices but nothing happened. She gave him one of her smiles he knew was a fake one. He was not in the mood to pursue her for an explanation though. He knew he could only convince Lily with time. Forcing his words down her throat every minute was not the most tactic move.

Severus softened his gaze, noticing how uncomfortable he was making Lily with his visual examination of her face.

'I believe we were on our way to lunch?' He asked with a smile, attempting to lift the heavy atmosphere. 'Yes! I forgot. I'm hungrier than before now that you remind me.' She spun around and headed for the school.

They walked into the school, making their way to the Great Hall. Severus halted as he spotted Avery at the far end of the hallway. He grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty room. He sighed, frustrated. For such a big school, he seemed to be running in to the people he disliked the most, quite often. 'What's wrong?' Lily asked as she stuck her head out the door, looking for the source that caused his strange behaviour. 'I don't want to have to run in to Avery or Mulciber again. They're starting to cut my patience short, very short,' Severus said with a vexatious voice. Lily nodded in agreement.

'Well… how about you stay here and I'll bring us some food? I will be quick, the Great Halls just around the corner.' She placed a hand on the door handle and ran out before he even got the chance to respond.

Lily walked into the Great Hall and speedily made her way towards the Hufflepuff table. She avoided the Gryffindor's on purpose in case one of her friends spotted her and asked her what she was doing. She grabbed five sandwiches, plenty of fruit, and a several cookies and biscuits. She placed the food in a large, cloth made napkin and tied it up. She then placed the lumpy sack of food in her bag and spun around.

She groaned.

Mary had been standing behind her all along. 'I know where you've been and I _who _you've been with, Lily.' Mary protested. She had a hand on her hip and an accusing look to her face.

'Did you forget we were supposed to meet in the library to study today? Or did it fly out of your mind because you were busy hanging out with Snape?' Mary pushed a finger in to her shoulder.

Lily slapped herself in the forehead. 'I'm really sorry; I forgot we planned to study today.' Lily sighed, looking to the side guilty. She honestly had forgotten. 'Look, I'll study with you tonight. I promise. I have to go now though, Severus waiting for me.'

'We talked about this last night, Lily. You know he is bad news! And you seemed to be finally accepting it, remember?' Lily felt her cheeks growing red at Mary's statement. It was true; she had started accepting what her friends were saying about Severus. They did not know he had changed though. Wait, she wasn't even sure if he really _had_ changed. She just agreed with him, like she always did so they would stop arguing.

Lily stopped as she reached the door of the Great Hall. She sighed and looked at Mary who had been following her. She had a concerned look on her face. 'Look, I know I've said this before, but this time you have to believe me – no wait! – let me finish! This time, I think he _really _means it, Mary. You didn't see how he was acting yesterday _or_ today!'

'Lily, stop. We have gone through this! You stick up for him and then you come back to me all disappointed because of him. Do you remember when Snape and his lot used an _Unforgivable _curse on me, Lily? Moreover, how he stood there and thought it was just a _laugh.' _Lily shifted in her feet and played with her hands uncomfortable. She could not talk Severus out of this one.

Mary sighed and placed a hand on her friends shoulder. 'Lily, I understand, I really do. I know you care about him a lot, but it's best if you let him go. Nothing good will come from him, Lily. He is bound to follow to follow You-Know-Who! Why else do you think he treats Muggleborns the way he does? '

Lily felt the boiling blood rising to her ears. As much as Mary's words were true, she always got mad when they told her to give up on Severus. Lily grabbed Mary's hand from her shoulder and huffed. 'If you're not going to be understanding, Mary, then I think it's best we talk about this another day.' With that, she stormed off. She looked over her shoulder and saw an astonished look on Mary's face. She felt slightly guilty but shrugged it off.

It was not often that she treated Mary like that. They had always gotten along, since day one to be exact. They never argued, and when they did, it was about Severus. The only reason she denied Mary's words was because she did not want to believe they were true. She didn't want to give up on Severus. She knew that somewhere beneath his rough character was still the young boy she had adored so much. Even though, she was ready to fight for him, somewhere, in the back of her mind, there was voice that was getting louder. And that voice said, '_he doesn't care about you anymore._' She denied the voice every time, but she could not help but clutch her heart in pain.

Okay, so I have bad news…

Next weekend I'm leaving on a trip and I won't be back for two weeks so there will be no updates. Sorry ;( But I'm already working on the next chapter so I will hopefully post it before I go. I will also be taking a journal with me, write chapters there, and update as soon as I get back. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Next one should be up soon! Once more, forgive my crappy grammar! I'm still learning! I have been reading a grammar book lately… I hope helping it is. Ahahaha.

TOODLE DOO. (:

REVIEWS IDEAD REVIEWS IDEA REVIEWS. am i doing a good job with keeping the characters true? is the plot too long? any ideas on what i should with Lily and Severus? give me your ideas and critics! :)


	4. A Second Thought

**A Second Tought**

Severus was waiting for Lily in dusty room. He summoned a blanket and placed it on the window ledge. At least this was an improvement to sitting on the ground by the lake. He really did not mind, now that he thought about it. He would probably sit on mud, if Lily asked him too.

Severus walked towards the window, and took place on its shadowy side, looking out the window, watching the students in the Court Yard. This scene, reminded him of the days he had been Headmaster - in his old life. He placed a hand on the wall. It was cold and brittle under his hand, exactly like the one from his memories. It was as if he was really back in his old life. The only thing keeping him from believing it were the children running, smiling happily in the Court Yard.

Severus squeezed his hand on, the rough edges of the wall digging into his palm. His stare shifted and became a dark one, representing the thoughts that were running through his mind: The toughest and darkest days of his life.

Severus was prepared to lift his wand and kill innocent adults who went against the Dark Lords bindings. In all honesty, he did not mind. Killing was part of the job, and it did not bother him. At times, he thought it was a good way to let out his pent up anger at the world.

Those were adults though, and not children. He never prepared for that - to put a child under the Cruciatus Curse. Severus knew he was a horrible man, but he never thought he would sink so low in his life. It just wasn't human to do so.

Even when the screams were not from his own hands, but from the Currows, he was powerless to stop the two of them in most occasions. For it would raise suspicion among him. His mission was at its climax and to mess up would be fatal to him, and the world. It was like balancing two heavy bombs on each of his hands – a fatal position for him, and those around him.

Severus had denied himself countless hours of sleep to search the hallways at night, to catch the wondering idiots before the Currows did. He, of course, _had_ to torture them, to keep up his awful façade and not let it falter to another one. However, his way of torture did not include any Unforgivable Curse or any harmful hexes. Instead, he gave the children tedious jobs that could be resolved within a second with a simple flick their wand but could take hours without it.

His favourite student, _Longbottom_, was a frequent delinquent at the school. At one point, he had to _make _a room dirty so the idiot could clean it. Writing, "The Boy Who Lived Will Return. Brighter Days Are Ahead!" was one of Longbottoms favourite night activities. Sometimes, the boy was stupid enough to write during the day. However, to a miniscule level, Severus had admired the boy's never wavering spirit.

Severus slid his hand down the wall, placed in his pocket, and let his head fall to the ground. To think, that _Longbottom_ – of all people – at some level was a far greater man then himself, was mind trapping and suffocating. Severus wrapped his fingers around his wand in humiliation, reluctant to believe the bitter truth. The more it sunk in, the angrier he became, and deeper the cut of disgrace got, leaving a deep surreal scar. A reminder of the weak man he was.

Severus slammed his fist against the wall. The anger, all the hormones, and shifting emotions were becoming too much. He closed his eyes, breathing in and out to gain control. He was not going to let Longbottom get the best of him. After a few seconds, he pushed himself away from the wall and opened his eyes, and that is when he realized how cold the room was and how the air around him felt… heavy? He looked around, scanning each corner of the room, looking for the source causing the heavy atmosphere. After a few minutes of scanning only dust, he gave up. He was alone in the room.

Severus, for some reason, felt tired and his mind was fuzzy. There was a slight ringing sound in his ear and there was cold sweat coming from his pores. _'What is happening to me?' _he asked himself, as he slid down the wall. He clutched onto his chest, the air becoming heavier. It was like breathing thick smoke after a long run. He bumped the back of his head on the wall, trying to stop the ringing sound in his head. It was like a radio with a poor signal and it was getting louder and louder.

In instinct, he dug into his pocket, grabbed his wand, and squeezed it.

In an instant, Severus stopped all his movement. _'What is the meaning of this?' _He questioned, as he slowly took out his wand from his pocket. He examined it, just like the first time he did as boy, when his mother had purchased it at Ollivanders for him.

The sickness he was feeling was not from himself. It was from his magic. Thinking more clearly than before, Severus was able to recognize the pressure around him. It was his magic.

'Perhaps,' Severus began out loud, 'my magic has not settled from the journey to the present time I stand at?' He streamed through the chapters from the encyclopaedia of his mind and found no reasonable explanation for what was happening to him. He sighed, defeated. Even though he worried, the magic was settling down so he stopped fretting over it. In time, the magic would settle down, returning to normal. Severus leaned the side of his face against wall, welcoming the coolness the stonewalls offered. He felt rather warm.

After a few minutes had gone by, he heard a '_click'_ from the door, disturbing his peace. Who walked in though, brought him more peace. Lily walked in, closed the door with another '_click'_ and walked towards him. Severus pushed himself up with a minor struggle and said, 'hello,' with a smile on his face.

Lily sat down on the window ledge and placed a lumpy bag full of food in front of her. 'Hello,' she replied and looked at him, 'are you okay?' There was little folds between her eyes in worry. Severus could smell the aroma coming from her bag, and it made his mouth water. He was hungry. Glad the food had finally arrived, he leant against the wall, facing Lily on an angle. 'I'm fine Lily, don't worry. Just a little tired, that's all.'

They ate in quiet. Severus stood in shadow and watched as the rays of the sun poured on to Lily, enhancing her beauty. She turned her face from the window, faced him and gave a smile warm like the sun that poured into the room. The string in his cold heart sang a warm melody.

※

Time passed and the rays of the sun were changing their direction, falling upon Severus. They were both facing out the window. There was a silence, neither tense nor an awkward one. It was a fathom of an understanding quietness only between the two of them.

The only thing left from the meal, were the grapes, as Lily did not like them and Severus was too full to eat them. 'Thank you,' he said, offering Lily a hand to stand up. 'No problem,' she took his hand and with a graceful jump, fell on her two feet. She let go of his hand, and patted her skirt down. She grabbed her bag, and asked Severus if he could clean up the mess.

'Of course,' he replied. He took out his wand, and once more, the air became heavy. He quickly shifted his gaze to Lily, checking if she had noticed. To busy organizing her books, it had gone unnoticed. He lifted his wand, and his eyes wondered down his arms until he met his wand. 'Are you alright?' asked Lily once more, looking at him with concern as she saw the look of uneasiness on his face. He gripped his wand tighter, trying to control the magic around himself. 'Yes, I'm fine.' he replied.

He concentrated, and the spell, barely audible, left his lips. With a whoosh, the remainder of the food had disappeared.

As simple as the spell was, Severus was shock to see what it had caused. His arm slowly went back to his side and he took a step towards the window. He found two bricks to be missing and a small crack - that was surely not there before - had appeared on window. He brushed his fingers along the edges of where the bricks use to be, checking if what had happened was real.

'How…' Severus heard from behind him. He turned around and he found Lily looking at the hole, mirroring his own shocked expression. 'I- I don't understand?' he said out loud, clearly to himself rather than to her. His expression changed, and he now looked very concern and angry. _'This is not good! I'm losing control over my magic!' _Severus was having an inner panic, his eyes shifting side-to-side, reading information from his brain, and trying to find information for a solution to his growing problem. Lily walked up to his side, and placed a hand on his shoulder, about to say something but a gentle knock on the door interrupted her.

'Lily, are you in here?' came a familiar voice, 'I saw you walk in here a while ago.'

Lily gasped, and quickly pulled out her own wand and casted a charm on window ledge. Making the bricks re-appear into their spots. With another flick, she fixed the crack on the window.

Severus shoved his wand in his pocket, and turned towards to the door and found a timid looking Mary poking her head through the door. They locked eyes for second, until Mary shifted her eyes to Lily.

There was tenseness between the stare of the two girls that could possibly burn holes, if allowed. Then, Lily shifted to her side uncomfortably, and looked at her fidgeting feet, representing a little girl who had been caught doing something she shouldn't be. 'I'm sorry,' Lily said, as Mary walked into the room. 'I shouldn't have raised my voice at you like that.'

'Oh, come off it!' Mary said, with a smile on her face. Lily looked up and smiled as well, happy that Mary forgave her so easily. 'I was stepping on your tail, being inconsiderate about your feelings,' Mary began, walking up to Lily, 'I should be the one apologizing, sense you didn't do anything wrong.'

Severus felt uncomfortable and comfortable all at ones. The girls completely forgetting he was present gave him a chance to step aside and leave his thoughts to his own. However, the argument was clearly about him and it bothered him greatly.

'Yeah, but still, the way I acted was childish of me,' Lily continued. Severus was completely in the shadows now, wondering by the cupboards filled with ingredients for potions. Most of the supply was expired and useless to be of any use anymore.

'Oh please, hold back you noble apology,' Mary retorted back with a giggle. 'You know I'm not actually mad. Anyways, I came here to remind you that we would study together for the exam.

Severus, deciding it was best to depart so he could have time to himself, walked over to Lily and grabbed his bag. He walked past Lily, and as he passed Mary, he gave a stern look but said nothing. As his hand gripped the door, Mary said, 'Snape, wait. I want to talk to you.' His grip on the door did not loosen; rather, it tightened in frustration. _'Talk about what?'_ he hissed in mind, _'how you would advise I should keep my distance from Lily?' _

Mary sighed and said, 'I don't want to fight, Snape. I just want to talk, so stop acting so defensive.' Her words only feeding the fire that was growing within him. The magic around him once became heavy, reacting to his anger. He sighed, loosening his grip on the doorknob. _'Don't let the anger get the best of you.'_ he nagged himself.

He spun around, faced Mary, and prepared himself to hear her censure. 'And what, pray tell, Mary, do you wish to talk about?' He said in a monotone voice, an effect from the Occlumency shields that were coming up to contain his emotions. His anger grew as he saw the look on Mary's face – disapproval.

Mary crossed her arms, and began, 'Look, I know you and I don't get along but I want to be honest about something.' She looked at the ground, seeming to ponder her words. 'Go ahead,' Severus encouraged her with a scornful look. Mary looked up and returned the icy stare Severus was sending her. 'First, I'll start with a question though,' Mary said with a stern voice, gathering her courage. Mary looked at Lily, as if she was asking for approval on something. Lily glared back, looking insulted.

'Mary, don't. I don't want to fight. Just let it go,' Lily said, her words sounding tired and annoyed all at once.

'Don't you think it only fair, Lily? Don't you want to know?' Mary said, sounding angrier with each word that left her mouth. '_I_ want to know. I want to know why he treats you the way he does, when he says he's your _best_ friend.'

Severus angered peaked, and he fisted his hands at his side. _'Calm, stay calm,' _he played repeatedly in his mind. Severus could care less to what the girl had so say. Most of things coming out of her mouth being trash, but the words she spoke hit him painfully hard. Because her words were true or _had _been true.

'Listen, _MacDonald_, I know in the past I have retreated Lily at times… unkindly. However, I can assure you, my intentions towards Lily are now at best interest, just like yours. I will no longer say immature, hurtful words to her or _you_, for a matter of fact.' He finished with struggle, even though his words were true, he didn't want to be explaining himself to MacDonald.

Mary huffed, not believing a single word that came out his mouth. Why would she believe his words, when she had facts to prove him otherwise? Mary squared her shoulders. 'I don't like to get between you and Lily but I have to know one thing. Why do you go around, insulting other Muggleborns, when,' she placed a hand on Lily's shoulder, 'Lily here, is a Muggleborn?'

'Must you be so _annoying_?' Severus hissed back, becoming completely annoyed with the girl. This was completely pointless; she would never believe him so why should he waste his breath?

Mary smiled, as if she found victory in his rude words.

He squeezed his right hand even harder, his nails digging painfully into his hand. His emotions and control over his newfound magic were beginning to slip. It was like trying to cup water with your hands. Eventually, it would inevitably pour to the ground between your fingers.

Severus looked up at MacDonald. She was watching him with disapproval. He knew this was important to her. Finally, they were having the conversation she had been waiting for so long. Where he wasn't spitting insults at her and her back at him, but actually forming sentence's they could both logically reply to.

Severus knew MacDonald cared greatly about Lily, always had and probably always will. They were best friends after all. Severus knew that and it pained him to accept it. He was second to Mary, in some ways. They shared a relationship he could never have with Lily because of his character. Their relationship was… easier, healthier in ways he struggle to have because his character was so dynamic.

Severus relaxed his muscle, but did nothing to help his anger and magic that were sizzling around him. He could almost _hear_ the magic crackle around him now. He was not going to let this happen, he did not want to be second place in Lily's life. He wanted to be the closest thing to Lily, like in their younger days.

Severus locked eyes with MacDonald, a fierce streak in his eyes. Severus saw a tinge of fear in her eyes. He fought back a smirk. Even though he was young, his former Death Eater spirit still clung himself. He knew his stare was intimidating her, but he needed MacDonald to pay attention to what he had to say.

'MacDonald, I am aware that in the past you and I have had… disagreements. However, I would like us to put our disparities aside and be… acquaintances. In addition, to what I have to say about Lily being a Muggleborn is that, it does not affect me. Lily and I have been friends since we were very young and I would like to keep that going. I have changed my understanding of things, MacDonald, and I can assure you I will not be thinking of Muggleborns as any less than a Pureblood or I,' He said, with a normal voice. He had to try, try to prove himself to MacDonald so she would stop pestering Lily and himself.

Mary stared back, dumbfounded. Severus had never said those words to her but he could tell she wasn't buying all of it. He sighed in frustration, pinching between his eyes. _'This is impossible. If she is not going to believe the words that I say, what other options do I have?'_

'He's being honest, Mary. You didn't see him earlier today! He stood up to Malfoy!' Lily through into the silence, backing up Severus words with her own.

'You're willing to believe him? He only stood up to Malfoy _once_, Lily. If you ask me – that isn't much proof.' MacDonald replied to Lily, annoyance in her voice.

'Then,' Severus hissed between clenched teeth, no longer trying to control his anger. 'The only option you have left is to give me time to prove myself.' He took a step forward, trying to make it look a step of determination. However, all he managed was to intimidate MacDonald. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn't let his anger get the best of him. It was futile. Even though he looked composed on the outside - or so he thought -, there was a battle within himself that he had lost. His magic escaped his grasp, and his anger, with every word he heard MacDonald speak, had gone of the scale.

His magic zapped around him, angry, uncontrolled. _'Dammit!' _Severus hiss through clenched teeth quietly. He grabbed onto his chest once more, struggling to breath. '_How is this possible? This magic… it's just like…' _Severus coughed, squeezing his chest.

He looked up at MacDonald and froze.

_Fear. _There was fear in her eyes and she looked like a mouse under a cobra's deathly stare. Her eyes locked on him, but they were focusing on something beyond him.

Severus smirked. He was _almost _enjoying the fear swimming in her eyes. He lost control of his anger, and his magic was dancing circles around MacDonald, menacingly. He could feel it; it was like an extension of his limbs.

He wanted to laugh at MacDonald's facial expression. She looked so scared, as if she was looking at a ghost. His hand twitched around his wand, along with his smirk. He wanted nothing more than to remove her snappy little tongue, to make her never speak oh him again. He squeezed his wand, feeling the magic pounding around him.

'Sev, what's wrong?' Lily asked.

Severus kept his eyes on the MacDonald, focusing even harder. _'Do it,'_ his mind told him. _'Hex a little sense into her.' _He rubbed his thumb up and down his wand, feeling miniature electric jolts from his magic as he did so.

'Severus?' Lily said once more, taking a step towards him. Severus coughed, the tight feeling returning to his chest. 'Lily?' He replied with a dry throat. He shifted his gaze to her and as soon as he made eye contact, his wand fell to ground, clanking with the stone floor.

Lily took another step forward, hesitantly. She also looked like a mouse, trapped. The tight feeling in Severus chest was no longer from his magic, but from guilt. It was even more painful.

'_How could I think like that? How, how-' _H_e_ stopped thinking, knowing the answer already. He refused to admit it to himself. He looked away from Lily, clutching to his chest even harder.

It was only natural for a true Death Eater to want to cause pain to others.

He shut his eyes closed, squeezing them as hard as he could, as the painful truth hit him to the core. He squeezed his hands painfully hard, the pain keeping him from slipping into the dark abyss in his mind.

'Lily, we should get going.' He heard MacDonald speak with a slightly shake voice, adding alcohol to his wound. 'No,' Lily replied simply. 'Severus isn't done speaking.' His head shot back to Lily, eyes wide. There was admiration and belief in her eyes only she could hold for him. 'Come on, Sev, spit it out already.' said Lily. There was thick determination for him to do so in her words.

Severus smirked and looked at the ground, where his wand was laying. He looked up at Lily and slowly bent down to pick up his wand, never breaking eye contact. Once it was in his hand, he locked eyes with MacDonald and slowly rose up. When he stood tall, he slowly placed his wand back in his pocket and watched relief sink into MacDonald's features.

'I'm sorry,' he began, no longer hiding his emotions. His voice held all of them. His anger, frustration, and even the fear he felt in his heart. 'It wasn't my purpose to scare you, MacDonald. I- I lost my temper for something foolish. I will not let it happen again. I assure you.' He was not going to fight anymore, because he would always lose in the end. He would let Lily guide him, and his emotions speak for him. Fighting his anger would only lock it away, and it would eventually explode, causing pain to others and him.

'I know it is hard for you to believe I have changed. I have a hard time believing it myself, I admit.' His mouth was dry, and the words that were coming out of his mouth felt foreign. 'I don't longer see He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named beliefs about Purebloods as my own.'

'MacDonald, I ask of you, this one thing,' he said through a force voice, reluctant to be completely kind. 'Give me time.'

'See!' Lily yelled overly happy, smacking the back of her friends back. MacDonald coughed into her hand, as if she had been chocking on something or rather, been holding her breathe for too long. MacDonald took a couple a big breathes, and forced herself to look at Snape. 'What about what your so called _friends_ did to me? What do you have to say about that? How could you just stand there and… laugh?!' She spat back in anger, completely ignoring his words and Lily's excitement over them.

At those words, Severus didn't feel any emotion. He didn't get angry nor… anything. He just ran the words through his mind. It was true; he had stood there, and laughed at her to top it off. He watched as Mulciber placed and Unforgivable on her, and made her do shameful things. At one point, she began hitting herself in the face. He watched as she ran off, her eyes red and puffy, her lip swollen and bloody.

Severus looked up at MacDonald, Lily best friend, and saw her eyes shine with tears that refused to fall. What could he say to her? No apology could truly make up for what had happened that night. He looked at Lily, and found she would not meet his eyes. She looked at the ground with anger and pain in her eyes.

'I should have aided you at your time of need. It was wrong and unforgivable what had happened to you that night.' Severus' voice sounded defeated and tired. He did not want to keep this going. It was only making the hole in his heart bigger and it was filling with never ending guilt. 'Nevertheless, MacDonald, I will guarantee that that event will not repeat itself ever again.'

Severus watched as MacDonald ran a hand up her arm, comforting herself from the cold atmosphere that was surrounding her. His magic still clung in the air. She looked up at Severus to meet his eyes, the hairs on her arms standing up, screaming in disapproval of him. How could the boy standing in front of her, with such a vile personality be friends with Lily?

Severus watched as Lily looked at her friend, having a silent conversation between them that got under his skin. Lily sighed, rubbing MacDonald's back to soothe her tension. 'He means it, Mary. I'm sure he won't let those two brainless git do anything to you again,' Lily said, looking up at Severus with a confident smile. He nodded ones in agreement.

'Okay, fine, I forgive you. But that doesn't mean I trust you, or that I will ever be your friend,' MacDonald hissed, her anger returning.

Severus sighed. 'I don't intend to prove myself enough to you to be considered a "friend" in your books, MacDonald,' he replied, his voice sounding annoyed. 'All I ask of you, is for you to give me time.'

'Give him a chance, Mary,' Lily whispered, smiling at the both of them. Severus could see how happy Lily was, and it gave him relief.

MacDonald stayed silent, neither saying yes or no to Lily's request. Both Severus and Lily wished for a yes, but the silence was almost just as good. It meant she was not refusing entirely. Severus watched as Lily gave MacDonald one more encouraging rub on her back before she began walking towards himself.

Severus intense gaze followed Lily. She stood a few feet away from him and smiled. His eyes softened, and he smiled return. He had done something to make Lily proud. It was a relief. It felt like some of the weight on his shoulders was been lifted off. He watched as Lily hand lifted from her side and reached towards his face. He closed his eyes as her gentle fingers placed some of his hair behind his ear.

Her hand was warm and gentle, and it gave him hope. He knew he could change; all he needed was Lily to be by his side.

※

Lily, Mary and Severus all made their way to the library, as Lily thought it would be a great idea for all of them to study together for the exam. Severus had stayed silent at the idea, only disagreeing in his mind. Mary, on the other hand, did no such thing. She groaned loudly in protest to her idea. Lily, however, was refusing to take no for an answer so all three of them made their way to the Library. Lily was the only one who had a spring to her feet, while the other two seemed to be carrying weights.

※

Lily took out her book and placed it on the table, opened it. She began reading, and before either of them had gotten the chance to sit, her hand met her forehead with a semi-loud _slap_. 'Oh,' she began, looking at Mary with excitement, 'I figured out the spell we had troubles with yesterday, Mary!' Then she stopped her words and looked at Severus, 'well, actually, Severus explained it too me, but that's not the point. Here, I'll explain it to you.' Lily slid herself beside Mary and gave Severus a quick smile before she began explaining. Severus watched with amusement, as Lily echoed his words from their morning.

Severus turned his gaze over to the table, and began reading the Transfigurations book he already knew word by word. Like most books. Soon enough though, he grew bored of the repetitive material, as each chapter was a recycled version of the previous one. He thought that the concept of Transfigurations itself was actually quite simple to understand: Imagine it, feel it, do it. Even those who lacked brainpower should eventually be able to get it.

Now, understanding _how_ the magic workedwas the most fascinating part for him. He enjoyed it, more than casting the actual spells most of the time. If you understood how the spell worked and why it worked, could give you the ability to make other spells, or perfect old ones, making them easier to cast or making them more powerful. Either way, was a win.

However, that is where this type of magic faltered for him. It had limits. The human body could only take so much of transfiguration, and that goes for typical objects as well. The spell themselves could be made simpler and only a handful could be made stronger. The upsizing of an animal or objects had limits. Magic could only mend and twist them so far, for so long, before permanent damage happens. In other words, it was the same mediocre spell over and over again, that would range in power from item to item, but could only be extended to the items limit.

Severus pushed the book away from himself, placing it the middle of the table. He was tired of Transfigurations and its limited possibilities. He slowly pushed himself away from the table, not wanting to disturb Lily and MacDonald, although they seemed too involved in their spell casting to notice him at all. As he walked away, he couldn't help but smirk at Lily's "concentration" face. She would bring her eyebrows together and ever so slightly, her head would incline forward. However, the funny part of it was her eyes. She would open them more than normal, giving her a slightly crazy-person look.

Severus let a quiet laughter leave his mouth as he made his way deeper into the library. Before he knew it, his feet had brought him to his favourite section of the library: the Restricted Section.

Severus could not help it. He knew he should not be here, but in reality, nothing caught his interest more than what these morbid books had to offer. He sighed, whispering the enchantment that allowed him to pass the barrier into the Restricted Section. He stepped in, and right away, he felt the dark magic of the books consume him. Most people would feel uncomfortable, but he found the eerie atmosphere exciting and altogether calming.

He wiggled his fingers at his side, as he was trying to control the urge to grab a book. He should not be here, he should not be reading dark books anymore, and instead, he should be as far as possible from here. He knew it was true. Even though his hatred for Muggles was the foundation of his reason to becoming a Death Eater, the dark books were what kept building upon it, closing him in with darkness and closing out his feelings, the only thing that guided him to do the right thing. Eventually, his feelings had become unreachable. Through the year, the structure got stronger and almost unbreakable.

So he thought.

The day Lily's life was threatened, his structured collapsed. Every emotion came running in like a tsunami, destroying everything its path and leaving nothing but despair. It almost drowned him, consumed him, to the point where he felt dead.

He closed his eyes, and took deep breathes, calming his mind.

After several seconds, Severus opened his eyes, and lifted his hand slowly and ran a single finger through the spine of the books, horizontally. Not even Lily's endless love and care could manage to diminish this dark part of him entirely. It was who he was: a morbid freak, with little to no heart for the wellbeing of others: a killer.

No matter what, it was who he was and trying to stop that part of himself was like trying to live without breathing - impossible. Therefore, his craving for the Dark Arts signified his lungs. Reading and practicing them represented the sweet air that kept him alive.

It was not just _him_ that craved the Dark Art but his actual magic. It was powerful in general but there was no doubt, it was more powerful with the Dark Arts. His magic had always crackled around him with something _special_, something sinister. It had always been like that, as far as he could remember. His thoughts, his magic, and _he _had and always – even though he wishes it were not so – will have a hunger to cause pain.

Severus let out a growl of frustration, letting his anger and magic loose, making the air around him cold and heavy. Why, why was he like this? Why was every fibre of his being so cruel? He looked as his hands with eyes filled with the rawest hatred.

He was despicable.

How many? How many times did he let a sick smile appear on his face as he let the Cruciatus Curse leave his wand? How many had he tortured to insanity? How many had he poisoned? How many innocent lives had he taken? How many children had no father or mother because of him? How many people did he look in the eye, as he whispered the two unforgivable words? How, _how_ many?

How much blood did he have at hands?

Anger rushed through him once more, sending scorching lava through his veins. The shadows around him darken, becoming black holes; sucking in the harmless light around him.

He gripped the bookshelf in front of him with both hands, trying to find support for his sudden dizziness. His head felt fuzzy, and his eyesight was blurry. His body felt heavy, as if his bones had become lead. Cold sweat appeared on the back of his neck, as if he was having the effects of a nasty flu. Was this a side effect of his magic? If so, he had to calm down. He had to clear his mind. He had to gain control.

He had to think of _her_: Lily.

The simple thought of her smile made his dark thoughts evaporate, like morning frost on a sunny day. He pushed himself of the bookshelf, and thought, _'If it weren't for you, Lily, I would be no better than the Dark Lord.' _Taking a painful breathe in, loosening his grip, he attempted to tame the awful, out of control magic. Since when did he struggle so much? It was like being a little boy again, making things happen without meaning too.

All of the sudden, it clicked in and his head shot up like a bullet, in realization.

'_The magic I have now is from my past life! It's too powerful for someone my age!' _His eyes opened wide, so wide, one might think they would roll out of their sockets.

He ran a shaky hand through his hair, fretting over his new problem, adding one more to the never-ending list problems. Of course, as he grew up, the magic and his body became accustomed to one another, complementing one another; making each other balance. Now though, back in time, with the magic from his previous life, was proving to be too much to handle for his younger, untrained body. Especially since his magic had always been unnaturally powerful. Now though, it was not just _unnaturally_ powerful, it was extraordinarily powerful and… dark. The magic from his previous life, although very dark, was nothing, _nothing, _to what it is now. Like an elephant to a mouse if compered.

Why though, why was it that he was struggling now? Was this just the beginning? Was it just going to keep getting worse, get more out of control, especially when his emotions weren't intact? His consequences could be disastrous.

'However,' Severus whispered.

With time, he would learn to control it; he could even take his power, mind, and body further than before. Having the knowledge and experience of his formal self would make his new task manageable, if he was smart. If he did not let anger, and the thirst for power consume his mind and heart, then he could do great things. Severus looked at his hands – slightly shaky from the adrenaline that pounded in his veins.

There it was, heavily surrounding him, consuming his senses to oblivion with its power. It ran through his veins like acid: powerful and deadly. The simplest of spells would come with ease now, and the hardest of spells would come as minor challenges.

He laughed.

It was simple; learn to control it.

※

'Sev?' The voice ran like a metal pin being drop in a steel room, with hollow walls.

'Lily!' He coughed, surprised at the unexpected company. How long had it been? How long has he been standing around? Too long, it seemed. _'Shit! I let the time slip through my hands,' _Severus thought, shifting his eyes to the source of the voice. 'Forgive me,' he whispered, as his black eyes found hers. 'Time slipped my mind.'

There was something odd in her eyes; they were big, and held an ocean of emotions. She did not look away; she stared, as if she was waiting for something to happen. A minute or two passed, and she looked away.

'It's all right. There is still quite a bit of time until the exam. I just wanted to come get you,' Lily said, in an unusually low voice. 'I worry when you spend too much time here and I know it bothers you when I come, but I can't help.' She shifted her eyes nervously around her surroundings, as if she was waiting for one of the books to jump of its shelf and attack her.

Severus ran his eyes over her face, examining. 'Are you all right, Lily?' He asked, the words flowing out smoothly. A few seconds passed, and then eye contact finally took place. He looked into her green ones, and found some silent plea in her eyes. What was that? It was not as if he was doing something wrong. Yes, he was in the Restricted Section but he never did as so much as touch the books (not that she knew, but irrelevant). Yes, he supposed his former self would have gotten mad at her appearance to come get him, but did he now? No. He was even being polite, asking her is she was all right. So why, he questioned, was she acting so strange? Apart from the obvious reason, that she was one of those to feel uncomfortable in heavy atmosphere of the Restricted Section.

'Yes, I'm fine. I just hate this place. It gives me the creeps,' she replied, giving him an innocent smile. 'Can we go now?'

'Hmm,' Severus' replied. Was there a polite way of asking, why she was lying? He wondered. Shifting his eyes forward, he stared at the books in front of him.

A warm and soft hand gently slid into his cold, hard one. For some reason, he was not surprised. He should be, but he was not. Still, that did not change the fact that it made his heart sing with joy.

'Fine,' she began, 'if you really want me to say it – even though you might get mad; it's that I don't just hate _this _place but what it does to you. Every time I come and get you, you seem out of place. Like you are in a trance, and I am not able to reach you. So it scares me.' Lily squeezed his hand, and began pulling him towards the exit. 'There, you happy now?'

'Very.' A simple word, that for him, really did express how he felt. 'I am not mad, Lily. I'm glad.' Perhaps apologizing for his past mistakes was not the proper approach this time (it was getting old anyways). Expressing his feelings to her kindness was the right thing to do.

This was a new beginning.

Squeezing her hand gently, he pulled in front of her and guided them towards the exit. 'Let's go.'

※**-※-※**

As Lily wrapped up her lesson with Mary, she looked at the Great Grandfather clock. It was forty minutes until their exam. '_Where's Sev?' _She thought, looking around the room from where she sat. '_It has been over an hour, and he is still not back.'_

'It's quite obvious where you'll find him,' Mary said, watching her friend and knowing exactly who she was looking for. Lily laughed, sadly, because it was obvious. 'Where does one find Snape in this immense library?' Mary said in an overly mystified voice as she placed a finger on her temple. Her lips opened, shaping an 'O' and then she said, 'May I suggest the _Restricted Section_,' Mary crossed her arms, looking at Lily with a disapproving eye. Lily ignored her and slowly stood from her comfortable chair.

She froze mid-way.

A cold breeze had gone by, sending chills up and down the two girl's spines. 'W-why did it get so c-cold?' Mary gasped, crossing her arms to hug herself. 'You felt it too?' Lily asked, already knowing the answer. What was that? Whatever it was, it was hanging in the air, making her skin crawl with life. 'Are you kidding me? Look around you! Where not the only ones' with stupid looks on our faces,' Mary began, rubbing her arms up and down viciously. 'It's almost hard to… breathe,' Lily whispered.

'It's like…' Mary whispered, never finishing her sentence. Mary grabbed her bag and stood up. 'I'll see you later, Lil. This place is giving me the creeps. You should probably go find Snape, seems like he forgot about the exam,' she said, giving her a half a smile that did not quite reach her eyes, at all.

'Yeah, you're probably right.' Lily grabbed her book and placed it in her bag. She watched as Mary walked away. Once Mary turned the corner, Lily hugged herself. _'Sev, you idiot, we have an exam to go too!' _

Now that she took a second to think. For Severus to not study beforehand for an exam - even if it was Transfigurations - was strange…

She began walking towards the Restricted Section. She hated going there, and she often had to, to find Severus. She sighed in disappointment, and wrapped her arms around herself. Was it getting colder?

She looked around; making sure no one was watching her as she whispered the incantation Severus had told her to get into the Restricted Section. She hated how he knew how to get to the vile section of the library. It was Malfoy's fault; he was the one who told him how to get in. She hugged herself tighter, ignoring the intense goose pumps that were all over her body. 'This is not n-normal,' she stuttered.

She stopped walking.

A deep laugh stopped her feet. It travelled in the cold air like a gush of wind, sending more chills up her spine. She hugged herself even tighter. The laugh sounded so empty, so…cold. She felt the air in her lungs leave, as if someone through her an '_Alarte Ascendare'_ spell right at her chest.

Lily's eyes widen; she recognized it now, where the coldness was coming from.

It was Severus.

She should have known it was Severus. His magic was always whacky, especially when his emotions where out of control. Even when they were little kids, Severus magic hung in the air, softly crackling around them, harmlessly. That was in the past though, when your magic would slip because you had no control over it. Even so, when his magic did get out of control, it was nothing like this. Lily's eye scanned her surroundings, nervously. Was it really Severus or was she just imagining things?

After Severus had snapped the branch over Petunia's head, causing her harm and Lily to avoid him for days, had forced him to take control of his magic. Now though, it was sending waves of energy.

'_The bricks and the window, was this the cause of it? Did he always have this magic? Had he been holding back all these years? If so, what was causing it to go haywire now? No, this magic can't be Sev's?' _She shook her head side to side in denial. '_Sev's magic was _strong_ but it wasn't… this; whatever this was._'Something about the way his magic clung to the air so viciously made her scared, almost making her instinct yell 'run'.

The magic that hung in the air with such viciousness, that it made it hard to breath, and the temperature drop was… dark. It was dark magic, the darkest magic she had ever felt.

Lily thought how it was different from what would happen to a wizard who performed dark magic. When a wizard performed a dark spell, the magic hung in the air. It left a foul taste in the air, and just being present during the incantation felt _wrong_, as if it was rotting your insides.

This, however, was different. There had not been any Dark Magic performed. It was as if the magic _itself _was dark, and only years of practicing the Dark Arts - foulest of spells could mend and change the nature of a person magic.

Lily shook her head, shaking her thoughts in her head, '_Severus might know a lot of Dark Magic but I know he does not practice them… not anything entirely dark, at least.'_ The air in her lungs tightened again, and it was not because of Severus' magic anymore.

She squeezed her shirt, right above her heart. It was aching in denial. '_Don't be silly, Lily,'_ she told herself, smiling. _'Severus isn't like that.'_

After a few seconds of gathering herself together, Lily walked to the bookshelf, and stood beside it. She leaned against it on her side for a few seconds, and then she curled her fingers around the edge of the shelf, and whispered, 'Sev?' Why was she hiding? It was just Severus, after all.

Lily froze.

Never in her life had her emotions betrayed her or gone haywire like they did when she met Severus' eyes. She felt trapped - a mouse in the eyes of a hungry snake. His eyes held something horrible, and she never wanted to look into them again, because she found no warmth to get lost in anymore. They were cold and hard, like black holes that were sucking her in. Her heart cringed. The darkness in his eyes was playing a melody in her heart that was driving it mad with grief.

As seconds passed by, those eyes were changing in front of her. She witnessed the shadows retreat, slowly replacing with the warmth she was so familiar with. She continued looking into his eyes and witnessed the last bit of darkness shy away, running to hide somewhere in her dear friend's heart, to coexist. His eyes no longer held darkness them, but pure warmth and love towards her.

※**-※-※**

The exam, for Severus, was a breeze. He did not bother to hide his brilliant knowledge, thus finishing the exam far earlier than anyone in the class. _'I have always been smart and talented. No reason to hold-back on this, to shadow my identity,' _he thought, as he wrote his name of the exam. He looked up. The hourglass had thirty minutes left to go before he was be allow to leave from class. There was an hour limit on each exam, because some fools would otherwise write their names down and walk out. _'Idiots,' _Severus said in his head. School should be a privilege for those who are willing to learn only. The rest can just start picking up garbage right away, saving teachers and smart kids the trouble.

Severus leaned back in his chair, and shifted his head to the side, looking at where the windows were. He watched as Lily elegantly wrote her exam, with smooth strokes, opposite to his. A smile appeared on his face, as he watched her face. If it were not for all the students around him, he would most likely be laughing at her expression.

_Splat!_

Severus heard the sound of an inkbottle falling from the desk to the floor, leaving a mess. He looked up from the mess, to the desk and found a red-faced James Potter. Potter was looking at him with so much hatred; Severus thought his glasses would melt.

Severus returned his gaze back to Lily, bored of Potter. She focused so hard on her exam; he thought she might have not even notice Potter's blunder. He smiled. Lily was everything he wanted. Kind, smart, and beau-

_Crash_!

'_What now?' _Severus looked back to Potter's seat. What he found made his eyebrows rise.

Potter was standing, red faced and angry. His chair was behind him, lying on its side on the floor, (probably from carelessly standing up). Severus looked at Potter's face and wished Mdm. Poppins had never returned his hair. Because then, the situation would have been that much funnier.

Severus coughed, looking away, trying to cover his laughter.

'Mr. Potter, is there a reason to disrupt the class like this?' Asked Ms. McGonagall, as she used magic to clean up the mess and sit Potter back in his seat. 'Umph,' said Potter, from the roughness of the magic that put him back in his sit. 'Well?' Ms. McGonagall said, her lips a thin line.

'No, Ms. McGonagall,' Potter replied, 'I'm sorry, the stress of the exams seems to be getting to me.'

'_Lies,' _Severus mentally hissed, glaring at Potter, but then he thought, _'who cares?' _It wasn't his problem nor did he really care. He looked up the sand clock. The time was up and been allowed to leave, he stood up and headed for the door.

'And where do you think you are heading, Mr. Snape?' asked Ms. McGonagall, as Severus stood a few feet away from the door. He turned on his heel, and looked at his teacher – feeling odd, due to the fact that she was a former colleague and now he was facing her as a student. She had her arms at her hips, her lips thin, and her eyebrows brought together. Clearly, she was frustrated and had had a long day. Potter, who was right behind her, had a smirk on his lips.

Severus pointed at the sand clock, slightly frustrated and said,' the time is up Ms. McGonagall. Am I not allowed to be dismissed?'

'Oh, forgive me. Yes, yes, you are allowed,' Ms. McGonagall apologized, as she looked at the sand clock. 'Class, for those who are done, you may be dismissed now!' Ms. McGonagall walked up to her desk, and sat down. 'I apologize again, Mr. Snape. It has been a long day.'

'It is all right. I understand,' he replied, and walked out the door. What else could he say? In reality, if he were his former self, he would probably reply with a snide. He smirked, _of course_ he would.

Severus made his way to his Common Room, eavesdropping on some Slytherin's conversation for the password, on the way there. All he wanted was to get there, uninterrupted by anyone - except Lily, of course. He walked down the stairs, and whispered, 'Purus._'_ He walked in, and avoided the Slytherins that watched him as he headed down the stairs, to his room. He reached the room, opened the door, walked in and to his relief, found the room to be vacant.

It was time to pack up his belongings, as they would be leaving tomorrow afternoon. Walking towards his trunk, and opened it. He laughed; of course, his trunk would be more than half-full with books than clothes. He slowly grabbed his second-hand clothes his Mother and Father had bought him (some being from his Father himself). Disgusted from the thought, Severus dropped it to the ground.

Severus grabbed his wand from his pocket, and pointed at the shirts. He paused, watching the wand in his hand. It was a simple spell to repair his clothes, nothing big. With that in his mind, he mentally did the spell with a swish of his wand. To his great satisfaction, the clothes turned out looking like brand new. His black and worn out shirts were hole-free and were pitch black, just how they must have been to the owner who first bought them. His shoes, brand new as well. His jeans, also hole-free. He was quite satisfied with his outcomes.

Severus held his wand between his two hands, letting it slid down one hand to catch it with other. It felt good. The magic that flowed through it was powerful, and it was youthful, yet to experience some if his most powerful spells. A smile appeared on his lips, as dark thoughts shifted through his mind.

'Thinking of more dark spells, are we, Snape?' suddenly came Avery's voice. Severus, within less than a millisecond, had his wand pointing at him, startled by his sudden appearance. 'Wow, put it down! I didn't mean to scare you!' Avery said, putting his hands in the air, showing defeat. Severus lowered his wand, slowly, but did not put it in his pocket.

'You would be wise to not do so,' Severus began warning him, 'or you might be first candidate for my new spells.' Severus laughed, returning to his trunk. He began going through his books, reading their titles, to see if he should keep some of them or donate some to the library.

'Don't need to act like the world's biggest git,' retorted Avery, who too, was now looking through his own trunk. Avery stood up, grabbed his wand and used magic to put his things neatly away in his trunk. With a click of the trunk, he said, 'there.' He then walked over to Severus, and sat on his bed, crossed legged. 'So,' he began, 'are you going over to Mulciber's this summer?'

'No.' Severus was bothered enough that he had to be in the same room as Avery, but having him on his bed was really pushing his temper. Why could he not just jump of the Astronomy Tower or something?

'No?' Avery repeated, looking surprised.

'Are you deft? I said no. I will not be going,' Severus hissed, really annoyed now. He stood up, waved his wand and everything flew into his trunk. The trunk shut with a very loud '_click'_ and when it closed, it shook twice, from side to side.

'Calm down. I was only asking,' replied Avery, his eyes lingering on the trunk. 'What's with you lately anyways? You've been acting strange. I mean, both Mulciber and I know you are completely mental at times, but you've been avoiding us, and what was that last night? When did you start caring about what Mulciber said about Evans? We both know he's a complete brainless git. Besides, you have said it yourself. Evan's just a Mudblood who's got a nice body.'

'Shut up!' Severus spat, letting his anger finally out - it felt good. 'I told you, no, I _warned _you to never call her that again, didn't it?' The magic that he had been controlling finally poured out of him a like a broken dam.

The room got cold, and the warm, lighted candles went out with a blow. Oh, Severus felt _very_ good to let his magic out. Like having an itch, you can finally scratch. His magic was crawling around his surroundings, trying to cover as much area as possible. It was like having millions of little, pitch-black hands crawling out from under his feet, ready to do as his master pleased.

Severus watched as the colour on Avery's face wash away, making him white as a bed sheet. He walked up to him, standing a few feet away, 'You look a little pale, _Avery_,' spitting his last name in his face with disgust. 'Is something wrong?'

'I-is this you?' Avery stuttered with stupid look on his face, quickly shifting his eyes to the door.

'Care to clarify your question?' Severus asked, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it anyways. He let his magic surround Avery's body gently, but with a deadly presence.

'Is this y-y-'Avery began, but was cut off as the magic tighten itself around him.

'Y-y-_your_?' Severus mocked, lifting his wand to his side. He watched with great joy how fear took place in Avery's, making them wider with every inch his wand elevated. He waves his wand, - ignoring Avery's intake of a sharp breath – and light up all the candles. Severus smirked, overly amused. He might hate Avery, and he might want to throw one or two hexes right between his eyes, but he knew better, and doing that would be a mistake. However, planting a little fear in him would be harmless and would minimize future questioning from him.

'Relax, you stuttering git' Severus said, walking towards to the door. He stood underneath the doorframe and turned around to find Avery looking at him, from his bed, unmoved. 'I will not warn you a third time, Avery. Let that be clear to Mulciber as well.' With that, he walked away, down the hallway, to find the only person that would bring him peace.

※

Severus made his way down to the Great Hall, as it was dinnertime at Hogwarts. He knew on his way there he would run into Lily, instead of bothering to wait outside the Fat Lady's portrait, he would wait for her at the entrance of the Great Hall.

He leant against the stonewall, and ran a hand through his hair. He was exhausted from his long day, and couldn't wait for a goodnight sleep. He watched as students went out of their classrooms, and pour into the hallways, one by one, filling it up. He watched, surfing his eyes over the crowed, hoping to find the red hair that stood out like the sun. Time ticked by, and the halls began to empty, as most student were now in the Great Hall, eating. Where was Lily?

Severus began tapping his arm, impatiently. He was hungry, and he didn't want to wait any longer. His concern was quieting his hunger though. _'What is keeping you, Lily?' _he thought, as he now found himself in an almost empty hall, expect for a few first years that were walking by, staring at him. Severus gave them one good scowl and they scurried there little legs into the Great Hall.

'She's in the Owlery, if you're looking for her.'

Severus turned around, and found MacDonald looking at him with her arms crossed. 'She said, "Tell Sev that I'm in the Owlery if he's looking for me. I should be down to the Great Hall late, so tell him he doesn't have to wait for me to eat." There, my jobs done, I'll be going now.' MacDonald walked into the Great Hall, not bothering to spare Severus another word.

Severus debated if he should go look for Lily or not. In the end, he decided he would collect food, as Lily had at lunch, for them to eat when she got back. That way, it saved him the long journey up to the Owlery and they could eat together as well.

Severus walked into the Great Hall, rather happy, as nobody turned to look at him because everyone seemed too busy stuffing his or her own face full of food. He walked up to his table, and grabbed two plates and began putting Lily's favourites in one and his in the other. He wished he could grab some pastries, but as dinner wasn't yet cleared, he couldn't.

He took out his wand, and transformed the plates into small containers. He then secured them, shrunk them and stuffed them into his pocket. In a good mood, his magic was rather easy to control. Severus then headed out the door, and returned to his waiting spot.

After a few _long _minutes of waiting, Severus was annoyed. Kids were now leaving the Great Hall, and heading to their own Common Rooms. He sighed, frustrated. Guess he had no choice but to go look for her.

He shrugged and reluctantly began walking to the Owlery.

When Severus finally arrived at the door of the Owlery, he took a breath of warm air, exhausted form the journey up the stairs. Maybe that was an upside to being a Death Eater: Flying. Of course, he was able to do it now, but there were too many witnesses around. If someone saw him, he or she would surely scream bloody murder (literally), at one of the Death Eater signature spells.

'Umph!' The noise came from someone who had knocked into Severus, almost pushing him down the stairs. 'Watch where you're going, you utter foo-' He began, but was cut off as he looked down and met pair of green eyes.

'You're the _fool_,' Lily began, puffing angrily, 'standing in such a place. It's like asking to be knocked down the stairs!' She put an accusing finger on his chest, trying to prove her point by slightly pushing him backwards, towards the edge of the stairs. It was futile. She was too worried he might actually fall to push him jokingly with her finger. Severus looked down at the angry witch in front of him, and let a soft laugh escape his lips. He was unable to take her seriously; her anger was so innocent.

'Hmmp!' was her response, as she crossed her arms and gave him a scowl.

※

'Who were you Owling, Lily?' Severus asked, looking down at her from the corner of his eye. He had a pretty good idea of what her letter had said, and he was dreading the fact that he might be right.

'Mum.' she began, looking up at him, 'about you staying at our house. The reply should be here tomorrow in the morning, if the owl does not get lost. There really wasn't many good one's left, since there all taken because everyone mails their parents at this time of year.'

Severus closed his eyes, and sighed. He really did not want to be a nuisance to the Evans nor did he in particularly feel like dealing with Lily's father. He had made a promise though, and he intended on keeping it. Chances were though, they would say no so that gave him a slight peace of mind.

'I knew you would act like this,' she huffed, pouting her lips in annoyance. 'Stop fretting over it. Mum will be glad to have you stay. If she says she wants you to stay, then you and the rest of my family have little room to deny her. She's the boss at home. Dad is strict, but he definitely isn't the one with the pants.' Lily laughed at her own joke. 'So really, _don't worry about it.' _

Severus said nothing, as he took a seat under a tree. Finally, they had made it all the way back down the stairs, to the Court Yard to have their dinner. The tree Severus sat under was one of the many trees in the Court Yard, but students tended to stay away from it, as it was a rather depressing looking tree. It had little to almost no leaves on it, and the bark was darker than usual, almost black. The sun never shone on it, so the tree was basically dead. Severus did not mind though, instead, he actually enjoyed it, for the obvious reason that people tended to stay away from it. Lily felt the same way. The only time they didn't sit under the tree was in winter, when it was it too cold. However, in the summer and spring, it provided just the right amount of coolness.

'Mmm,' Lily sighed, leaning against the tree. 'It's nice and cool.'

Severus searched his pocket, and took out their dinner. He took out his wand, waved it. The containers grew, but he decided against transforming them back into plates. The containers were much more convenient at the moment. 'Here,' he said, avoiding a conversation he didn't want to discuss again. 'It's your dinner.'

'Oh! Thank you! I'm starving.' She eagerly took the container from his hand, and smiled. 'Clever. You put the utensils in here as well. I wouldn't have thought of that,' Lily said, picking up her fork to eat.

They ate in silence, enjoying their company and the nice weather. Severus leaned against the tree, closing his eyes for a few seconds before he began eating. When they both finished, Lily vanished the containers and sat in front of Severus crossed legged. Severus raised an eyebrow, and waited for her to speak. She had something to say, that is for sure.

'What happened today, Sev?' Lily asked, small creases appearing between her eyes.

'My magic slipped, that's all, Lily.' He replied, knowing exactly that she was talking about the event at lunchtime. 'I haven't been feeling well lately and it must be affecting my magic as well.'

'Don't lie to me Severus Snape. The lunch incident might have been a slip but what was happened between you and Mary was anything but,' Lily said, scowling at him. 'What's happening to your magic, Sev?' Severus could hear the worry in her voice.

'Lily, I don't know. I do not fully understand what is happening to my magic myself so I cannot answer your questions.' He replied, half been truthful. He had a good hunch to what was happening to his magic, but for all he knew, he could be wrong.

'Sev, have you…' She began but stopped. She looked at her hands, playing with her thumbs nervously.

'Been practicing Dark Magic?' Severus finished for her. Lily's head shot up like a bullet, her eyes wide with guilt for accusing him and scared for his reply. Severus looked at her face and it pained him to do so. She was _pleading _him with her eyes to say the words she wanted to hear. Severus leaned forward, his head falling down, unable to meet with her eyes.

'Lily, you know I practice Dark Magic. You don't need me to tell you that.' He said slowly, opening a delicate conversation. He would say words she would not be happy to hear nor be utterly disappointed to hear. He had to find a balance. It would be impossible to change everything about him; something's were already set in stone. However, he was not completely hopeless and he wanted to believe that with all his heart. He _had _change the person he was, he knew that much, but he did not have to change everything thing about himself to do so. Only the worst parts had to be changed.

'I had promised you though, that I would change and I will. I promise you I will not follow the Death Eater path, I will not let my mind and heart be consumed by resent and hatred. I want to become a better man, Lily and only you can help achieve that. I cannot do this on my own. I need you to be there for me.' He paused. 'I am afraid of what will become of me if you are not, Lily.'

Severus closed his eyes, and tensed his muscles. What he had said was all-true; he was terrified. He never wanted to go back to his old life and his old ways. He did not want to live a life a spy, be a mindless murderer, and have a life where he could no longer hold Lily in his arms. He was scared to be capture by the bittersweet hands of hatred once more. 'I am terrified.'

Warm arms wrapped around his torso, comforting him. He welcomed Lily's hug and returned it gently. 'I'm terrified of losing you, or hurting you, Lily.' He squeezed her into his body. She felt so fragile in his arms, yet so powerful. The only being that was capable of recuing him and destroying him all at once.

'Stop it or you'll make me cry,' Lily whispered into his chest. Severus smiled, and began to softly run a hand over Lily's head. 'You know I don't want to leave your side. I will always be there for you, until you don't want me to. Even then, I will probably somehow manage to be part of your life, one-way or another.'

Severus laughed, the irony in her words hitting a sensitive spot. 'I know.'

After a few minutes of silence, Lily whispered, 'you can continue. I know there is a catch. I heard it in your voice.'

Severus looked down at her. _'How are you capable of doing that, Lily? You're able to see right through someone who's lied to the Dark Lord for years?'_ He thought, laughing in his mind. He enjoyed a few more seconds of his inner joke before he began, 'I don't want you to be disappointed, Lily. I do not want you to believe in me blindly.' He felt Lily tense in his arms, 'I won't stop practicing Dark Magic,' he said quietly. He already knew too much Dark Magic to stop. It was a part of him and he was not going to get rid of it, even if he tried, he knew he would be unsuccessful. It was engrave into every nerve of his body and soul. Inseparable.

'Why? Why do you rely on it so much? Why can't you see your powerful enough on your own!?' Lily loudly said into his chest, squeezing him tighter, and avoiding meeting his eyes.

'It's who I am. You and I both know that. I do not rely on Dark Magic. I find comfort in it. I know it is wrong, and I know it scares you, Lily, but I can't stop something that is a part of me.'

'I hate it. I hate how thickheaded you are, how stupid you can be, how Dark Magic exist, and how helpless you are to even fight it! I hate it, Severus.' Lily almost yelled, pushing himself of Severus.

Severus captured her in his arms, refusing to let her go just yet. 'Stop, Lily. Please listen to what I have to say.'

'Why? I do not want to hear this. I do not want to hear how much you like Dark Magic.' She replied, but ceased to struggle in his arms. 'I don't want to.'

'You know it's not like that. You know I do not go around hexing innocent people for enjoyment.' There was stomach acid rising into his mouth from guilt. 'I would never use Dark Magic to hurt someone,' he continued, forcefully. 'The Dark Arts are not bad, Lily. The way people used the Dark Arts to hurt others has given it that reputation. Besides, how do you fight against the Dark Arts if you don't know anything about it?'

Lily remained silent in his arms, only listening. Severus placed a hand on her head and continued, 'it's how a wizard uses magic that makes them who they are. Many admire Dumbledore because he chooses to fight Dark Wizards and not just because of his great power. If Dumbledore chose to, he could cause great havoc without the use of Dark Magic in the Wizarding World.'

Severus stopped stroking Lily's soft hair, and pulled her towards his body. 'Something's happening to my magic, and I don't know what is causing it entirely. I will never follow anyone who believes Muggleborns and humans are below them or anyone who is blood prejudice. I will never use my magic on the weaker, and I will never use it to bring pain. I won't let Dark Magic consume me, and I will never use it for the wrong reason. I will never become a Dark Wizard, Lily.'

He squeezed Lily into his chest, his eyes struggling to fight tears. He felt like crying, and he was not completely sure why. All he knew was that he never wanted to lose Lily or become a Dark Wizard. He knew he was not strong enough to do this on his own. He needed Lily to be there, supporting and believing in him. She was everything that made him human, and if she was not there, he could not help but fall into darkness - his other safe zone. 'Don't let me,' he whispered pleadingly, clutching onto her for dear life.

**Authors Note**

Hello fellow fanfictians. It has been a terribly long time, hasn't it? I'm very sorry. In all honesty, I felt like abandoning the story. I had this chapter done a while ago, but every time a read it, I started to hate it more and more. Eventually, it got to the point where I hated my writing entirely. I just never wanted to write again, because I thought I was horrible at it. I felt so depressed… I felt I had a great story to tell but not the materials or abilities to express it. I'm so sorry.

I few days ago though, I began to ponder about my writing. That's when the obvious realization hit me. 'How will I ever get better if I don't practice?' So, from then on I began reading, writing little poems and checking different fanfiction stories for inspiration. It helped a lot and eventually, I started writing again. I hope I never fall into that black hole again, it was sad.

Anyways, back to the story. Because it had been such a long time since I pulled out this story, my writing was different and my understanding of the character changed. I lost my grasp on them and I forgot where I was taking the story. Therefore, the characters might be a little out of character from what they were at beginning, my writing style might have changed, and then ending might change. I really don't know guys. I hope you're okay with that. I also added a twist, some of you may not like it but I do. I like stuff like this. Typical girl who want a boyfriend who's power hungry or out control to date. HAHA. I'm a loser.

In the end, I hope this chapter is not too disappointing and I know there are plot holes. I know it may not make complete sense and I know you may not like the twist. I just hope you support me, and help through my little struggle. Just be honest, that's all I need. Help me remember how my characters acted, and what you liked about them, and how they have changed. Otherwise, I can't do anything to help you enjoy this story or improve my writing.

Oh, I re-read this twice. I hope I got most of the spelling mistakes. Towards the end, I got super tired and stopped checking thoroughly like in the beginning. It's two in the morning. I'm basically dead and at my last drop of imagination, hahaha.

ANYWAYS, I hope you enjoyed the story! Give me a little review. It won't hurt (;


	5. The Journey Home

**Chapter Five**

* * *

******※ **The Journey Home **※**

* * *

'Good morning,' said a cheerful red headed girl.

Severus tilted his head upwards on an angle to look at Lily. 'Good morning to you as well,' he replied.

Lily took a seat next to Severus and began filling her plate with food. It was morning time and breakfast sat on the table, warm and delicious looking. Every plate filled with all sorts of foods, making a wonderful, potent smell drift through the hallways, calling all the students to the table.

The Great Hall was magical. Not _just _magical for the obvious reason, but rather, magical because of the atmosphere it had. The Great Hall had a power none of the teachers had.

It could bring all the Houses together, in a complementary silence. The fact that most of the students tended to keep to their own Houses –– only a handful enjoying the company of other Houses –– didn't change the fact that they all came together to enjoy a warm meal, and share each other's company, even if it was somewhat reluctantly. _That _was the magic the Great Hall possessed. It was something that stood on its own –– powerful and unchanged by time.

'I can't believe it's over already. It went by so fast…' Lily said quietly under her breath. Severus looked over at her and noticed something _very_ odd.

Lily was moving her barely-touched-scrambles-eggs side to side on her plate, making a slight screeching sound with her metal fork.

'Are you not hungry today?' Severus asked, ignoring her previous statement. It was somewhat ironic, really; sense it was usually Lily questioning him about his eating habit and not the other way around.

'No, not really,' Lily replied, sounding feeble. Lily's back was slightly hunched, as if she was bearing something on her shoulders that unsettle her features –– that unsettled her. She seemed to be disconnected from her surroundings and deep in thought. She was looking right at her plate, focusing hard on it, as if the answer was going to appear from underneath her scramble eggs, if she shifted them around enough.

'Is there something you wish to talk about, Lily?' Severus asked, giving her his un-divided attention. He had his torso facing her and his eyes were locked on the side of her face, since she was refusing to make eyes contact. He steadied her features, analysing everything he knew about her from his memories, so he could figure out whatever was bothering her without being too nosy.

'Oh! No, no. It's nothing like that, Sev,' Lily said, turning to face him with wide eyes. 'Every year I get like this. I don't really like going home. I mean, I love seeing my parents and all but… Petunia seems to hate me more and more every time I return home and somehow, it feels like this summer is going to be the worst.' Lily huffed, pouting her lower lip. 'My sister means the world to me and she always will, but…'

'Lily, you're worrying about something that hasn't happen yet,' Severus said. He knew he wasn't the best for… family advice, (since he never had any proper teaching himself,) but he could be helpful –– to a certain level.

'I know. You are right. I shouldn't think like this. Maybe, this summer it'll be different!' Lily said, coming out of her gloomy sate. A smile that wasn't completely genuine brushed her lips.

If it had been anyone else, other than Severus, that smile could have fooled almost anyone. But, he knew her; her quirks and insecurities. He might not know _everything _that crosses her mind, but because of who he was, or because of who he _had _been, made him an expert on reading people. And, because it was Lily,–– someone he would pay more attention to than anyone –– he knew her more than he led on.

'That's better,' Severus replied, returning her a smile. Maybe she wasn't completely happy, but the fact that she was partially happy, was good enough for him. It meant that she a little hope –– a little hope in expecting something different from her sister this summer.

Without any more words to exchange between them, he turned his body back to his food and began eating once more. The eggs and bacon were now cold, but he reluctantly powered through it bite by bite. He _had_ to eat. He had to make _sure_ his body was in healthier conditions, had to make sure that it could meet with newfound magic's power. It was mandatory. No question about it. It was essential that his body got stronger and healthier. Otherwise, the ill feeling that he got from his magic would continue to pursue him, making him weak.

Weak.

And that wasn't allowed.

'I don't think I've ever seen you eat so much, Sev,' Lily stated, her eyebrows raised. 'Are_ you _feeling alright?_' _She asked with a playful smile on her lips.

_Was he?_

**※**

'How can you be so positive that your Mother said yes, Lily?' Severus asked her. There were wrinkles of worry between his eyebrows as he steadied Lily with his jet-black eyes. It just wasn't that _simple. _For her mother to say yes to something like this. The thought of it made Severus witty brain halter to a stop.

'Because, Severus, I am,' Lily said with such confidence in her voice that it made Severus shake his head in disbelief. There was just _no _possibility of her mother saying yes. It was stupid, irrational, and just… unbelievable. However, the reassuring smile Lily kept giving him; the one that silently told him "_don't worry about it_" somehow simmered the thoughts that kept telling him this plan was utter rubbish.

Severus let out a sigh, unable to find any more interest to argue with the red-haired witch. He stuck his hands in his pocket and followed behind her, listening to those confident steps of her. There really was no arguing with Lily Evans at times, because sometimes, there was _no point_ to argue.

Once they were outside, walking over the crispy, green grass, Lily took out the letter one of the school owls had dropped on their morning meal and sat down on a bench.

The owl had flown at the fastest speed possible, landed on their breakfast, and literally –– well it seemed to both Lily and Severus –– rolled over their food. In truth, the owl had just rolled on its back, as if it was signifying its last moment of life. A dramatic act of death it was indeed. Quite humorous too, for Severus.

Severus stood beside Lily, anxiously squeezing his hands behind his back as he watched her read the letter. Part of him, was almost tempted to take it from her hands and read it himself. She was just taking too long, reading the damn thing. Really, how many words could fit in that small piece of parchment paper anyways? The thing that agitated him the most was her facial expression, though. As her eyes ran down the letter, scanning it carefully, her mouth would shift from a chin-to-ear smile to a frown, from pouted lips back to her smile. It was driving him crazy.

Suddenly, as Severus watched her read the last bit of the letter, Lily broke into the biggest smile yet. He inwardly swore to himself. He had obvious lost their argument. Lily had won and he had lost. To make matters worse, –– to rub it all in his face –– Lily began reading aloud:

'Dear Lily _and _Severus,' Lily began but then stopped to shove the letter in his face.

Severus shrugged and gently pushed the letter away and with a stubborn voice, he said, 'just keep reading.'

'You're no fun,' Lily replied, with a smile that got under Severus' skin. There was no reason for him to be happy about this. Nothing _good_ was going to come out of this. He should go straight to his father's house, stay there, and not meddle with Lily's kind family.

Lily began reading again:

'Dear Lily _**and **_Severus,

It has been too long since I have seen the both of you together. Do you two remember the days, when the both of you would run around my backyard, smiling without a care in the world? I do, and I miss those days and I know Lily does too, Severus. And because of this, Severus, I welcome you into my home with open arms.

However, there are a few conditions and I expect the both of you to follow and respect.

Severus, you will be sleeping in a separate room that I have prepared for you before your arrival. (It may not be everything you expect, but in time, we will accommodate it to your likings.) I also will allow you visitors, Severus, as long as they bring no harm to our home. I will not tolerate it. Those are my standards for you, Severus.

My baby flower, I also have conditions for you. If Severus is going to stay at our home, he will need a proper environment, so I ask you to work things out with Petunia this summer, and minimize the fighting between the two of you. I expect you to be responsible over Severus and take care of him. If he needs anything or is in any form of trouble, I expect you to inform your Dad and me _right away_.

These are my conditions and I expect no excuses. The curfew hours will be discussed when you both arrive.

I will see you both this afternoon.

Be safe.

Love Mum.'

Lily finished reading the letter with a breathless voice and a large smile on her face.

By now, Severus was feeling that awful feeling in his chest that he –– no matter how many times he's dealt with it before –– could never get used to. Guilt. It laid heavy on his chest, as if something was _physically_ pushing on his chest, making it hard to breathe.

'Relax, Sev,' Lily said, interrupting his inner struggle. She placed a hand on his back; making his muscles relax but it did nothing to ease the pressure on his chest. 'I know you feel… guilty, but you really shouldn't! My Mum's going to be very happy to see you! So don't worry about it, Sev, or you'll stress me out, too.'

Severus had both his arms on his knees, holding his head with his hands. His fingers squeezed tightly around his head, to ease the headache that was beginning to form deep within his brain. His knuckles were white and he looked rather pale. His hair covered his face profile like a curtain, hiding the distress that was swimming in his eyes. The sleeveless of his jumper and undershirt were completely askew because he had brutally pulled on his tie. Was it getting warmer or was it just him?

After a moment of silence had gone by, and Lily's words began reaching his mind, he pulled himself up. He ran two smooth hands over to the sides of his hair, pushing it back, and he held it there. Warm summer air did nothing to cool his face, or the small flame that was building inside of him from anger. This whole thing was just… ridiculous!

'Sev, you really shouldn't be worrying ––' Lily said.

'How can you say that, Lily?' Severus cut her off. He turned his body around, and looked into her green eyes with his black ones. 'After everything I did? What Petunia told your Dad, about my books? Or when I dropped that branch over Petunia's head, _on purpose_!' He hissed venomously. Yes, he had broken that branch, _on purpose. _It wasn't an accident like he would like Lily to believe. No, he had done it with all the intentions to _hurt_ Petunia. 'Insulting you,' he continued with a clam and empty voice. Oh, his anger was still there, burning feverishly under his skin, making his blood curdle unpleasantly, yet… satisfyingly. 'And did you forget what I did to MacDonald?' Severus said with a streak of the anger that was bubbling under his skin. 'Lily, I _cannot_ take this offer. I don't deserve her kindness ––'

'Shut up,' Lily said, standing from the bench quickly. There was anger in her eyes that matched the same anger in Severus' eye just as powerfully. Her arms were at her side and her hands were squeezing into tight, little fist.

Severus stood up from the bench, calmly. Yes, he was _very _upset about the situation but there was no point in getting defensive with Lily. He had to stay calm and compose, even though his nerves were telling him to do quite the opposite. With a calm and trained voice, he said, 'Lily, I can't ––'

'I said _shut up_,' Lily yelled. Her face red and there was tears from anger bordering her eyes.

Severus shrunk into himself at her harsh tone, and his anger began to simmer away like a blown out candle. His arms hung loosely by his side but each of his finger were tense from the anger that was yet to fizzle out. His ears no longer pounded and he could clearly see Lily now.

Her arms now crossed defensively over her chest and her posture was that of person who wasn't going to back down. Severus felt her gaze travel over him, analysing him, making him feel even smaller. Her eyes showed just how offended she was by his words and it made his chest twist in a painful way.

'How can someone as smart as you be so stupid at the same time?' Lily bit out.

Severus cringed. 'Lily, I––'

'Just listen!' Lily cut him off. 'Please… It's my turn to talk,' she said a bit more clam, yet with a steel-like voice. 'I know you did a lot of awful things, Sev. I know. Believe me, I _know_. But, I could never bring myself to leave you all by yourself, especially now, when you need me the most. I won't allow you to go back to your Dad and neither will my Mum, Sev. We love you and care for your wellbeing more than anyone else cares, and you know that. So do _not_ throw our kindness away.'

Pause.

'Stop living in the mistakes of yours past, Sev, or you'll end up living a miserable life. Stop thinking that every little mistake you've ever made will follow you to your grave. Just stop, please,' Lily said. She took a step towards him, and gently snuck her hands into his hot one. 'You need this, Sev. You need to let people into your life. Please let us–_me_–help you.'

Severus stood there, silently letting her words burn into his skull. Part of him, didn't want to listen to her. He didn't deserve her help and above anything else, he _had _mistakes that had followed him to his last dying breath. Mistake that were carved in his bones, inked into every pore on his skin, and in the air he exhaled daily. Mistakes were a _part _of him. A horrid and hideous part of him. Because they weren't childish, foolish mistakes that a teenager would make. No, they were soul breaking, blood shedding, and_ life taking _mistakes.

But Lily didn't know that.

Lily thought that his mistakes went as far as calling a few Muggleborns _Mudbloods_; that the branch that had bruised Petunia shoulder was as far as he's ever gone in hurting someone; that his pale skin had never been marked by the Dark Lord's mark.

Nothing. Lily knew nothing of that and she would never know. He would never tell her those things, because apart from making Lily disappear from his life entirely, it would _soil _and _destroy _her beautiful heart.

But…

Did she deserve the truth? Did she _really_ deserve to know who he really was?

Yes, she did. One day, when she's old enough and had seen enough of the war that is soon to come, he would tell her. He would tell her slowly, unravelling his secrets to her, showing her that he was nothing more than a selfish Death Eater.

_Had been. _

But… that didn't change anything, because he had still _killed _all those people, he had still _tortured _all those innocent souls, and he had still _severed _that Dark Lord. He _had_ done all those things, but they still felt entirely real to him, as if it had all happened yesterday.

No, Lily didn't need to know that, none of it… yet. She was pure and _whole_. She was kind and _honest._ She was _everything_ that he miserably and painfully had failed to be.

Everything.

Severus gently coiled his hand around hers a little tighter and looked into her eyes. No, Lily didn't need to know any of it yet. For now, she needed to hold onto this innocent image of him for as long possible, until the day he shattered it. Severus didn't want to tell her all those horrible things, but she had to know; that she could do better than him.

He wasn't capable of living with the chains of guilt wrapped around his feet forever. He wasn't capable of letting his heart shrink any smaller by lying to her for the rest of her life. He just wasn't. It was too tiring. To painful.

Looking down at Lily, he found those green eyes looking up at him, patiently waiting for his answer. How long had he been thinking? How long had she been chewing on her rosy lips with anxiety?

Too long.

Severus gripped her hand a little tighter and gently pulled her body in his. Actions would do him more justice than the foolish words that always left his lips. Gently letting her hand go, he wrapped his arms around her waist, and pulled her harder into his body. How fragile yet… unbreakable she felt in his arms. He snaked his other arm around her shoulder, placed his cheek on top of her head, and relished the soft smell of roses that emitted from her hair.

'I will… let you help me,' Severus whispered. There was no anger in his bones, no guilt swimming in his blood, and no sadness in his heart. All he wanted to was to enjoy every moment –– every _second_ he had with Lily. Because their relationship had an inevitable end, and he wasn't going to hide or avoid it. For her sake, not his.

But for now, she didn't have to know.

For now, he would relish every moment.

※**-****※****-****※**

Lily Evans knew that the person she was holding in her arms was no longer the boy she had met that one, warm summer afternoon. No, there was something different about this boy… something she couldn't quite place her finger on. It was something that her heart didn't quite understand, but nonetheless, it bothered her.

As the smell of old books and peppermint made its way into her rosy nose, she felt her muscle relax. The way Severus held her set bells off in Lily's head. His embrace now always held this desperate streak to them, as if it was the last time he was going to be able to hold her.

It unsettled her.

※**-****※****-****※**

Severus began a slow journey back to his Common Room. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, and he carried his head as if were loose from his spine. His steps were slow yet smooth and very calculated.

The emotions that he was experiencing were going out of scale. None of them made sense, there was anger but then in would contradict with his happiness; insecurity that would mingle with his courage; acceptance and hate were trying to mix like oil and water. It was a battlefield deep within his hammering heart, shooting jolts of guilt throughout his body with every _'thump'_. It was something he had no control over and it was driving him mad.

Severus went down the stairs, skipping every second step. His mind wasn't in the game, it was somewhere far away, but he somehow managed to get to the final step without falling. When he was only a few feet away from the Stonewall, he began to slow down his pace, almost to a stop. He realized that every single Slytherin would be in the Common Room, packing and saying their final goodbyes before they left for the summer. 'Bloody Hell,' Severus said under his breathe, leaning against the wall. The last thing he needed was to see his two idiotic roommates right now. With the storm within his mind and heart, he was in no condition to deal with their mindless comments.

Severus let out a deep sigh, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. Every single muscle felt exhausted and his brain was running slower than usual, unable to process simple data. He felt like someone who had been running for days, without any sleep or proper nutrition to feed his aching, tired muscles. His eyes and head began to droop, barely able to fight the overpowering wave of sleep that was drowning him.

'Bloody _Hell_,' he hissed, snapping himself from his trance. He brought his hands in front of him, as if they held the answers to the question that were swimming in his head. Why was he so tired? Why was he was so slow all of the sudden? What was happening to him? It was as if something was eating him from the inside, stealing all his energy from the second he wakes up. A small growl of frustration left his lips as he slammed his fist into the wall behind him. He welcomed the small stings of pain that worked up his arms, awaking him from his pitiful state of mind.

'Something wrong, Snape?' Came a male voice that echoed down the hallway, working its way into Severus' ears.

Damn.

Severus let out another sigh before he emotionlessly replied, 'no, Avery. I am fine.'

He pushed himself up against the wall, to get a better stance since his muscles were no longer working with him. After he managed a comfortable position, he shoved his hands into his pockets and lifted his head to meet Avery's dark-brown eyes.

He stood on the other side of the hallway, leaning against the wall, mimicking his posture.

'You don't look too great,' Avery pointed out.

Severus smirked. Of course, Avery would be the one to point out the most obvious. Severus shrugged his shoulders and said, 'good observation.'

'Couldn't sleep?' Avery asked with a raised eyebrow.

'Who could sleep in a room with two noisy idiots?' Severus answered with a harsh tone and a smirk on his lips. Since when did care about his wellbeing?

'You can be such an asshole, Snape. You act like my little sister with all these bitchy characters of yours. It's so _annoying_,' Avery bit back.

'Glad to know, at some level, I'm considered family. I'm touched,' Severus replied calmly.

'Don't get too emotional. You'll make me sick,' Avery replied as he slid down the wall.

'Maybe that's my intention,' Severus said slowly, with a menacing voice. He slid down the wall slowly like Avery had and kept his pitch-black eyes on Avery. 'To kill you,' he finished saying.

'Don't mess around like that, you fucking git,' Avery retorted with a loud voice. 'Salazar's balls, you can be such a fucking creep sometimes. You know that?'

Severus watched as Avery stood up, his eyes never leaving his. It was as if he was expecting Severus to take out his wand and hex him dead in the spot. It was only a joke. Maybe a joke that was too much for Avery because he had obviously been rather bothered by it.

Severus let out a hollow laugh escape his lips. Then, with a snide he said, 'can't take a joke, Avery?'

'You're jokes aren't funny. You just say random shit that's just plain psychotic most of the time,' Avery said with furious voice, as he patted the dust of his nice robs. 'No wonder Malfoy likes you; you'll make the perfect candidate for the Dark Lord. You might even become his most favourite pawn.'

'Does it bother you? That it could possibly be true, one day?' Severus replied, sounding unaffected by his words that played a cruel song in his heart. It was a sick irony –– Avery's words.

Avery paused, giving Severus a long and menacing stare. 'Well?' Severus hissed quietly, barely audible.

'No, it doesn't bother me. Besides, nobody would suit the job better than _you_ would,' Avery hissed under his nose, giving Severus a nasty snide. 'Is that what you want to hear, Snape, that the Dark Lord favours you more than anyone else?'

A long silence drifted in the air, and there was such a thick atmosphere between them, that if someone walked by, it would feel like they hit a wall. The silence dragged on, and sparks of hatred and misunderstanding snapped feverishly between the two Slytherins.

Avery's words had left a bitter taste in Severus' mouth and a heavy stone in his stomach. With his Death Eater training though, he was able to show no emotions towards those words, which had felt like hot knives cutting his skin.

'_Is that what you want to hear, Snape, that the Dark Lord favours you more than anyone else?' _

After the quietness had gone on for too long, and Severus had lost all reason to argue with Avery, he slowly stood up and said, 'no. It's not.'

_No. _

_Never._

※**-****※****-****※**

Lily was sitting on her bed, smiling happily to herself as she read her mother's letter once more. She had been so ecstatic at the letter when she first read it; it took all herself control to _not_ jump around like an idiot in front of Severus. She maintained calm though, knowing that jumping around like an idiot would only make Severus feel more uncomfortable.

'What's with the face?' asked Mary, as she closed the door behind her. She then walked over to Lily's bed and sat beside her, catching her contagious smile. 'What is it? Come on, tell me.'

'I sent Mum a letter last night, asking if Sev could spend the summer with us–– '

'And she said yes,' Mary interrupted her, filling in her sentence. Mary threw her arms in the air and fell backwards onto Lily's bed, facing the ceiling. 'Honestly, if you two keep this up you're going to end up attached by the hips and I'm going to have to find a new friend.'

'That's not funny,' Lily said with a heavy sigh, dreading the repetitive conversation about her Slytherin friend. Lily slowly fell backwards, landing shoulder to shoulder with Mary.

'It's not fair, for either of us, you know? How he treated you so unkindly and what he _did_ to me –– with his friends,' Mary said. Her words dripped with resent. 'Now you are all buddy-buddy with him. I know it's unfair for me to try to pull you away from Snape, since you've been friends with him for Godric's knows _how _long. But still…'

'Yeah… Sev's been my friend for as long as I can remember. It's almost as if he's always been by my side, like family. Mum feels the same way, too. He's someone I've always cared about and that's why I refuse to turn a blind eye on him. Especially now, when he needs me the most. I know that over the years Sev started to become––'

'A-two-faced-dark-magic-loving-git?' Mary said. She placed her hand over her mouth, muffling a small laugh. 'Sorry, it's a bad habit.'

'_Anyways_, as I was saying. He's become complicated, unreasonable, unbearable, so bloody hell _rude,_' Lily continued.

'Is this any better than what I said? Mary interrupted again, looking slightly shocked.

'Ah, sorry, got a little carried away there. It's true though, what you and I both said, minus the git part, on your behalf, that is. He can be the most impossible person at times, because of his anger, but he wasn't always like that, Mary. He used to be this confused, broken little kid. I doubt he even knew what love was until he met Mum and me,' Lily said, looking at Mary. 'I don't want to get into the story of his life, because it's not my story to tell. Besides, I don't even know it that well myself, but I know he has it rough.'

Lily paused, taking in a deep breath and placing her hands on her stomach. 'He used to be a really mean kid when I first met him––'

'––You don't say…'

'––but once you pealed of his insecurities and gained his trust, he was something special. He was someone you could always count on, no matter how big or small the task was, he would try to pull through for you. He would listen to all my problems, even if they were incredibly stupid. And the list goes on and on…'

'I get it,' Mary snapped, while Lily took another pause.

Lily turned her head, looking at her friend, expecting her to be mad because of her tone of voice. 'I get it,' she repeated, looking at the ceiling. Mary's voice now sounded… sympathetic. 'I get why he's the way he is. It make's sense. I just wish he would grow up, and realize that the way he is acting now, will never fix his problems. If anything, it'll make them worse.'

'I know, he's just stubborn that way, always has been,' Lily replied as she sat up. 'He's trying to change though, Mary. I just know it.'

'Maybe…' was all that Mary said, as she stood up from the Lily's bed. Mary walked over to her trunk and lifted it by the handle. 'It's time to go!'

※**-****※****-****※**

Severus waited patiently against the wall outside, next to the large front doors of Hogwarts. He waited in the shadows, wishing the weather would be slightly cooler. Maybe he was the one who was feeling warm, who knew? All he knew was that the heat was driving him up the wall.

'Sev!' Lily's voice drifted in the air. He pushed himself of the wall and walked over to Lily's side, his trunk floating behind him. 'Ready?' Lily asked, smiling up at him.

'Yes,' he replied, as he turned to face the puffs of smoke from the train that were appearing over the trees, like smoke signals.

Severus didn't know if he was feeling anxious or exhausted. Both those feelings were hitting him, taking turns with him. His blood would pump speedily through his arteries, his heart would boom loudly in his ears as the thought of meeting Lily's parents swept through his mind.

Then, the unexplainable tiredness would hit him. It would make his blood thick, making his aching muscles sluggish. He felt like an old man when this tiredness hit him, which he thought, was rather comical, considering he _was _an old man –– sort of.

※

There was no eye contact, or words leaving anyone's mouth. It was almost so quiet, Severus swore he would be able to hear Lily's heartbeat if it were not for the sounds of the train.

When they were boarding the train, Lily had suggested that they all sit together –– again. Neither Severus nor MacDonald argued, groaned, or let a single sound leave their lips. They just nodded their heads and shared an unnecessary, awkward glance between them. After they had found a spot to sit, they shoved their carry-ons in the cabinets above their seats and sat down. Lily sat beside the window, across from Severus, and MacDonald got comfortable next to Lily.

Severus huffed under his breath, and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He moved his eyes, looking at every corner and knob there was in the cabinet. He huffed again, scratching his head and looking out the window. He took no interest in the blur of trees and water.

Severus altered his position once more. He crossed his arms, and looked at the floor. _'How long until we arrive at the station? How long has it been? Do I even want to arrive?' _Severus thought, moving his elbows onto his knees. '_What will I say to Lily's parents… or Petunia, for a matter of fact? "Petunia, will you forgive me for all those horrible names I called you or when I broke that branch over your head –_–_ on purpose." Yes, that sounds perfect,' _he thought sarcastically, a smirk playing on his lips. He pushed his hair back with his hands and then brought them back down, in front of him.

Slowly, his eyes made it to his left forearm and for the slightest second, he feared the Dark Mark had somehow returned, permanently inked into his pale skin once more. He rubbed the pale section with his right thumb slowly, forming little circles, making goosebumps appear all over his body. When the goosebumps passed, he brought both of his sleeves down, covering his arms. He ran a slightly shaky hand through his hair again, and then went back to leaning against the window.

'Sev always gets like this when he's confined in a small room with nothing to do.' He heard Lily say. He gave her a sideways glance, and smirked at her comment. Really, how much did Lily know about him? 'He won't stop shifting and moving around, like a five year old on a sugar rush who's forced to sit down and watch his friends play on playground,' Lily added. He lifted an eyebrow and then went back to staring out the window, leaving her comment to float in the air.

'I couldn't stay still when I was little. Mum thought I had some sort of problem for a while. You know, like those kids who cannot sit still at all? Turns out though, I got easily hyperactive with sugar and Mum was always making bake goods and toffee for Dad and me to eat. So, you can see how that didn't go over very well,' MacDonald commented with a small smile, joining into the conversation that both the girls –– Severus notice –– were desperate to have in the silence of the cabin.

'Are you saying,' Severus began saying slowly, tilting his head towards MacDonald,' that I'm acting like a little hyperactive child?'

'No, I––,' MacDonald began speaking, lifting her hands in the air as she moved her head side to side.

'You could say that's true… I suppose,' Severus cut in and prompted both of his elbows on both of his knees. A lazy smirk appeared on his lips as he looked back at MacDonald. She was leaning back in her seat and had a hand over her chest.

'What do you mean, "_I suppose"? _You act like a child most of the time,' Lily said, crossing her arms and giving him a raised eyebrow.

Severus leaned back on his seat and kept his face straight. 'Those words don't mean much, coming from another _child_, now, do they?' Severus said calmly, a tinge of bitterness in his words. He wasn't really in the mood to be joking around but the silence had also started to get under his skin. So, if this was the type of conversation he was going to get, then he might as well play along.

'Here comes the almighty Severus Snape. Please, for the safety of others and yourself, make way for his oversized ego and head,' Lily said as she lifted her hands in expiration.

Severus could see the gleam of laughter dance in her eyes, taunting him, telling he had lost the battle. He smiled through a sigh and said,' I suppose my head_ is_ quite large. There is no argument there, Lily Evans.'

As far as he could remember, he had always let Lily win in these silly arguments. He always came up with a comeback to her jokes, but the gleam of happiness in her eyes sewed his lips together every time, enabling the words from coming out.

Severus gave MacDonald a final glance and saw an amused smile on her face. It made him uncomfortable –– her smile. Something about the fact that she was seeing him in a different light was making his skin sting with an odd sensation. He shrugged, pushing the sensation aside. _'Why do I care?_' he questioned, looking out the window. They were entering the city now. He estimated about a half an hour ride left in this maddening confined place. He shifted in his seat again. He looked over to the girls again and found them sharing one of those stupid glances again.

He envied it.

※

His steps were calculated and swift as he maneuverer himself through the crowed, just like a snake. He shifted his eyes side to side, watching –– waiting for his predator to make the strike. '_Exposed… vulnerable,_' he said in his mind, pressing his eyes close for a second. He couldn't let his mind falter or his body lose composure. Something was eating him, nibbling at his Occlumency shields as if it was a sugary treat. His hand gripped the handle of his trunk harder; taking a hold of the real world his mind was trying to escape or was he trying to leave the real world but somehow could not? Did it matter? After all, he was walking to his own grave –– the one Lily had so kindly dug for him.

'Lily!' He heard an over-excited womanly voice from the other side of the crowd. Severus wished for the crowd to never move, that it would forever stay there, separating him from his grave. 'Damn,' he whispered under his breathe, making sure Lily had not heard him. He dove deeper into the crowed, blending in, and hiding for the last possible second.

'Severus! You look so handsome!' He heard Lily's mother say over the now very thin crowd. He could see her now, through random holes that appeared between people moving in different directions.

'Damn,' he whispered one final time, before bursting through the other side of the crowd. A large group of children walked in front of him, separating him from the Evan's family one last time. Then, they were gone. 'Hello, Mrs. Evans,' he said with a mutual voice –– his nervous voice. 'Hello, Mr. Evans,' he said, taking the final step towards them.

Severus afford his hand to Mr. Evans who eyeballed it for a second and then he took it and roughly squeezed it, letting him _know_ who the boss was. Severus returned the squeeze –– not as roughly, just so he could pass his own message.

Having Mr. Evan's walk all over him was something he would reluctantly tolerate, but the only thing he wouldn't tolerate from Lily's father, was having him think he had no backbone. Mr. Evans realised his grip first and quickly brought it to his side. Severus swore he almost looked uncomfortable.

Nonsense.

Severus turned to Petunia and began saying hello but then his predator attacked him.

Two arms suddenly wrapped around him, squeezing the air out of his lungs. He panicked, stiffening to the person who entered his space so abruptly and unexpectedly. 'You are so big now, Severus. I haven't seen you in so long, my dear. I've missed you so much!' Mrs. Evans said, rubbing his back with up and down strokes. He stayed still in her arms, too afraid of his own movements to return the simple, natural gesture most human shared at moments like these.

Once she let go, Severus hoarsely said, 'thank you, Mrs. Evans. It is very nice to see you and your family again. I would like to say thank you for allowing me to stay at your house this summer. I promise, I will return the gesture one day.'

'Nonsense Severus! If anyone belongs in the family –– other than the Evans themselves –– is you! You're practically family! You should feel no need to return the favour.' She gave him another hug, which he returned by placing a single, awkward arm on her back. 'Thank you,' he whispered, only for her to hear as they broke a part.

Something about the woman made him feel stable –– always had. She was the motherly image he had never experienced. '_Is this how it feels? To be… cared for?_' he thought, feeling unsure of the warmth running through his body.

'Hello, Petunia, it is nice to see you again,' Severus said, once the odd warmth disappeared from his body. She had the exact same look he recalled from his past memories: the wrinkled nose, as if he smelled like a homeless drunk; the lifting of the head, as if he was below her standards; and that stupid look in her eyes, the one that said he was nothing _but_ trash.

'Hi,' she said with a cold voice, hiding none of the distaste she had for him.

Oh… how he wanted to rip her little, rat-shaped face apart.

'_One spell.' _A voice whispered in Severus ear, numbing his mind completely.

'Shall we get going?' Mr. Evans interrupted, his deep voice luring Severus back to reality.

Severus looked towards the exit. His eyes were glazed over with a storm. '_Calm,_' he said in his mind, silencing the other voice.

'Are you coming?' Lily asked, tugging his hand and manoeuvring him through the loud crowd. The faces of the people were a blur. All he was able to hear was mumblings of words, as if he was in a foreign country. Numb to her hand and his body, he kept bumping into other people, costing him to lose Lily. The crowd shifted and pushed him farther away from the Evans, deeper into the sea of crowd.

'Fallowing her like a child, are we?' He heard someone sneer into his ear. 'Pathetic, Snape, especially for someone like yourself.'

A hand roughly squeezed Severus' right shoulder, digging their nails into his flesh. With brute force, the hand spun his body around and his black eyes met blue ones. 'You don't _belong_ there, Snape. You _know_ that. You belong with _us_.'

Severus eyes turned to slits as he faced Malfoy's blue eyes. He locked his jaw, roughly grabbed his hand, and tore it away from his shoulder. Malfoy was pushing his patience, and if he didn't watch himself carefully, Severus would puncture a hole right in the middle of his chest. 'You _know_ I'm right, Snape. Those disgusting Muggles will only drag you down and hold you back. They'll brain wash you!' Malfoy hissed loudly, as his eyes glazed over with anger and disgust. 'Come with me, and you shall meet the Dark Lord. He will offer you everything you want: power, respect, and to rid the world of _filthy_––'

'Dear, are you planning on keeping us all day?' Mrs. Evans voice broke through the Malfoy's cold voice, shattering it to shards. Severus turned to face Mrs. Evans, meeting her angry hazel eyes. She walked up him, wrapped an arm around his shoulder, and began pushing him towards the exit.

Severus anger was still thick in his arteries. He took one last look at Malfoy and found disgust on his face. It took Severus every sheer bit of will power he had to not turn around and hex Malfoy raw.

'_One spell.' _The voice whispered again, but Severus shook it off.

They finally exited the building. It was like breaking free of something but Severus didn't know what it was. All he knew was that he could breathe and think properly again. 'Forgive me, Mrs. Evans. I ran into a classmate of mine,' he said. He took another deep breath in, letting it put out the last flame of his anger.

'It's quite alright, dear,' Mrs. Evans said.

Severus could feel her eyes lingering on his face, examining him. She was trying to read him like an adult would a child after a strange situation, to check if they were up to something. It got under his skin. He took a deep breath in and turned to face her, meeting her hazel eyes with his own black ones. 'He was offering me to stay with him this summer,' he said.

'Hmm…' was all she said.

'I can tell you don't agree with him, dear –– not fully, at least. So why get involved such a troublesome boy?' Mrs. Evans asked, stating her point of view through a question.

She heard. She understood. She knew.

_Damn._

Severus slowed down his steps until they came to a complete stop. 'I'm not involved with them… anymore,' he delicately began saying. This was a sensitive topic. A test. 'Please, Mrs. Evans, I ask that you don't think of me as a bad influence on Lily. I know in the past I have been… strange at times –– _dark_, if you would like to put it, but in spite of that, I can ensure you, I would never harm Lily or your family.' He rubbed his fingers together, feeling the cold sweat that had formed in his palms. 'Even though I feel I don't deserve it; I am very grateful for the roof you have placed over my head, Mrs. Evans.'

'Oh, I wouldn't say that…' said Mrs. Evans with a voice that had an inner secrete. 'You see, this summer we have many things planned and I think you'll soon be feeling quite sorry for yourself, dear. Come on now; let us get going.'

It irked Severus that she had brushed his words by and not given him a single reply. In an odd way, she was _accepting_ him for who he was. He looked at her from the corner of his eye, now his turn to examine her. He looked at her hazel eyes and found doubts and worries swimming in them. Most likely about him. The deeper he looked though, the more he realized that she also held confidence. Possibly in him? The way she walked was strong and proud. The way she held him was no different.

※

Severus sat on the right side of the car and in the middle sat Lily, nervously playing with her fingers. He watched as her eyes shifted to her older sister's over and over again, waiting for _her _to say something. He wanted to tell her _she_ was the one who had to speak up. Otherwise, they might as well sit in the car through the whole summer. His hand went up to his hair in concern, struggling between the odd sensations of wanting to speak through a tangled tongue. He looked at Lily once more.

Severus' head shot back slightly when he met Lily looking back at him. Green eyes glazed with an inner struggle that were calling for him, asking him for an answer to her dilemma. For advice ––_ from him_. He smirked and looked out the window, biting his lips to restrain his laughter. In what universe would he be of any use in this type of situation? It was a joke and it seemed he was the only who found it funny.

Their odd, silent moment had caught the attention of another pair of green eyes. Severus turned around to look at Lily but saw passed her red head, and saw a pair of forest green eyes glaring at him. His innocent smirk melted of his face and his eyes returned the furious glare tenfold. God, just looking at her face made his skin crawl with dislike.

He bitterly ripped his stare away from Petunia and looked back down at Lily, meeting her warm, light green eyes. Funny, he thought. It was true what they said: your eyes are truly the window to your soul. In that case, Petunia's soul was hollow and cold and Lily's was the opposite, warm and caring. Caught in the odd moment of his thoughts, he ran another hand through his hair, pushing the thoughts back. He kept his hand there, to keep his hair and his thoughts back as well. He looked down at Lily and kept his face calm and soft, and with his eyes, he transmitted the courage she was looking for so she could talk to her sister. As much as he enjoyed the silence, he knew that the relationship between Lily and her sister was important.

Lily tore her gaze from his went back to looking down at her hands. A soft shade of pink decorated her cheeks. At this, Severus scratched his head. '_What kind of message did she interoperate?_' he thought, leaning his head back. Maybe he needed more practice with the were-best-friends-and-we-can-understand-each-other-telepathically thing, because he obviously had no clue to what he was doing. More importantly, all he managed to do was make Lily more uncomfortable by the looks of it. Oh, and now Petunia was glaring at him with such a force, that if it were a spell, it would be an Unforgivable.

Defeated and frustrated, he shoved his hands in his pocket and kept his eyes on the window. How he wished he could frisk through Lily's thought to save himself the headache. He thought he knew her so well, but he was dead wrong. It was like exploring your backyard in different seasons –– everything looks different even though it's the same backyard.

'So… how was your year, Tuney?' Lily asked, after a long silence. The "silence before the storm" was now over.

Severus shifted his gaze on the window and watched their reflection silently. He knew very well what was coming and he wasn't going to like.

'Fine,' Petunia's voice responded flatly, clearly showing no interest in sharing a small conversation. Petunia crossed her arms and stared out the window, shutting Lily out completely.

'Did you tell Lily about your show coming up, dear?' Mrs. Evans threw in, trying to re-attach the broken strings. Severus saw her eyes on the rear-view mirror, glowing with enthusiasm.

'No. I have not,' Petunia responded, not turning her head.

'Oh, Tuney, this is so exciting! You are always so beautiful when you are on stage!' Lily responded. 'When is it?'

'Does it matter? It's not as if you're going. You never come to my shows anymore, because you are always at freak-show circus of yours. Besides, I don't want _you two_ to come,' Petunia responded bitterly.

'I–I…That's not fair, Tuney! You know Mum and Dad can't afford for me to come over all the time. As much as I would love to, I am unable to!' Lily said back. She pouted like a child and returned her gaze back to her knees.

Severus shoved his hands deeper into his pocket, holding back his tempter. How truly unfair that girl was acting. He could see Lily's eyes glaze with silent tears. It was such a stupid thing to get upset over but he had no right to judge. It was something between families –– those uncontrollable mood swings of anger over silly things. It was something he never experienced –– properly, that is –– but knew well enough because of the Evans family. He could recall clearly just how angry Lily would get when Petunia ate the last bit of her favourite cereal or when Petunia had tantrums because Lily would take her dolls without permission. Really, they were only little, idiotic things. He never really understood why they happened, but he just knew it was there: the love-hate relationship between families.

'Lily always talks about you, Petunia,' Severus said, pulling his posture together and placing his elbows on his knees. 'I think you should take this opportunity to enjoy each other's company before Lily goes back to Hogwarts. Don't you agree?' He kept his voice polite and calm, just how he did when he talked to the Dark Lord. It was something he could do with anyone, except Lily, apparently.

'Severus has a good point, dear. I know Lily misses you when she is at Hogwarts and I know you miss her, too. Now, stop arguing and get along,' Mrs. Evans said, turning to face Petunia. She gave her a smile, patted Lily's knees, and gave Severus one of those "thank you" looks.

Severus looked out the window, bored with the conversation. He watched as the buildings pass by with a grey blur. The ride seemed to drag on to no ends. _'How bloody much longer until we get there?' _he thought angrily, as he felt that urge in his muscles to shift around –– to constantly move. There was a heavy feeling developing on his chest, and it was making him desperate to get out of the car. To breathe.

Just as Severus thought they would forever be trapped in the car, Mr. Evans pulled over and parked. The second it was okay to do so, he grabbed the doorknob and pulled it. He smoothly but urgently got out of the car and took two deep breaths. He rubbed small circles on his chest, trying to rid of the heavy pressure that was present.

'Are you feeling alright?' Lily asked, standing next to him, both with their backs to the car and the rest of the Evans.

Severus watched as her eyebrows furrowed together when her eyes gazed down to the hand on his chest. He slid the hand down and placed it in his pocket, and said, 'yes, I'm fine. It just feels nice to get some fresh air.' As convincing as he sounded, he could tell there was no fooling her. Lily's eyes narrowed and she squeezed her lips in to an angry line. 'How about I tell you when it is more appropriate? Your family is waiting,' he said defeated.

'Do you promise?' Lily whispered under her breath as they began walking.

'I promise,' Severus replied, looking straightforward.

Severus walked inside restaurant and mindlessly followed the Evans. He took his seat beside Lily and in front of Mrs. Evans. He politely ordered his food and his drink. He went for something simple that would easily go down his throat and stay down. He half listened to the Evans share a conversation about their time apart because his mind was still scratching his thoughts from before.

He had many things he wanted to share with Lily but he could not –– for her safety and for the safety of his own sanity. In his new life, the mere thought of losing Lily once again was more than mortifying. How would he manage though? His new magic was something tempting and teasing. It was _begging _him to do things he shouldn't. But… didn't everything about him _beg _him to do the wrong thing?

※

As soon as Severus placed his trunk down in his room, Lily was at the doorframe, watching him like a hawk. It unnerved him a little but he ignored it. He sat down on the side of the bed, and looked around his new room.

Four white walls with a wooden floor, two windows with a front yard view, and one door that led to the hallway. The bed was a little larger than a single but not quite a queen. It had a large, dark-red duvet on top of it, and two pillows that were a creamy white. There was a nightstand beside his bed with a little lamp on top of it. Then there was a large wardrobe across from where he sat that was a dark brown. It looked new, and Severus hoped to Salazar that they hadn't gone out of their way to buy him all this. Everything looked new though, the duvet, the nightstand, the lamp, and even the bloody wardrobe.

It was too much.

'Are you not happy?' Lily asked, walking towards him. She took a seat beside him and looked at nice looking wardrobe. 'I think it's quite nice; your room.'

'I like it, Lily. It just that everything looks new,' Severus said, looking at her.

'Yeah… that was probably Mums doing,' she replied, as she turned her head to look at Severus.

Severus didn't reply. He just let silence fill the room. It was so uncomfortable; being treated like this. He wasn't use to this, and he had the odd suspicion that this wasn't going to be the last time Mrs. Evans spoiled him.

'Are you going to tell me now?' Lily said, interrupting his thoughts.

It took a moment for Severus to realize what she was talking but it eventually clicked in. 'It's nothing you should worry about, Lily.'

'You said you would tell me and you looked like you were in _pain_, Sev. How could I not worry?' Lily said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Her hand felt comforting and it relaxed his muscles. The wave of exhaustion was creeping in; he could feel it making its way through his body. He needed a goodnight sleep and he needed it _now._

'Lily,' Severus said. There was the smallest drop of annoyance in her name but it wasn't directed at her. It had just fallen in by accident. He was too tired and mentally drained from the day. He wasn't used to this. Whatever it was that was making his body weak. 'I'm exhausted and mentally drained. I wasn't in pain when you saw me. I was in _discomfort_, that's all. I expect it had something to with my magic, but it was nothing you should be worrying about. I promise, that if it gets worse, I will tell you.'

Severus watched as her eyes shifted from scolding him like a child, to understanding, to finally, worry. She just sat there, staring into his eyes. He never lost nerve because of her light-green eyes. No, rather, it made him stare back quietly, with steel eyes. They weren't harsh, he knew that, but he just needed to get the message across.

Lily couldn't worry about him anymore, especially about this magic problem of his. It was out of her hands and potentially dangerous. But, he would tell her. Small details and such, so she would leave him alone and not be too worried.

Was that the right thing to do though? The more he looked into her eyes, the more he began to realize that she _knew _more than she was letting him on. Something about the way her green eyes would turn soft from worry and then hard as a diamond from _something,_ made him wondered… just _how_ much did she really know? Just how long was she going to push him until she knew everything? Just_ how much_ was good for her to know?

Not much. That was simple.

As her eyes never shifted, and she patiently waited for more information, Severus grew even more tired and a little worry himself. This was just the beginning of a treacherous journey, and he knew it. _That's _what worried him. She wasn't going to drop the subject, and if his symptoms got worse, he wasn't going to able to hide it from her.

Damn.

'Lily,' Severus spoke softly, breaking the rough silence that was hanging above them. 'What would you have me say, so you can have a peaceful night sleep?'

'I…' She paused, shaping her rosy lips into a thin line. Her head was hanging and her gaze was focused on her yellow slippers. Her finger dug into his red duvet and her back was muscles were tense. 'Are you going to be okay, Sev?'

Severus soul twisted in an odd way and it made his chest feel heavier than it did when it was due to his magic. Her question wasn't that simple. No, her question held a deeper meaning in it. A much deeper meaning. But, which one did she want answered?

Was he going to die? No. He couldn't afford to die or her life would be at risk.

Was he falling too deep into the Dark Arts? Was that even possible anymore?

Was he going to become a Dark Wizard? No, of course not.

So, which one of these question did she want answered? Because they all had different answers.

In the end, without over thinking it, he said, 'yes.' He placed a gentle hand on her tensed one and wrapped his fingers with hers. Her grip was rough and tense and it took a minute for her to relax. 'Yes, I am,' he said again. This time, he achieved the relaxation of all her muscles. 'I'll be here for as long as you need me.'

And, with those words, the red-headed witch desperately wrapped her arms around him, and this time, _she_ was the one clinging on for dear life.

_As long as she needed him. _

Was that long enough for him?


	6. Reliving Lost Memories

**Chapter Six**

* * *

**※** **Reliving Lost Memories ****※**

* * *

Severus feverishly tossed and turned throughout the night as he fought the demons that were trying to manifest in his mind. His breathing was rapid from every short and sharp breath he took, and they never allowed his lungs the air he so desperately needed. Sweat and tears ran down his face from the pain of his strained muscles. The sheets of his bed were a tousled mess from his wild kicking and clawing. His nightmares slashed his mind without mercy, rendering his Occlumency shields useless, allowing horrible memories to become vivid and horrifying real.

In his half-awake state, Severus could hear the speedy and strong thump of his heart booming loudly––yelling at him to wake up.

Just as Severus thought the torture would drag to no end, his eyes snapped open. With a bullet-shot fast motion, his body flew forward into a sitting position and he pressed himself flat into the corner. His right hand was on his chest, while his left hand desperately searched for his wand under his pillow.

Severus beady and hollow eyes scanned the room rapidly as he wiped out his wand from underneath the pillow, pointing it at the empty room. With his left hand shaking, his eyes checked all four walls and every crack in the polished, wooden floor. It was if he was expecting someone to melt through the walls or seep through the cracks and attack him.

Severus gave the room one last paranoid check and then slowly placed one foot on the floor––then the other one. He cautiously––still looking all around the room––walked towards the window with clumsy and hasty movements.

The sky was pitch-black, and star-free because of all the mist floating in the night air. From a side view of the window, Severus could see a streetlamp give off an eerie and yellow light. The glow of the streetlamp gave the scene an aberrant feeling––like something peculiar was about to happen to him any second.

Slowly, Severus leaned against the windowsill, and stared at his reflection in the glass. His eyes flew open with horror; his mouth fell slightly open; and his stomach rose to his mouth in disgust.

'_I-is that _me?_'_ Severus asked in his mind. Lifting his hand to the window, he ran a single finger down it, leaving a clean trail in all the condensation that had gathered on the window. His hand fell to his side loosely, as if had been disconnected from its socket. He swallowed nervously, and his head twitched once.

Everything about the reflection was the same––not a hair out of place… but… one thing was different. That one thing was strangely out of place––yet… it was very familiar to Severus, because, a long time ago, that same virulent smile had been on his own lips. Severus swallowed in disgust, pushing his stomach back down as he watched his reflection.

Severus watched horrified as the reflection tilted its head to the side, the smile becoming more and more disturbing to him by the second. His hands began to shake, as the most disturbing thing about the reflection began to sink into Severus's mind––the _eyes. _They were horrifying to Severus… because, those eyes hungered for something wrathful and murderous.

Severus watched––with wide eyes––as his reflection pushed itself back, neither the sick smile nor hunger in its eyes left. His eyes never wavered from Severus––from his prey.

The reflection lifted its wand, and every muscle within Severus froze. The reflection waved the wand side to side, and Severus followed its movements with hollow eyes. Then––without warning––the reflection flicked its wand, and to Severus immense horror, a Death Eater began appearing in front of him. The black smoke floated around the reflection, materializing into the mid-night black robes Severus himself had once wore with honour.

A single, warm tear ran down Severus's face as he watched the metal mask forming––the exact same one he had once owned. The last thing Severus saw before the reflection was entirely hidden––were those wicked eyes and smile. Severus felt another tear escape his eyes, and run down his cheek as he stared at a full-flesh Death Eater––a _true_ Death Eater. One who had not a single drop of mercy lurking in within their heart; enjoyed watching the weaker suffer; and killed only out of sick _pleasure._

The reflection once more brought up its wand, but this time––it pointed it at Severus and not itself. Hopelessness and fear manifested in Severus's heart, and it spread like wildfire within him. A pressure formed within his upper chest, as if he had swallowed a balloon and it was now inflating. Adrenaline rushed through his body, igniting all his nerves for a fight-or-flight moment.

Lifting his eyes to the metal mask, Severus insides curled into a tight ball; they twisted and coiled painfully. The pair of eyes that had once been tight with hunger were now dilated with pure pleasure. Bloodlust and baneful thoughts swam within those eyes, and Severus knew (even though he could not see), that the wicked smile had now turned into demonic grin.

As the reflection lifted its wand for the final blow, to cast the most forbidden spell, Severus could only watch––paralyzed and horror-struck. The only thing he wanted was for all of it to end––for the nightmare to disappear––for the inexplicable _fear_ to vanish––and for the horrible memory to die…

Then, everything flashed green.

Severus knees buckled and he fell to the floor coughing, fighting the bile that was coming up. With his right hand on his mouth, he quickly stood from the ground and ran to the bathroom. He burst through the bathroom door, and then slammed his hand blindly all over the wall, looking for the switch. With a heavy fist against the wall, the lights switched on, and Severus ran to sink and emptied his stomach.

Several minutes later, when his stomach had nothing else to give, Severus rinsed his mouth, washing away the bitter taste. He didn't bother looking for towel to dry himself. He had no energy within him at the time, so he weakly slid against the wall, and fell to the ground.

He was broken and twisted within; butchered and sewn back together erroneously; and he was alive and breathing but rotting within.

**※**

The same yellow light was pouring into the kitchen as Severus walked in. He set his wand down on the table and began looking for a cup. Grabbing the first cup he saw––which turned out to be lime green––he walked to the fridge, took out the water jug out, and poured himself a cup until it was about to overflow. Putting the water jug back in the fridge, Severus drank his water eagerly, oblivious to the sound of steps that could be heard in the background.

'Severus?'

Severus snapped his head in the direction of the voice, and for some reason, he could not find his own voice to respond to Mrs Evans. His throat was still corroded and sore from his spewed from an hour ago.

When Severus had gone back to his room, he snuck right into his bed. He attempted to fall asleep but it was no use. The thought of going back to sleep, tossing and turning from his nightmares, and then waking up to possibly have another twisted illusion, just didn't seemed all that appealing to him. So instead of sleeping, he decided to go into the kitchen and grab a glass of water to sooth his burning tonsils.

'Is that you––Severus?' Mrs Evans whispered, never coming into the kitchen. She was hiding in the living room, waiting for his conformation.

Severus cleared his throat––his eyes closing in discomfort––and then said, 'Yes. It's me, Mrs Evans.' His voice sounded deeper than usual.

'Oh, thank goodness; you scared me!' Mrs Evans said, walking into the kitchen with a hand over her heart.

'Sorry. That was not my intention,' he apologized, setting the empty cup on the table. 'I was just grabbing a glass of water.' He eyed the empty glass, wondering what he should do with it.

'Just leave it there, dear,' Mrs Evans said, answering his unspoken question.

Just as Severus took his first step to leave––Mrs Evans stopped him with a question:

'Couldn't sleep?'

To say that Severus was reluctant to sit down and share a midnight talk with Mrs Evans, was quite the understatement. This one was one of the many things he was dreading since he stepped foot in the Evans's house––to share a conversation with anyone in the house, other than Lily.

Severus eyes lingered over her form for a second; he wondered where this conversation would go. With a smooth hand, he reached over for the chair and pulled it without making a sound. Sitting down, Mrs Evans attacked him with another question, her voice a little more demanding.

'Did you have a nightmare?'

'No,' he lied flatly. 'I just feel disoriented.'

There was more truth behind those words than Mrs Evans would ever know.

'Hmm…' She hummed, looking at him with a glint of suspicion in her eyes.

Severus squeezed his knees under the table. For some unexplainable reason, her gesture irked him more than it should.

'How's your father, dear?' She asked.

This conversation had just taken a turn he had not been expecting.

'I haven't seen my father in years, Mrs Evans.' His voice was devoid of any warmth or emotion.

'Do you not go home for the breaks?' She asked.

Severus picked up a note of uneasiness in her voice.

'No. I usually go to a friend's house during the breaks,' he replied, and again his voice was cold.

'I see…'

Once more Severus squeezed his knees, a little rougher than the first time. He tore his gaze from her face and looked at the ground. Memories of his father began to flying pass his mind, like leaves in the wind. He knew her questions were supposed to bring him discomfort, make him sound as if he longed for his father's warmth, but instead, he sounded hollow, and almost angry as he answered her questions.

There was no urge to see his father. There was no warmth, love, or fatherly image in Severus's life. He knew little of those things––perhaps that is why he had been so ruthless towards his students in his past life. How did one take care of child? How do you express love and care; teach proper life-skills without running out of patience?

They were things he knew nothing about, and would probably never learn.

'May I go to bed, Mrs Evans? I am quite tired,' Severus asked. This conversation was only going to steer his emotions in the wrong direction. He did not want to get angry, but if she kept interrogating him about his father––there was no helping it.

'Yes, of course! I'm sorry, dear; I shouldn't be keeping you up,' Mrs Evans said a little too quickly, making Severus raise an eyebrow in suspicion, but he brushed it by quickly. He calmly stood from the table and then pushed the chair back in. He paused for a second, looking at Mrs Evans worried face.

There was no frown on her face, no wrinkle between her eyebrows. Instead, there was smile, but when Severus looked into her eyes and gently skimmed over the surface of her mind with his Legilimency skills, there was––without a doubt––a seed of discomfort slowly growing within her as she looked into his eyes.

Severus ran his hand over the spine of the chair, and let out a breath of air. This was the last thing he wanted––to let his detachment and genuinely dark aura scare Mrs Evans away.

Looking at the ground, never meeting her eyes, he whispered, 'Goodnight, Mrs Evans.'

He walked out, his steps silent on the cold, wooden floor.

**※**

Since two in the morning, Severus had been unable to get a single minute of sleep. After everything that had happened, how could he?

Looking out the window, Severus could hear foots tapping on the floor above him. By the look of the rising sun, it was no later than six in the morning, and only one person was up at this time, and that was Mr Evans.

If Severus recalled properly, Mr Evans was a dentist who worked in London. Cokeworth––where the Evans and Severus lived––was an hour drive from London.

Mr Evans was now coming down the stairs, his feet thumping as he descended. Severus heard shuffling in the kitchen, and then a few minutes later, he heard the front door close. The engine of his car grumbled softly, and faded as he drove away.

Severus rolled onto his side, looking at his room. He wondered if Mr Evans liked his job. Maybe he hated it––just like how he did when he had been a teacher.

Severus pulled out his wand from underneath his pillow, and began twirling it in his left hand. Although, teaching potions was probably far more interesting than looking into a stranger's mouth all day.

For hours, Severus stared at his spinning wand as he tried emptying his mind. Something within him was bothering him immensely and he needed to figure out what it was before it drove him mad. It was as if something was growing in him, spreading through his body, causing his anxiety and anger. What it was or what was causing it was mystery to Severus. It was some sort of craving––some sort of _need_ that he was not attending to… if only he could figure out what it was.

Severus lowered his wand, and looked at the white ceiling above him. Two people were up now, and they were shuffling around, causing a ruckus. Looking out the window once more, he could tell by the colour of the sky that it was probably around nine o'clock.

Pulling the bedcovers off him, he stood up from the bed and stretched his entire body––his back and shoulders cracking loudly. He then quickly made the bed and gathered some clean clothes.

_Thump, thump, thump. _

The sound was fast and loud as Lily ran down the stairs. Severus smirked, walking towards the door and just as he was reaching for the doorknob, Lily knocked on his door softly. He pulled the door open.

'Morning, Sev!' Lily said cheerfully. She ran her eyes over him, and with every passing second, Severus watched her smile melt off her face. 'Sev, you look _awful_. Did you sleep at all?'

Lily placed a hand on his forehead and Severus unconsciously leaned into it. Her hand was soft and cold, and it was just what his hot head needed. 'You feel a little warm, but I don't think you have a fever. Do you want to stay in bed?'

'No––of course not,' Severus responded harshly, pulling himself away from her hand. As he watched her hurt expression, he inwardly kicked himself. He was doing it again: brushing off her kind gestures with his rough and stupid ones. Clearing his throat, he spoke with a softer tone, 'I'm fine. I just didn't have a good sleep––that's all. I'll be fine after I shower.'

'Are you sure?'

He nodded his head.

'Well––okay. If you feel ill though, just _tell_ me.' She waved her finger at him. 'Anyways, Mum wants me to go to the corner store and buy a few things. Do you want to come along?'

'Yes.'

'All right then; go shower and I'll wait for you downstairs.'

Severus walked up the stairs; his steps slow because of his sore muscles. With a fluid push of the door, he walked into the bathroom and set his belongings on the counter. As his eyes shifted to the mirror, he recoiled in disgust.

His hair was clinging to his sticky face and his excessive sweating throughout the night had cracked his lips. Exceptionally dark circles were under his pitch-black eyes, and it gave them a sunken effect. His cheeks were still gaunt after all the eating he had done at Hogwarts and his skin was paler than usual. As bothering as all the aspects were, nothing bothered Severus more than his eyes. The same depraved and malignant look was in his _own_ eyes––the same ones from his illusion.

Severus let out a growl as he ripped his gaze from the mirror and turned the tab of the shower on. Maybe a cold shower was what he needed to clear his mind. Severus quickly stripped himself off his clothes and then jumped into the ice-cold shower. A gasp left his lips as the water made contact with his hot skin. After a few minutes, Severus got use to the temperature. It cleared his mind, just how he had hoped it would.

After roughly scrubbing his skin, he washed his silky hair. After everything was finished, he got out of the shower, dried himself, and threw on his clothes––a dark-green shirt, a pair of black trousers and some grey runners. He walked back to the mirror––brushing his hair back with his fingers––and stopped in front of it to take one last look at himself.

Severus grunted with disappointed. Those wicked eyes were still in place, although a little more subtle. Nevertheless––they were still there.

Aggravated and mad, Severus quickly gathered his things and walked out the bathroom. He needed to be with Lily––far away from his dark thoughts. The less he focused on himself, the less he would worry and maybe _then,_ everything would go away: the anger, frustration, and confusion.

THUMP.

Petunia, who was stomping down the hallway, looking at her nails, did not notice Severus and had rammed into him.

'Watch it!' Petunia snapped. 'Are you stupid, Lily? Watch where you are going––' she caught sight of Severus's face.

Something within Severus switched gears as he looked down at Petunia. His head twitched.

He kept his face straight but laughed inwardly as her face shifted from shock, to anger, and then to his favourite––fear. Something about her expression relived the turmoil within him, like a numbing potion on an open wound. Something else clicked in him, once more switching the gears; he could feel his magic oozing out of him, begging him to break the chains of rationality.

Severus eyes darken even more, his pupils dilated and his muscles relaxed. With fluid movements, he took a step towards Petunia, now towering over her. A smirk played on his lips as he saw her take a hesitant step away from him. Then, with a low and acidic voice, he politely said, 'Forgive me, but if I recall correctly, _you_ were not looking as you stomped around.'

Petunia swallowed nervously, unable to find words.

Severus hands twitched. His magic was reaching a barely-manageable level now. He was sure Petunia could feel it too, because the air around them was cold, and the lights in the hallway flickered.

_This _was what he needed––to let his pent-up, dark magic loose. It had been chocking him before, using _him_ as a victim to let its anger out.

The lights flickered wildly above them and with a snap of his fingers––the lights went out. The shadows grew darker as he let more of his magic loose. Severus rolled his neck around, finally loosening the knot in his neck.

'_Yes …' _Severus thought, tilting his head down to look at Petunia. 'This _is what I need.'_

Severus took another slow step towards Petunia. Her eyes were large and full of fear now. She scanned the walls, looking for a way to get around him, because she was still too stubborn to run away. He took a step another step forward, and as a reaction, she took a step back.

Forward. Back. Forward. Back.

Severus was too busy savouring the moment that he did not notice Petunia was getting closer and closer to the edge of the stairs. Severus magic zap around him eagerly, begging him to––

'Sev!' Lily called from downstairs. 'Are you done?'

Like Stinging-Hex to the chest, Severus came to––the lights flickered on in the hallway. His eyes dropped back to Petunia and they opened in horror. He lunged forward, and snapped his hand around Petunia's forearm and pulled her towards his chest. She had been so close to falling back… why had not he stopped her?

There was no more wild magic; no wickedness in his eyes; and no odd sense of relief within him. There was only fear and confusion as he stared down at the shaking Petunia.

'Petunia, I-I––' Severus began stammering but could not finish his sentence.

With a vicious force, Petunia pushed him back. She ripped her arm from his grasp, and then walked around him, her eyes glazed with unshed tears. As she entered the bathroom, she hissed venomously, 'Stay away from me, you _vile _freak!'

'Petunia––no––wait––Petunia!––'

The door slammed in his face.

'––I'm sorry …' Severus said feebly at the dark-brown door.

'Sev––are you coming or not?' Lily yelled again. He could hear the steps creaking as Lily walked up the steps.

'Yes! I'll be right down with you!' He yelled back, hoping he did not sound offensive.

The creaking stopped and loud _thumps_ replaced it as Lily descended the stairs. 'Okay, I'll be outside! Hurry up though, or I will leave you behind!'

Severus used his few seconds and turned back to dark-brown door, where he knew a very frightened Petunia was hiding behind. He cleared his throat, swallowed nervously, and with a weak voice, he said, 'I-I didn't want to scare you, Petunia. I'm sorry.' With that said, Severus rushed down the stairs. There was a painful feeling on his chest.

**※**

'Did you apologize?'

'I did.'

'Then stop fretting over it.'

'Lily, you're not getting the point. What if she decides to tell your mum or dad?' Severus said a little heated.

'She _won't. _Because if she did, then she would have to argue with Mum, and Petunia knows she cannot win against her.

Like always––to Severus's great annoyance––Lily was not seeing the big picture.

On their way to the corner store, Severus decided to tell Lily what had happened. Of course, he altered the story somewhat, such as leaving out the fact that Petunia had been less than a foot away from falling down the stairs and possibly cracking her skull wide open. He felt it was important to tell Lily about what he did. One; Lily would eventually find out through Petunia, her father or her mother. Two; he did not want to upset Lily if she had found out from someone other than himself. Lastly, he _needed _to tell someone––to get his mingle thoughts out in the open.

Severus huffed angrily. What had happened to him? H-how did he convert back to his old self? Why did he let himself do something like that?

Severus let out a deep sigh and looked up ahead. They were walking across a baseball field, where the ground was dark-red and the surrounding grass was a depressing yellow. He was dying from heat and felt foolish for wearing a dark shirt. If only he had magic, then these irritating things would not happen.

As the thought of magic hit him, he began wondering once more about his dilemma. He lifted up his right hand (sense his left hand was holding the groceries), and looked at it, as he always did when there was something on his mind.

Severus could sense his magic boom inside him, like a wild animal rattling its cage––demanding to be set loose. Severus rubbed his fingers together, feeling little waves of shock travel between his fingers from his magic and (just like his magic) Severus wanted to let it loose.

The back of his mind itched, as an idea popped into his head. His _magic_ was behind everything! His illness, sick illusion, and lack of self-control were all happening because of his magic. Maybe… it was even behind his urge to submit to one of his deepest and darkest desires… _to kill._

Severus fisted his hand and lowered it. Already, he could feel his magic lashing out within him, reacting _wonderfully_ to his anger and desires.

'Sev?' He heard a voice whisper but he brushed it by.

Severus swallowed nervously.

What if he lost control of his magic? What if he did underage magic by accident? What if he did something… something dangerous?

'Sev?' The voice said a little louder.

What if he got so angry he finally snapped? He could hurt Petunia, Mr Evans, and Mrs Evans… What if––what if––he lost control and _she_ got hurt?

'Severus Snape!' Lily yelled, setting the groceries down on the ground and grabbing Severus's face with her hands.

As cold hands reached his face, Severus was swirled out of his thoughts. His eyes closed as her cold and soft hands soothed the storm within him. He lifted his right hand and placed it over hers gently, relishing the coolness of her skin.

'Sev, you're burning up!' Lily said worriedly.

'Lily…' Severus whispered, ignoring her words. His eyes opened and scanned over her worried features. '_I could never hurt Lily,' _he thought, as he stared into her worry-filled, emerald eyes. 'Lily, can I ask you something?'

'Yes. Anything. Not right now though. We need to get you home,' Lily said urgently.

She began taking her hands of his face but Severus held one of her hands in place. 'No, Lily. I need to ask you here and now.'

A crease formed between her eyebrows.

He _had _to tell her this––ask this favour of her. Because if Lily were not here, he would fall in too deep––lose control––hurt someone––or worse...

As Lily's silence dragged on, confirming that she was listening, Severus swallowed nervously, and squeezed her hand reassuringly. He cleared his throat, took a small step towards her, and with an almost pleading voice, he said, 'I need you stay close to me, Lily.'

'Why are you even asking me this? You know––'

'No. Lily––listen. What I mean is different. What I did to Petunia today––'

'We already discuss––'

'_Listen,' _he cut across her. His voice was calm but held a thick streak of direness in it. 'What I did to Petunia in the morning; this sickness and fever I'm having; the lack of control over my temper––they might be all from my magic.'

Severus paused, letting his words sink in.

'Lily, I know… that _you_ know that my magic has always been… _unhealthy_. You always have. But right now, there something perilous about it and it's making me imprudent…' Severus watched a glint of anger passed through her eyes but then quickly disappeared. 'When you are close, it helps me; I can think properly.'

'What are you trying to say, Sev?' Lily asked with a quiet voice. Slight traces of anger and accusation were in her delicate voice, and it made Severus cringe inwardly. 'Y-you would _hurt _my family?'

At those words, Severus coiled away from her. The pain in her voice; the accusation in her words; and the fear in her eyes made everything within him collapse. More than anything, he wanted to say no to her words but that would be a lie. He _didn't _want to hurt them––no, _never_––but the decision was not all up to him to make, because, apparently, his pent-up magic could cause him to revert to his old self––his _Death_ _Eater_ self.

'I should leave, Lily. I'll go to my father's house and stay there,' Severus said worriedly. He could feel the disappointment building up in him and slowly turning into anger. 'I can't be here…'

'Because going to your father's would _really_ help you, right?' Lily snapped. 'If what you are telling me is true, then going home to you father would _provoke _you.'

Yes, she was correct and Severus had already known that, but it was safer for the Evans. Could she not see that? Severus hand twitched, something in him unlocking––letting his anger leak out.

Then, from across the field, both Lily and Severus heard a deep male voice.

'Hey, hey, hey––look at that babe over there guys!'

Severus eyes snapped in the direction of the voice. As he saw the group of boys, his eyes doubled in size. _'No! Not now, not now!' _Severus thought. He could not deal with them, not now––not when his magic and anger were slipping.

As long as Severus could remember, at this age, he had five enemies in total: Petunia Evans, Dylan Smith, Logan Richardson, Taylor Wright, Ethan Gray, and Kai Mills. Whenever he and Lily would go to the park, the four boys would bully him and tease Lily. They were like the Muggle version of the Marauders. Back in the day––too weak to do anything––he had endured their punches and harsh words.

Severus head twitched, as he fought the whispering demons in his head. With a quick snap of his hand, he grabbed Lily's hand roughly and began pulling her in the opposite direction of the boys. 'We need to go, Lily––_Now.' _

Lily just nodded her head and obediently began following Severus without another word.

'Hey, guys––look. It's that red-head chick!' One of them said.

'She's fucking hot now! Look at that body hers,' another one spoke. Severus recognized the voice immediately. It was Logan, the leader of the lot and also the most perverted. He was the one who picked on Lily the most when they were younger, sometimes he even dared to push her––just so, he could _touch_ her with his pudgy hands.

Severus magic ripped through him, searing his rational mind as he recalled those memories.

'Hey babe, you forgot your bag!' Logan yelled.

Severus felt Lily pull at his hand. 'Sev!' Lily yanked her hand out of his grip, 'I need to get that bag.'

'Lily––please––don't,' Severus said through a tight jaw. 'Well tell you mother something––_anything._ Just don't force me to be here––not now.'

Severus grabbed her hand and instead of pulling her like she was expecting, he channelled a large amount of his vicious magic to her. In a second of exposure, Lily yanked her hand out and hissed in pain. She hugged her hand to her body and a shocked expression was on her face.

'Sev––t-that's not _normal,_' Lily said, rubbing her hand.

'Did you feel it, Lily? _That_––istravelling throughout my _entire_ _body_. Do you understand now? Do you see what I am going through? So please, do not make me stand here and listen to those idiots insult you. I-I will _snap_… and I will not be able to control my magic.'

'O-okay,' Lily said, nodding her head, understanding how serious this was. 'Let's go then.'

Their steps were hasty as they walked away from the four boys.

**※**

Severus focused on his bowl of cereal as his lips formed a thin line.

'Sev and I feel really bad, Mum. We went searching for the bag but we could not find it. It was my fault; I was the one who wanted to go to the park.'

Lily, who did not typically lie––Severus could tell by her nervous tone––was doing an awful job at convincing her mother.

'So you're telling me the bag just disappear,' Mrs Evans questioned, lifting an eyebrow.

Lily shifted her feet under the table and nodded her head.

Severus let out a sigh and closed his eyes. There was no way Mrs Evans was going to believe her. She looked more nervous than Neville did when he had to present him a failed potion. Severus placed his spoon down and opened his mouth to smoothen out the rough lie.

'Mrs Evans, what––'

A sharp pain travelled up his right leg and he groaned but managed to muffle it into a cough. Three (although one of them was faking), confused looking Evans turned to look at him. His watery eyes snapped to Lily as he continued to cough into his arm.

Then, suddenly––with a slip of his temper and magic––the water jug on the centre of the table exploded. The water rushed into the air like an exploding volcano and poured down on them. Petunia gasped in horror.

'_Just what I needed,' _Severus thought. _'To ruin the breakfast Mrs Evans had so kindly made.'_

Petunia stood from the table with sharp movements, her chair falling to the floor behind her. 'Mother! If you are going to let people like him into the house, at least put a leash on him! He's an animal!' She yelled. She gave Severus a deadly glare and then stomped out of the kitchen, water dripping from her brown hair.

'Sev can't help it, Tuney! He's sick!' Lily yelled at her sister.

'I am so sorry, Mrs Evans,' Severus said with a fake, embarrassed voice that sounded entirely convincing. 'It's very common for witches and wizards to cause accidental magic when they're sick. Nevertheless, I still feel awful. I ruined your lovely breakfast.'

The last thing Severus had expected after the mess he had caused was a giggling Mrs Evans. She pushed her wet, red haired out of her face and dabbed her eyes with a napkin as tears of laughter rolled down her face. 'It is quite all right, dear. It's only toast and cereal,' she said, placing a hand on Severus's forearm. 'It is wonderful––to have witches and wizards in the family! I absolutely love it!' She smiled at him and squeezed his arm.

Severus's eyes were wide open in surprise.

'Now,' Mrs Evans continued, 'why don't you two clean up while I go talk to Petunia?' She stood from the table and walked away. Severus could hear another fit of giggles leave her mouth as she climbed the stairs.

'I bet you didn't see that one coming,' Lily commented. 'Urgh––why didn't you make Tuney's cereal explode instead?'

Severus turned back to Lily. Her cereal?

Severus chocked on his laughter as he looked at Lily; her entire head was covered in cereal. They were sliding down her soaked hair like little tubes on a water slide. Severus snorted aloud when he found two little, donut-shaped pieces of cereal stuck to her forehead. They were like a second pair of eyes, Severus thought amused, as she glared at him with her green ones.

'She didn't kick me under the table,' he said through soft, fits of laughter. 'And no, I didn't see that one coming; I was expecting your mother to be at least a _little _upset.'

'You just had to explode the cereal right as I was taking a bite, right?' Lily asked angrily. One of the two pieces of cereal slid down her forehead and fell to the floor. At this, Severus began laughing loudly and did not bother hiding it anymore. He stood from the table and walked over to her, still laughing. 'Lily––come here, you have cereal in your hair.'

'You don't say?' She responded sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

He rested her head on his right hand and began picking out the cereal from her hair with his left one. When he was done with her hair, he grabbed the one on her forehead with his thumb and index finger.

'I'm sorry,' Severus said lightly with a smile on his lips.

'You really can't control, can't you?' Lily asked quietly.

Severus's smile disappeared. He slid his hands off Lily's face, walked towards the garbage can, and dropped the cereal in it. 'I'm struggling immensely,' he mumbled.

'Come on––let's clean this mess up,' Lily suggested, noticing Severus didn't want to talk about the topic.

Petunia's high-pitch voice broke through the air.

'But Mum!'

'That's quite enough, Petunia!' If you say another foul thing about that boy––you'll be spending the rest of your summer in this room!' Mrs Evans snapped. 'Now––clean yourself up.'

'Ugh!' Petunia huffed.

Severus cringed; Mrs Evans sounded quite scary when she was angry. A small (very small) part of him actually felt sorry for Petunia.

'I told you Petunia wouldn't win,' Lily said, waving a finger at him.

Severus did not respond. Somehow knowing that did not make him feel any better.

As they hustled around the kitchen, cleaning up the mess, Lily wondered aloud what they were going to be doing today.

'I don't know,' Severus responded. 'Probably grocery shopping.' After all, they had lost one of the two bags.

'Probably,' Lily responded, rinsing the last plate. She handed it to Severus who began drying it with an orange and rather old-looking cloth. It had a few holes and looked very worn-down, but Lily had assured him that it was the best for drying––and like usual, she had been right.

Severus handed her the orange cloth and she dried her hands with it, then she tossed it over the faucet. 'We make a pretty good team,' she said, looking around the kitchen as she wiped her forehead with her arm.

Severus nodded his head as he looked around. Then kitchen was spotless, as if no three-foot water explosion had ever happened.

Severus felt a soft hand on the side of his face. Lily grabbed his hair and placed it behind his ear. 'It is getting long, isn't it?'

Severus––like always––leaned in to her hand. 'Yes, it is. I've been thinking of cutting it lately.'

Lily gasped and said, '_really_?'

Severus chuckled. He was expecting that reaction from her. It was true though, he had been considering cutting his hair. Lately, it had become a bothering thing.

A very long time ago, when Severus was a shy and insecure boy, he would his hair as a form of shield. He no longer was the same boy––shy and easily teased. He had changed––_dramatically_. Now he did not need his hair to hide himself. He would cut it one of these days, shedding his old self.

'_Yes_, Lily. I have.'

'We can cut it if you'd like?' Lily suggested, running her hands through his hair. 'I'll miss it though.'

'_Really_?' Severus said in the same voice Lily had used seconds ago.

'_Yes_, Sev,' she said. 'As long I can remember, your hair has always been this length_._ It is one of those things that makes you––well, _you._'

Severus tilted his head, eyeing her from above––her hand still running through his hair. Lifting an eyebrow, he asked, 'what else make me––_me?_' Since he had arrived here, in his new life, wanting to know what Lily thought of him had been one of those questions that pestered him constantly.

'Well…' Lily said, sounding deep in the thought. Her hand had stopped running through his hair, and instead, had gone to her lips. She tapped her lips with her index finger as she thought. 'Your love for books; your tendency to be a perfectionist with your work; your hate for Quiditch; how you tend to avoid breakfast.' She paused, letting out a breath of air. 'You like things to be simple and efficient; you've never like crowds or loud, public places; if you don't understand something, you'll stay up till Merlin's knows when, until you know the subject inside and out…' Lily drifted off, looking at her feet. 'You don't sleep much––you never have; you hold grudges like nobody else; you strive to prove yourself to the others––even if they don't like you; your mood swings are entirely unique and unpredictable; you let your anger feed your ambitions; and you've always been exceptionally, but sadly––very good at the Dark Arts.'

'That sounds like me,' Severus said, running her words through his mind. For the most part, she had everything on the money. There was only one thing that had been slightly wrong, and that was the fact that he actually didn't mind Quiditch. It was an all right sport; he just thought people made too big of a deal out of it.

'You're also very kind,' Lily continued, 'and your heart is very special. That is why you are my best friend––that is why I love you, care for you, and always will be there for you. Because, no matter what people say, they do not know you like I do––they don't know the noble and kind person you are.'

Severus gripped tightened on the counter behind him. After a few seconds, he let out a heavy sigh. 'You really believe that––that I am noble and kind?'

'With all my heart,' Lily responded firmly.

'Thank you,' he responded, his voice weak and hollow. The fact that Lily believed in him so blindly pulled at his heart painfully with guilt. If only she knew, though… the type of man he really was…

'Does it bother you… that I practice Dark Magic––a lot, I mean?' Severus asked carefully, softly pulling the pedals of the flower open. 'Does it make you uncomfortable––being around me, knowing the things that I do?' He wanted to look into her eyes, read her thoughts in this particular topic––see what she _really_ thought about him. Problem was, he couldn't bring himself to look into her eyes.

'Yes…' Lily said quietly. 'If you want my most honest opinion… it scares me. I don't think you understand what Dark Magic does to the soul, how it wrecks it and soils it. It can make a person evil and… I also think, that ones the person has become too involve, there is no way for them to be able to escape; they will forever rely on Dark Magic. That's why it scares me. What if that happens to you, Sev?' Lily looked at him, her green eyes staring into his black ones. She let out a sigh. 'But I know you enjoy learning about them and there's little I can say or do to change your mind. I mean, since we were kids––before we even went to Hogwarts––you were already reading those horrible books.' Lily paused. She looked at the ground and hugged herself. 'I can only pray that you never use Dark Magic to hurt others.'

Lily began rubbing her arms up and down. Severus could see goosebumps on her skin.

'Maybe… because you're so involve with Dark Magic, it has caused your magic to change? Have you thought about that?' Lily untangle one of her arms and looked at her hand, the one Severus had channelled his magic through. 'What you did to my hand, Sev… To think you have such destructive and raw power… it is unsettling. You have never been good at controlling your anger and I am also fear you will lose control over your magic because of that anger.' Lily's body shook as a shiver went down her spine. 'Anyways––can we not talk about this? It makes me uncomfortable.'

Severus placed a hand on her shoulder. 'Thank you for being honest with me,' he whispered. He lifted his hand and brushed her hair behind her ear. 'I know it's hard for you… to be around me at times, but whatever happens, Lily, you will always be the most important person in my life. Whether you walk out on my life, or decide to stay beside me, I will always be there for you––no matter what.'

Lily nodded her head and whispered, 'And I for you.'

**※**

Weeks had gone by and Severus's was still incapable of having a decent night sleep. His moods had been dangerous but with help from Lily and Mrs Evans, he was able to get by with minor struggles. Occasionally, his magic would slip, and things such as exploding water jugs had become something everyone was expecting. Flicking and exploding lights had also become something normal, along with cracked windows (which Mrs Evans did not find as funny as the exploding water jugs) but she passed it by with a soft sigh. ("It's alright, dear. It can't be helped.").

Most of the time, Severus would stick with Lily and he would feel completely at ease but the need to get to Hogwarts and use magic was almost becoming unbearable and he was sure the Evans were tired of his little magic slips. Once or twice, he had asked (almost begged) Lily to let him leave––to go to his fathers––but she would not have any of it. Half of the time, she would not even let him finish his explanations to why he should go and stay with his father.

Two weeks away from returning to Hogwarts, Severus was in the living room with the Evans watching the news.

'It was a tragic and unexplainable accident,' Severus heard the reporter say, 'Yesterday night, August 17th, at midnight, a train leaving London and going to Kings Lynn station had gone off its tracks and crashed.' Mrs Evans gasped, horrified. 'Tragically, there were no survivors. Here is John Becks, who is at the scene at the moment.'

'Thank you, Michael. Yes––it is a tragic yet very mysterious case. We had several of engineers come down here and none of them could figure out why such a thing happened. They all say the train had been in perfect conditions and had _even_ been checked no more than a week ago. We also have some news from the lab down in London, saying that some of the bodies that were found were _not _harmed_. _For hours, scientist have been scratching their heads, running examinations, and writing notes––but they still come out blank. They say that something like this has never been seen before––it was as if they had _petrified_ to death.'

Mrs Evans sat down, hand on her mouth at the horrible news. Mr Evans was beside her, looking at the T.V with a shocked expression. Lily sat beside Severus, looking at the T.V with the same expression and character as her mother and Petunia was no exception.

Out of all the five people in the room, the one who seemed to be unaffected by the tragic news was Severus. His eyes looked hollow and his expression had not changed throughout the entire speech of the event, because, Severus, had alreadyknown about the crash. He knew about it from his past life, and knew exactly what happened and even _who_ had caused it.

It had been one of the Dark Lord's doing. He wanted to raise havoc and fear in the Muggle society and the magical one, too. By killing hundreds of Muggles, the Ministry of Magic had gone in to over drive. Nobody was to be trusted––neighbours turned on neighbours, friend turned on friends, and even brothers turned on brothers. Everyone and everything was your enemy.

Severus knew he could have somehow prevented this all from happening––sparing hundreds of innocent Muggles. If he had spoken to Dumbledore, he would have raised suspension on himself. It was not _that_ held him back, though. It was the fact that if he had stopped the Dark Lord's plans, he would have come back with revenge––killing _more_ innocent lives than he had today.

Severus felt a hand grab his. He turned his head from the T.V and looked at Lily, whose eyes were shattered. 'Hundreds,' she whispered, squeezing his hand. 'I-I cannot believe they would do something like this… fathers, mothers, _children_ were on that train…'

Severus raised his eyebrow elegantly. So Lily figured it out? Severus squeezed her hand and turned back to the T.V. Severus guessed that the rest of the Evans had also figured it out by now.

Severus eyes shifted over to Mrs and Mr Evan. Mrs was focused on the T.V, her hands held together, as she prayed that at least _one _life had been spared. Mr Evans, though, wasn't looking at the T.V––he was staring directly at Severus.

'Is something wrong, Mr Evan?' Severus asked with a cool and collected voice, 'apart from the obvious.' Severus tilted his head to the T.V.

'It was your lot who did this, right?' Mr Evans asked. His voice was also calm but Severus could hear the accusation in his tone.

'Unfortunately––yes,' Severus responded. Lily shifted uncomfortably in the couch. 'Not all Witches and Wizards see Muggles as people. To some… they are lesser beings.'

'But to do something like this?' Mrs Evans said, her voice missing the usual warmth and kindness. 'This is… _inhuman._'

'I know,' Severus responded. 'Some of our kind––'

'Are complete sick bastards,' Petunia cut in with a sharp tongue. 'Your kind is full of _vile_ and _murderous_ freaks!'

'Muggles are no different, Petunia,' Severus replied. Anger was now dripping into his words. 'Witches, Wizards and Muggles are all the same––we are human beings, thus we are imperfect––'

'Don't compare me to _your _kind,' Petunia hissed, once more cutting across him.

Severus anger spiked another level.

'Shut up, Petunia,' Lily hissed, before Severus could speak. '_You're _no better than Severus and I. So stop acting as if being a wizard or witch makes you a murder right of the bat. Didn't they teach you about Hitler at school? He was a Muggle, and look at what he did. So get of your high horse, and stop acting so high and mighty, thinking your lot is royalty compare to us.'

'You're _freaks of nature,_' Petunia hissed. 'Your kind is _disgusting_.'

Everyone in the room gasped, except Severus, who was doing everything he could to control himself.

'P-Petunia,' Mrs gasped, to shock at her daughters words to be angry. Soon enough though, the anger hit her and she stood from the couch and walked over to her oldest daughter.

'GO TO YOUR ROOM! NOW!' She yelled. There was no sympathy in her voice.

Petunia walked to her room with her head held high, not regretting a single word that she had spoken to her younger sister.

'_Muggles are the disgusting ones,' _Severus thought, his magic twitching within him. _'They're so _weak_ and _pathetic_.' _

'Sev, calm down,' Lily said, rubbing his arm. 'I don't think Dad wants to buy anymore light bulbs.' Her voice was playful but Severus could distinguish the hurt in it easily.

'I'm so sorry, Lily and Severus,' Mrs Evans said. 'I can't believe she would say something like that.'

Severus––who was too angry to reply––turned his gaze to the ground.

**※**

Just like many of Severus sleepless nights, tonight had been no expectation: he woke up covered in sweat, and his body shaking. He stood from the bed, and walked to his wardrobe. His feet were like lead, and his trembling knees struggle to carry them, making him walk funny.

Placing his hands on the wardrobe, he pulled it open and threw on a shirt. He grabbed his wand and then headed for the bathroom.

The urge to empty his stomach was still there, but after weeks of his torture, he had learned to hold everything down. He flicked the light in the bathroom on, never looking at the mirror and washed his face. Anything that could cast his reflection, he avoided at all cost, afraid to have another illusion––to see the man within him again.

The only thing he wanted was to be back at Hogwarts, where he could brew all the sleeping potion he wished. At Hogwarts, he could use magic––let out his anger at creatures in the Forbidden Forrest; torture of few of those giant spiders with Fiendfyre. A smirk played on his lips. He could already hear Hagrid sobbing for those disgusting creatures.

Severus walked into the kitchen, poured himself a glass of water, and sat on the kitchen table. Every night, for a month and a half, this had been his routine: nightmare, bathroom, a glass of water and then staying awake until Lily got up. He would run into Mrs Evans occasionally, but after a while, he had learned her sleeping schedule and was able to avoid running into her.

The water tipped side to side in the cup as he tilted it with his left hand. His eyes were intently on the glass, and he could feel the water temperature dropping. Just like the glass of water in his cold grip, something was growing cold within him. He felt numb and unattached from his surroundings, that he could not hear the faint sound of steps in the background.

The water in the cup softly cracked as it froze. His eyes dilated and grew darker, along with the shadows in the kitchen. His magic had escalated to entirely new levels during the summer days, and controlling it had exhausted him to almost insanity at times. Whenever he was alone (and sometimes with Lily), he would let it out. Plants would die, water would freeze, shadows darken, glass would crack and people would feel uncomfortable around him. Mrs Evans had learned to keep him away from her garden; otherwise, her beautiful roses would wilt.

The sound of a switch flicking on and off snapped Severus back to reality.

'Honestly! That is the eighth one this week!' Someone hissed. 'It's so cold in here…'

Severus eyes snapped upwards, and he could see the silhouette of Petunia in the darkness. His head twitched, and his hands slipped off the cup; the water entirely frozen now. He watched Petunia walk towards the cupboards––completely oblivious to him sitting in the chair––and grab a plate.

'All summer,' Petunia continued, walking to the fridge, 'all _summer_––every day––every hour––I have deal with these things. If he and Lily weren't such _disgusting_––'

Petunia turned around and let out the beginning of scream as she finally noticed Severus. Before her scream got any louder, enough to wake everyone up, he stood from the table quickly, and placed his hand over her mouth, muffling her scream into his cold hand.

'Shh!' Severus hissed, looking into her eyes, 'you'll wake everybody up, you stupid girl!'

Petunia began pulling herself away, but his grip only tightened. 'If you insult Lily again––I won't be so lenient next time,' he said with venomous voice. He pushed her away and she slammed into the counter behind her. 'Your jealousy over your sister has made you bitter and heartless––causing you to treat her like scum.'

'_Jealousy,_' Petunia hissed, pushing herself away from the counter. 'You think I'm _jealous? _Why on Earth would I be _jealous _of her or _you_? You're just a bunch of––'

'Why wouldn't you be jealous?' Severus spat back, taking a step towards her. 'While Lily and I go to Hogwarts to learn about magic––_you_ have to go to a _Muggle _school to learn how to count with your fingers. While Lily and I learn about Magical Creatures and Where to Find Them––_you_ have to learn the boring history of _Muggles_. While we learn to transport anywhere we wish, in a blink of an eye––_you _have to take the filthy _Muggle _bus.'

Severus paused. He watched as his acidic words hit her. They both knew he was speaking the truth. The only reason Petunia was shocked was because Severus was the first to voice it aloud, spitting the painful facts at her face.

'So… tell me, _Muggle_, why on Earth would someone as inferior as you _not_ be jealous of Lily?' A smirk played on his lips as he took another step towards Petunia.

Petunia's face was ashen and hurt. She had already known all that; she had already lived her whole life telling herself shewas the normal one, and that Lily was the abnormal freak. But––the bitter truth was that she wanted nothing more than to be _just like Lily_––a witch.

Severus took another step towards her, and savoured the brim of tears in her eyes. He lifted his wand and Petunia back away, only to find herself flat against the counter. Lifting his wand, he placed it right underneath her chin. 'So Petunia, why don't you tell me what exactly is so _disgusting _about being a witch? Why, pray tell, are Muggles like yourselves so much better than we are?' The tip of his wand dug deeper into her skin.

He finally snapped, and he couldn't even think properly. Where was he? Who was he? What was he doing? None of those questions mattered. None of them. The only thing that mattered––the only thing he cared about––was the amazing feeling that was running through his veins as he watched Petunia tremble underneath him in fear. His numb body was gaining feelings; his mind was numbing pleasantly; and his magic had finally found a prey.

The room had gotten so cold, that Petunia's shaky breaths could be seen in the dark room. Digging his wand deeper, bringing his face close to hers, he hissed, 'Tell me, Petunia.'

'P-please s-s-stop,' Petunia stuttered, her eyes full of tears.

'Oh…' He said, pushing himself away, a fake expression of confusion on his face. 'But I thought you were above me? Certainly, _you _should not be praying for _my _mercy.'

'I-I d-didn't mean t-to offend y-you,' Petunia stuttered, her sobs thickening.

Severus let out a cold and hollow laugh, and then said, 'As if someone like _you _could offend _me_.' He raised his wand and placed it right in front of her face. 'You don't offend me Petunia, because no matter what you say, I will always _know _what you really think of me and Lily––how much you hate us because of what we are, but _you_ so pathetically couldn't be.'

Petunia covered her face with her hands and began sobbing uncontrollably. Severus smirked, and placed his wand in his pocket. He wasn't really going to cast a spell at her, he just wanted to play with her a little. Besides, he was underage. However, that didn't mean he would have to control his magic around her. No, he was enjoying it too much. Finally, his magic had someone else to stab at mercilessly other than himself.

Petunia twitched in pain as his magic racked her body relentlessly. Severus tilted his head back, feeling his muscles relax. He was finally going to have a goodnight sleep after this.

After a few minutes of silence, only Petunia's sobs filling the air, the temperature of the room began to return to normal, and the lights in the kitchen flickered on. His eyes scanned the girl in front of him, and he could not find a single drop of guilt in him as he watched her sniff quietly. He tilted his head to the side, watching her like a confused dog. The more he stared, the more confused he grew.

Where was he? He was in the Evans house.

Who was he? He was Severus Snape.

What was he doing? He was… scaring Petunia.

Severus heart dropped. His eyes shifted from Petunia to the window behind her. Now his own eyes stung with unshed tears as he looked at his reflection. The illusion––the man he had seen weeks ago––was nothing to what he was seeing now. He swallowed nervously, trying to push the lump of guilt in his throat. His eyes returned to Petunia, and he felt the blood drain from his face. Her face was puffy and wet from all her crying. There was no hate in her eyes––only sadness. Fifteen years of bitter jealousy had now turned into soul-eating sadness.

'Petunia,' Severus whispered. His voice matched the hollowness in her eyes.

'Don't!' Petunia hissed. 'You already said everything you wanted! Just leave me alone now, okay?' Petunia wiped her eyes. 'You already told me everything I already knew! Now you know just how much I hate being a "_Muggle".'_ Her voice was growing louder and louder with every word._ '_I already know how much you _hate _me for being what I am! Just leave––'

Before she could yell at the top of her lungs, Severus covered her mouth once more. His anger had spiked and the lights flickered above them. A few minutes passed before he was back to his old self.

'I don't hate you, Petunia,' Severus said, loosening his grip. 'I've never hated you. However, I _hate _how you treat Lily––your own flesh and blood.' His hand slid of her face, but he kept his grip on her shoulders. 'I don't hate Muggles either… I just––well, it doesn't matter. The point is, is that I don't hate you and I never will. Do you make me angry? Yes, but I don't _hate_ you. I know at times my magic slips and things happen to you, but I never mean them to happen. They just happen.' He paused for a second. 'Don't let this jealousy of yours ruin what you have with your sister. I know… it must be hard––' Petunia glare grew darker. '––but that doesn't mean you can't be part of our world. Because you are related to Lily, you have… access to our world.' Severus noticed Petunia's eyes soften. 'So please stop all of this––stop treating Lily like scum. I don't care if you hate me, but just don't hate Lily. She loves you very much and I know you do, too.' Severus hand slid of her shoulders. 'Would it not be better to be part of Lily's life than not at all?'

'She would have never gone to that school if it wouldn't have been for you,' Petunia said, ignoring everything he had said.

'Lily going to Hogwarts was inventible––with or without me in the picture,' Severus replied as calm as he possibly could. His hands shook at his side. It was like talking to a wall! Nothing he said had even gotten through to her head!

'How come _I _didn't get to be like her?' Petunia spat out bitterly.

'I don't know; magic works in mysterious ways. How it chooses a Muggle child, is still one of the many mysterious that cannot be solved by many witches and wizards alike.'

Petunia didn't reply, but her eyes were yelling at Severus with accusation, as if it was _his_ fault that she did not receive a single drop of magical blood.

'Why do you cling on to her so desperately?' Petunia asked, dropping their previous subject entirely. 'You are not like her––I can tell, even if I am a "Muggle".'

Severus eyes darken, and the room grew cold once more. His voice was calm but acidic as he replied, 'that's irrelevant.'

'So you don't deny it?' Petunia replied cleverly. 'You are different. Unlike Lily, you actually hate my ki––'

'Stop, Petunia. I do not hate your kind. I do not hate Muggles. I just have my own reasons to be wary of them as you do of us with magic,' Severus cut across her, his voice sharp and dark.

'I don't believe you,' she replied flatly.

Severus jaw clenched, his teeth grinding loudly in his ears.

'Just a few minutes ago, you called me _inferior_,' Petunia replied.

Severus head twitched, his anger returning. 'I was upset and I said things I didn't mean.'

'Hmp!' Petunia snorted, a smirk on her lips, 'seems like I'm not the only one with resentful feelings here. What––did a Muggle torture you? Did your father beat you––'

'Shut up!' Severus said aloud, pushing Petunia back. He was not using his wand this time, but his bare hands––they wrapped tightly around Petunia's neck. '_Yes_––I hate Muggles for certain things they have done to our kind. I hate how our kind has to live in secrecy. I hate how your kind tortured and killed many innocent witches and wizards many centuries ago. I _hate_––_'_

Severus was about to say the thing he hated most about Muggles, when I quiet voice broke through the air, like a pin being drop in a spacious, metal room.

'Tuney, is that you?' Lily said.

Severus blood ran cold and his body froze.

'Let go, you idiot,' Petunia hissed, attempting to yank his hands off her.

'It's so cold down here.' Severus heard Lily say in the background. 'Sev? Is that you?'

With one rough pull, Petunia broke loose from his iron grip and stomped out of the kitchen.

'The creeps in the kitchen,' Severus heard Petunia say. 'He's in a bad mood so I wouldn't talk to him.'

'Tuney, are you okay?' Lily voice broke through the air. 'Your eyes are puffy and your––' Severus heard Lily gasp.

Severus fell to the ground, and he cupped his head between his hands. Lily saw the marks on Petunia's neck from his grip…

'_NO! NO! NO!' _Severus yelled in his mind. '_I didn't mean it! I-I just lost control.' _His eyes began watering, and his stomach began twisting.

'Severus Snape!' Lily hissed, walking into the kitchen. 'What did you _do_?'

Severus could not look up––he could not meet her eyes. As his head began spinning, his body began rocking him back and forth. He heard Lily gasp a second time, and she ran towards him.

'Sev! What's wrong?' Lily asked, crouching beside him.

'I-I d-didn't,' Severus stuttered, unable to finish his sentence.

'It wasn't his fault,' Petunia said. 'I-I provoked him. I said something…'

Severus stopped rocking, and his head snapped to Petunia who was standing in the kitchen, her eyes filled with guilt. Angry, red fingerprints could be seen as she stood under the light of the kitchen. His stomach twisted and his eyes stung painfully.

'I need to leave, I need to leave,' Severus whispered to himself, looking at his hands. 'I can't be here.'

'What did you say to him?' Lily asked Petunia, ignoring Severus muttering.

Petunia did not reply, instead she watched as Severus rocked back and forth, whispering to himself like a broken disk.

'What did you_ say?_' Lily hissed. There was no sympathy in her voice now.

'I-I accused his father of beating him…' Petunia replied, her voice hollow. 'I didn't think it was true… I just…'

'_How could you?' _Lily said in horror. _'You knew_––_you _know––_why would you even say that?' _

Severus reached for Lily's hand, but then stopped. What if he hurt Lily this time? Where was he? Who was he? What was he doing?

Lily, who seemed to have seen Severus struggle from the corner of her eye, turned her attention to him, but she paused for a second, and turned her head back to her sister and said, 'Grab some ice and _leave_.'

Petunia, filled with guilt as she stared at the broken Severus on the floor, did what her sister told her without opening her mouth to argue. She quickly grabbed a small plastic bag, grabbed some ice, a cloth, and quietly left the kitchen.

'Sev,' Lily said softly, placing a hand on his back. 'Let's go to you room, okay? Petunia said something awful to you… it's not your fault.'

Lily pulled his arm up, and Severus obliged quietly. He didn't trust himself to speak, to move, or do anything on his own at the moment.

As they entered his room, Lily told him to lie down on his bed, and he did without arguing. She sat on the bed beside him, and ran her hands through his short hair. They had cut it at the end of July, just how he wanted. Now, it was only two inches long.

'I need to leave,' Severus whispered, more to himself than to Lily. He turned over to his side, and the tears fell to the pillow. 'I need to leave.'

'No you don't,' Lily whispered with a soothing voice. She leaned away from the bed, flicked the lamp beside his bed off, and then said, 'move over a little.'

Severus––trapped inside his mind––did not understand Lily. His eyes were vacant, and they shifted side to side as they looked for an answer within his chaotic mind.

Lily let out a sigh, and crawled under the covers and hoped she would not fall off the bed during the night. Her hand went through his short hair, and she kept whispering, 'It's okay, Sev. You didn't do anything wrong. You just got angry. I would be angry, too, if Petunia had said those things to me.'

Severus covered his face and coiled into a ball. _Where was he? Who was he?_ _What was he doing?_

'Shh,' Lily whispered, her own eyes glazed with tears as she watched her shaking friend.

'I need to leave,' Severus whispered for the millionth time. 'I can't be here.'

'Sev––look at me,' Lily said softly. She grabbed his head and pulled it up. Rubbing the tears off his face softly, she smiled at him. 'Can you promise me something?'

His eyes scanned her face, still vacant, but life was slowly returning to them with each passing second.

'Can you?' Lily asked again.

Severus nodded his head weakly as she wiped another tear away. He did not really understand her motives but he could not find it within him to question her.

'Promise me, that the next time you feel lost, you'll look for me, okay? What you did to Tuney––I know you did not mean it. You just lost yourself. That is why, the next time you feel yourself slipping, just come to me. Yell at me if you want, tell me all the anger and confusion you feel. Tell me if you are in pain, and if something is bothering you. Don't lock it away like you have the past few weeks. Don't let it grow to the point you cannot control it anymore, because things like this happen, okay?'

'I'm sorry,' Severus whispered with shame. 'I don't know what to do, Lily. I'm losing…'

'You're losing what?' Lily asked, confused.

'I'm losing to myself,' Severus replied, only confusing Lily further.

'I don't understand…'

'I know you don't and I don't want you to understand.'

'Why don't you want me to understand?' Lily asked, her voice barely a whisper.

'Because I don't want you to leave me...'

With quick and unexpected movements, he rolled over and hovered over Lily. His eyes locked with her surprised ones, and he was thankful for the darkness of the room, for Lily could not see the madness swimming within his eyes.

'I don't want you to leave me,' Severus repeated, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. 'I know one day you'll figure out something about me... something that will scare you and you will want to leave me, but I will still want you by my side.'

'You're scaring me now, Sev,' Lily said, wiggling underneath him.

'I won't be selfish, though,' Severus continued, ignoring her words. 'When that time comes, I will not force you to be by my side. I will let you go.'

'Why are you acting like this?' Lily asked with an angry voice. 'Can you get off me now?'

'Can you promise _me_ something now?' Severus yet again continued, ignoring Lily once more.

'Yes, if it will get you to get off me, than yes,' Lily said, her voice slightly shaky.

'When that time comes––the day you figure me out,' Severus ran his thumb over her cheek again, 'promise me you will not run from me.'

'I will not run from you––I promise,' Lily said, looking him straight in the eye although she could not see in the darkness.

'Thank you,' Severus said. There was a gentle, yet hollow smile on his lips. Because he knew, the day Lily learned about his past life, she would run away and never look at him again. He rolled of her and leaned against the headboard of the bed.

Just like Lily had a few minutes ago, he began running his hand through her hair. They had shared many intimate moments like this throughout the summer, but there was never a "deeper" meaning to them. They were things they could share easily, as if it were second nature to them.

'You should go, Lily,' Severus said, looking down at Lily. 'It would be most unfortunate if your parents found you in my room.'

Lily turned over, turned the lamp on, and looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was three o' clock in the morning. 'I can stay for a few hours. Here––let me set the alarm.'

As she reached for the clock, Severus grabbed her hand. 'No, Lily. You should go. You shouldn't be here,' he said, his rational mind returning tenfold.

'I don't think you should be alone right now…' Lily said as she tugged her hand towards the clock but Severus grip would not budge.

Severus let out a sigh, and he pulled her hand away from the clock. 'Half an hour––that's it.'

'That's fine,' Lily said, rolling onto her side. 'Lay down with me, though.'

Severus complied. Lily began running her hand through his hair as he stared at the ceiling. She ran her hand down the side of her face, and said, 'you haven't slept in weeks, haven't you?'

Severus head tilted to the side, and he looked into her eyes. 'Is it that notable?'

Lily nodded, and ran a finger under one of his eyes. 'You look so sick, Sev. Why can't you sleep?'

His eyes closed, relaxing into her touch. 'Nightmares,' he whispered. It was the first time he had told Lily. 'I can never remember them, but I always have them…'

'Never?' Lily asked with a sleepy voice.

'Never,' Severus confirmed, letting out a yawn. 'I don't want to either.'

'Hmm...' Lily responded, half as sleep now.

After more than hour had gone by, Severus eyes had snapped open. He looked at his arms, and found a sleeping Lily under them. When had she crawled over? Severus wondered, not recalling anything. This was definitely new, and far more intimate than anything he had ever had with Lily––with any women, actually.

He let out a sigh, and reached over for the alarm on the nightstand. He set the alarm for seven, two hours before Mrs Evans usually got up. Mr Evans would probably not check Lily's room, and he would not check his either (he hoped), so he didn't worry about him. Setting the clock down, and turning the light off, he went back to lying beside Lily.

At first, he had crawled away from her, but found out that did nothing to keep Lily away. Because every time he moved away from her, she would snuggle closer to him, and in the end, he found his back against the wall as Lily murmured nonsense into his chest. With sigh and a smile on his lips––he gave in. Falling into one of his deepest desires, he wrapped his arms around Lily and pulled her into his chest, which she easily complied to, and placed a feathery kiss on her forehead. Severus heart swelled painfully with joy as Lily hummed peacefully in his chest.

In the dark of the night, Severus pulled Lily closer to his chest and whispered, 'I'm not giving up yet, Lily. I won't lose.'

-**※****※****※-**

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**Author's Note:**

Hey guys! How was that for a chapter? I'm going deeper into a more "intimate" and "darker" story now. I also know it was a bit quick, but I just wanted to mush together most of the summer into one chapter. Sorry! There were will be turmoil in the next few chapters, and I hope you guys won't hate me for it, but rather, enjoy the story even more.

In my opinion, Severus would never turn a new leaf in the snap of his fingers. He was a smart guy, and he knew what he signed up for. He wasn't a complete idiot about his decision. So, the way I "portray" Severus will always be a bit darker than what most portray him to be in these going-back-in-time type of stories. I also think that the trauma from his childhood had planted a poisonous seed within him and becoming a Death Eater had caused it to bloom, making him a psychotically ill person… in this case––a killer.

If you're wondering about why he has the _need_ to kill, it because he is obviously mentally unstable and also, because I wanted him to be like that. I have this _specific_ image of him in my head and I know many of you won't like it, but that's fine, because there's thousands of other Sev/Lily stories out there for you to read (:

Anyways, I hope my writing has improved and you like where I'm leading this story. Sorry about the Petunia incidents (I don't really like her. Ahaha, can you tell?). I just also think it's important that PETUNIA HEARS THE DAMN TRUTH. Okay, now that I got that out of the way I can sleep in peace.

Oh, and I don't know if many of you know… but I've been rewriting some of my chapters. The first one was already replace by a new one. I'm not really changing too much about them, just tying loose ends and fixing the grammar as the best that my capabilities allow. Check them out if you like, because the second chapter (which I haven't uploaded yet. Sorry) will be an exception. The main plot is still the same, but it is laid out differently. I much prefer the new one I came up with anyways. When I upload it, I will tell you about it! (:

Kay––I'm done––I _will _shut up now.

Goodnight!

R&R Please! :D

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_1/28/2013_


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